thank You God for depression

When I feel too tired to do anything, tired and weak and sick to the point where all I want is the sleep that my body won't agree to, this is when depression often attacks. I feel tired, unhappy that I can't be there for people, unhappy that I feel too weak to talk, type, text, do homework, or do much of anything besides rest. I feel scared. And I just want to sleep, but I can't...

It's hard and scary, but God is there. And I always grow closer to God through these times.

This time was different. Friday night I went to bed crying, feeling wounded. Feeling alone. Not alone from God, but alone in this world. Misunderstood. Unloved. Deeply hurt.

Saturday I woke up crying and deeply pained over the same thing. After all the nights of four to six hours of sleep (or of complete insomnia), going to bed after 4am and feeling this pain was just enough to pull me over and make me sick. I stayed in bed almost all day yesterday resting and sleeping. I felt bad for not being able to meet up with people I was planning to hang out with, but I couldn't do anything. It was only by God's strength that I had been so full of energy every other day!!! It was insane!! I should've been sick way sooner, but God really filled me with joy in order to keep me going and fill me with energy every day.

Once I finally got up and took a shower, Christian songs I have heard over and over again played from the radio. They hit me even harder. The words moved me and touched me, even deeper into my heart than ever before. These are words that come from mostly from Bible verses. Just the same way I can read the same passages in the Bible again and again, and God always shows me something more, reveals more, touches me even deeper within, all the comforting words about God and God's love in these songs were even more meaningful than the day before. I was like, "Wow, God! Thank you for this depression!!"

...And I had been feeling irritation and frustration toward others who feel like God is far away. Who feel like God has abandoned them. I had been frustrated with people who just couldn't see that God is everything we need. Who keep getting stuck in the same ruts again and again, and who keep not turning to God for Comfort, Strength, and Hope. I had been unable to understand a lot of the pain and thoughts my friends were feeling...

And I didn't want that!!! I only wanted compassion, patience, and love. But it was hard. I just couldn't understand them. Now, I feel like from all of this God answered my prayers. He has filled me with compassion, understanding, patience, and love for these people. I am sure I will still struggle to understand and will have to fight past any irritation that tries to attack, but I am so thankful for this deeper love and compassion for all that God has filled me with. I really needed to be humbled like this, badly.

Thank You Lord!!!




This morning when I turned on Pandora a beautiful song came on that I can really relate to. "You Rescue Me" by Salvador. I can't find it on youtube, but here are the lyrics...

"Something in the motion of my history
Like a desert highway flying under me
All these guilty wounds that cannot be redeemed
By time, by time

Aching in a place that only I can see
Tears have a way of catching up to me
All it ever takes is a glimpse of something free
Like birds in flight

So I'm giving up on clarity
Cause I want to trust where I cannot see and


You rescue me, You hear my cry
You shelter me through the night
And You are my strength when I am in need
You are my God, You rescue me

Caught between the ocean and eternity
Broken by the weight of my attempts to be
Everything that everyone expects of me
This time, and every time

So I'm giving up on my righteousness
Cause grace, alone, will give me rest cause

You rescue me, You hear my cry
You shelter me through the night
And You are my strength when I am in need
You are my God, You rescue me"

...And today the song that keeps going through my head, "Everything I need" by Kutless. This was the first song that played when I finally turned on the radio yesterday.

"When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me.

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in me time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in me time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in me time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need."

2 Corinthians 12

Paul’s Vision and His Thorn

¹ I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. ² I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. ³ And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— ⁴ was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. ⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.