we don't understand His love

Despite the fact I had a big Personality test that the teacher and other students had been warning me about all year that I really hadn't properly prepared for at all, I woke up on Wednesday filled with peace and joy. Again it was the Holy Spirit. It made no sense!! I have been barely sleeping lately, yet I am still filled?! I decided to start the day reading Psalms. I read Psalm 136.

Psalm 136

¹ Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
² Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

⁴ to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
⁵ who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
⁶ who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
⁷ who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
⁸ the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
⁹ the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.

¹⁰ to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
¹¹ and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
¹² with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.

¹³ to him who divided the Red Sea^a]">[a] asunder
His love endures forever.
¹⁴ and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
¹⁵ but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.

¹⁶ to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.

¹⁷ to him who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.
¹⁸ and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.
¹⁹ Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.
²⁰ and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.
²¹ and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.
²² an inheritance to his servant Israel.
His love endures forever.

²³ He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
²⁴ and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
²⁵ He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

²⁶ Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

I was reminded that even though my test was coming up, His love is what matters. I wanted to make it to my Health Psych class. I've never missed it before because I know she does a lot of in class assignments, but the time flew by! As I finished sending Matt a text thanking him for keeping me down to earth and focused on what truly matters, I felt I should just give my desire to go to that class to God. I studied for Personality. God filled me with the Spirit and the ability to focus without anxiety!

Like I said before, I had been warned all year by our teacher and by everyone else. This was going to be a hard test! I should expect to do really bad on the first one. Everyone does. I should just learn from the first one. And shouldn't worry if I do bad because he offers extra credit and weighs grades. 85% and above is an A. etc...

Taking the test I was filled with faith and the Holy Spirit. I trusted God to help me pick the right answers. I was filled with joy. A lot of the questions were identical to the ones I already memorized!!! Thanks God!!

Afterward my friends asked me how I thought I did. Ever since high school I've hated when people ask. I know tests are NOT most important. God is!!! I don't want others to feel bad if I got a better grade than them. It doesn't matter!! I wish everyone did better than me. Seriously!! I do not want to get a better grade than others. I'd rather others be happy by getting better grades... But I also wanted to be honest. These were my friends. So I said, "I actually think I did really well. It's weird. It wasn't me. It was God. The Holy Spirit was with me last night as I studied and today. Last night I had thought it might be the Holy Spirit telling me to study the online quizzes, and a lot of the questions from them were on the test! You guys should study those next time."

My friends were clearly not happy. They looked depressed and angry. I felt horrible. I was so mad at myself. I beat myself up as I often do in similar circumstances. Always wishing I would've kept my mouth shut! I was filled with sadness that the world lets stupid unimportant stuff like tests get them so down instead of being filled with peace and joy over what matters! His forgiveness and love. When I say the "world" it includes me!! I constantly let stupid things like test and time consume me with anxiety too!!! So much of my life has been wasted studying. I don't want to my time doing that anymore. Instead I want to trust God and hold fast to what is true and good, His love and faithfulness.

I spent time in prayer giving all these thoughts to God. then I met Taryn from Cru to go witnessing. I had been praying all week for God to take away all my fear and anxiety about going out and doing this. I was determined to live by faith and not fear.

God brought us to a girl who was incredibly open to talking about Him and really wanted to learn more! We let the Holy Spirit speak and work through us and talked for a long time. Taryn and I were a great team! We don't really know each other and had never done this together before, but our stories about God working in our lives and our references to Bible verses built off of each other beautifully. Taryn and I were both filled with joy from letting the Holy Spirit use us and are excited to go out together again!! The girl we talked to drilled us with questions, was excited to learn, and truly might turn to God soon! The world is really ready to hear about Him!!

After working on homework and talking to friends, I was starting to feel weighted down with the pain the world feels when they don't turn to Jesus for their comfort, strength and hope again. I was feeling tired and sick. I spent some time alone with God in prayer and went to supper. Still weak, but knowing He is enough.

At supper a friend was struggling A LOT. She was feeling depressed and suicidal. Questioning her faith. She wanted to talk. I was tired. I knew I could use rest and alone time with God, but I prayed hard for the Holy Spirit to be my strength and to use me to comfort and speak to her. I stayed with her until 8:30. The Holy Spirit spoke. She cried. The Holy Spirit comforted.

Afterward I couldn't be around people besides Matt. I went to his room and wept for the world. All the world needs is God. He's ALWAYS there. He is our Strength, Hope, Peace, Comfort, and Love. He is our Father, Friend, and our eternal Lover. He wants to hold our hand and carry us through. I wept and prayed for each of us to understand His forgiveness and love. We are all SO sinful. I slap Him in the face with all of my sins constantly. We refuse to turn to Him and to accept His love. I worry and become anxious. He bleeds for us. Bleeds for us. Bleeds for my sins.

But instead of getting what we deserve: hell, He gives us Life. Eternal life!!!! That will be better than we can ever imagine. And He loves us. With an everlasting unconditional love.

It is so incredibly sad how much we don't understand His love for us.

After weeping and praying for the world, I talked to Matt a little, and sang to the LORD the rest of the night. It was wonderful and needed.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good.
His love endures forever."
-Psalm 136:1