Wednesday, March 30, 2011

such a Spiritual baby

I am truly a Spiritual baby.
An infant.

Although I have read the Bible many times in my life, I do not know very much at all about God or the Bible. There is so much more to learn!! There always will be. No one can ever come close to comprehending even a little tiny bit of all of it. The beauty of God's Word is that it is a living Word. No book is more alive and relevant to each of our lives today.

Every single day, the Holy Spirit reveals more. As I pray, read the Word, and constantly question everything, I am continually humbled. Continually surprised. Continually proven wrong!!!

Every day I pray for wisdom, but I will never even understand what wisdom truly is.

And all of this is so good. :)

I apologize for all the things I constantly say, either in person or in this blog, that are wrong. Please do correct me!!

I also realize that God has different lessons for each of us that are unique and special. The Holy Spirit will reveal different things to each of us as we read the same Bible verses. I think that is the coolest thing!! So please know that the things I say and share are unique lessons for me that may or may not apply to you and your life.

God is so good!!! I am thankful that I have the ability to open His Word over and over and over again, even read the same verses over and over and over again, and each time the Holy Spirit has more for me, surprises me, convicts me, humbles me!

Thanks God. :)

"We have much to say about this, but it is hard to make it clear to you because you no longer try to understand. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."
-Hebrews 5:11-14

I am still a maturing infant. I need both solid food and milk daily. :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I hate myself/ "That was scary" intro

This has been a very very hard and scary week. I struggled with depression and anxiety every day. Depression and anxiety are not part of God's original plan. They are a result of the fall of man and sin. The root of both of them is lack of faith. And Satan uses any lack of faith big time!

A lot of days this week I was filled with sadness for the broken. I was deeply saddened over the world's lack of faith. Sad for those who are not embracing freedom and joy in Christ. This made me realize again how much our continuous lack of faith and hope in Him must deeply sadden God.

Hearing pessimistic thoughts from people also made their pessimism spread to me. Fear, anxiety, and hopelessness filled me really bad. But when I became depressed from the depth of the world's lack of faith, hopelessness, and pain, I was humbled. God wants me to have faith!! To trust Him to take care of my friends in His perfect timing. Only He can change people's hearts. I need to trust that He is working. Trust that He is answering our prayers!!

A lot of my anxiety and depression was also due to beating myself up. This is an anxiety I am constantly prone to. And when I start beating myself up, I open the door of my heart to the devil. I let the enemy feed me lies. And I believe them.
Because I was convicted by the Holy Spirit of pride earlier this week, I started beating myself up a lot every day. I should've just said, "God, I am sorry for my pride, please forgive me," and moved on, but instead I let Satan fill me with constant condemnation. It spread to me condemning myself for absolutely everything I do!!

Today as I beat myself up and was questioning everything I do, I let Satan have control to a very scary degree!! From it I learned a lot about how the enemy has been working in me...

I've learned that I hate myself. I always have. Deep down, I've always hated myself.
I constantly am looking for things wrong with me. Things to change. Things that are not pleasing to God. Things that are hurtful to others.

This has always been why I've been quick to cry. I am filled with thoughts, some true and some lies, that beat myself up. Constantly.

"I am a failure. Everything I do is hurtful to others. I am horribly selfish. I am a horrible sinner. I am a horrible daughter..."

And when something goes wrong: when a parent, friend, roommate, or teacher has confirmed my fears, when someone has said, "You are selfish, you are unloving, you appear that you think you are better than everybody else, you did that all wrong...", or when someone calls me out on a sin or something I've done that hurts them, or when I beat my own self up for sins, it is just way too much. Too much for me to handle.

I hate the fact that it is too much for me to handle! And I beat myself up for that fact too. I know I should be okay. I should NOT let what others think and say hurt me so much. I should only worry what God thinks. I know He knows my heart. But even so, after someone says something to me about something I've done wrong the words will repeat over and over and over in my head. I believe the words completely. I HATE MYSELF.

And that hatred is not from God. It's from Satan! By hating myself I allow Satan into my heart.

The lies will continue to fill me. Paralyze me. Consume me. I believe every one. "I am horrible!!! Everything I do is hurtful. I have failed. I must change. What must I change? I must change!!"

I often worry that the fact that I am filled with joy is hurtful to people. That they don't get it. That they don't get it is from God. I also worry that people think I think I am better than them. Ever since elementary school, I have dealt with the fear that people think I think I am better than them because of the way I act, live, and talk. And then someone confirms my fear by telling me, "You think you are better than everybody else." And it HURTS!!! Because I've already been worried. And I've already been beating myself up. And I've already been beating myself up for worrying. Because I know it is NOT about what people think. It's only about what God thinks. And God sees my heart.

The good thing about these fears, is they make me constantly pray for God to fill me with the Holy Spirit and faith.

very time these fears come, I say, "No! It only matters what God thinks."And I pray hard. I give all my anxious thoughts to Him. I pray until I no longer feel anxious but am filled with faith, peace, and sometimes joy. I pray until I am filled with the Holy Spirit again. If I have done anything good or will do anything good it is Him working through the Holy Spirit, not me. That allows me to not worry at all about how my actions affect others anymore. God will work, even through my constant mistakes. And when I submit to Him in faith, He will speak, not me.

Ultimately, I am always thankful for the anxiety, because by the time I enter the world, I am ready to not care what anyone thinks except God!! I am able to be myself knowing God knows what is in my heart, even if others don't understand. :)

Even though this is the case, I have realized I still hate myself deep down. This is one of the reasons the anxiety comes back so quickly! This hatred makes me so very vulnerable to Satan. It makes me prone to beating myself up, believing Satan's lies, and letting Satan handicap me a great deal from having faith in God, from loving Him with my whole heart, soul, mind, body, and strength, and from showing others His love.

The entry below, "That was scary" shows just how much beating myself up allowed Satan into my heart. It allowed him in to a scary degree!! But it also showed God's faithfulness, POWER, and strength. God is SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL than Satan!!!

I am so thankful that even when Satan does try to trick me and fill me with lies, I am still aware that God's love is so much greater. I am still aware that God is with me. And all I want to do is pray to God and rely on His help. We can't defeat Satan on our own, but with God we have the authority!! Praying in the name of "Jesus Christ" works! God will help. He is always there. Always holding my hand. Always carrying me through even the hardest and darkest times.

... Coming out of all of this, I am filled with even deeper faith in God.

And I am ready to embrace freedom!!!
Ready to live by faith.
To say "No!" to each and every lie.

I am ready to choose faith.
Not fear. Not anxiety. Not depression.


I still have many chains to break.
I am still attacked with anxiety, and I am still sinful in my thoughts and actions.
But I have the power in Christ to keep changing!!
With faith the size of a mustard seed, we have the ability to move mountains.

I still keep trying to gain control in my life.
Keep trying to put restrictions on myself.
Keep getting caught up rushing and trying to get things done.
Trying to do things my way.

But I must say no!
There is freedom in the release.
God wants me to enjoy today!
I am free to have fun!
Free to be me!!!
Free from sin and death!

Free to live joyfully for Him!!!

Thanks God!!!
Please help me to embrace this freedom and joy in You.
Help me to learn to love myself the same way I love my family and friends.
Thank You, Jesus, for Your EXTRAVAGANT love for me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

That was scary.

Last night I was filled with a weird feeling of questioning everything I do and believe. A weird kind of almost numbness toward God. It was scary!!! It was not me. Not normal at all. Not like anything I have ever felt at all. I knew it was Satan! Because I had been fed and believed the lie that "everything I do and say, the very way I live, is hurtful to others and makes them think I think I am better than them," I was questioning everything.

I was feeling that everything I did before had been wrong. Hurtful and horrible. I was angry at myself for being filled with God's joy and peace and for everything I've ever said. For all the times I've talked about God with people. I started believing I should've just let everyone do and talk about whatever they wanted. I started believing I should've played all the games people wanted to show them that I don't think there is anything wrong with playing games or not talking about God. I don't think playing games or talking about things other than God is wrong or bad at all!!! But at the same time, I was beating myself up for being myself and doing the things I enjoy. I seriously was filled with anger at myself for everything I had done in the past.

I was full of numbness toward God. I knew I was filled with lies. But I was questioning everything. I allowed everything I've done, felt, believed, learned, said, etc to be almost ripped away from me. I didn't want to believe any of it anymore if it had really hurt everyone and not shown God's love. I was so filled with questioning that I was numb toward everything I've learned or believed.

During it all, I could tell it was all lies. It was like I felt it all (all the numbness and sense of questioning), but still had a head knowledge of the truth. I still had faith it would all go away. I knew it would lead to even deeper faith. Deeper reliance on God. Deeper understanding. Deeper knowing what I believe and feel and do is true and is out of love for God and not done for any other reason. I knew it would pass, but during the time, it would not go away. It was SCARY.

While at Chi Alpha girl's night last night I starting writing down everything. Even during it all, I knew Jesus was all I needed. I knew He was all I wanted and needed, but everything was clouded.

During one of the songs I was praying hard. I was still filled with numbness and desperately wanted it to go away. And God whispered,
"I am already with you. I am already there. Isn't that enough?"

During the sermon I kept writing all the lies. Tears kept coming to my eyes. I knew I needed to go and cry and pray to God and get all of it out. But I wanted to hear the sermon, so I kept writing with tears in my eyes.

"Right now I am filled with guilt, shame, condemnation, anxiety, fear, lukewarmness, questioning, hatred and anger at myself. I am believing Satan's lies that everything I believe is a lie!!! I am filled with self-consciousness. I need to trust that everything from the past was from God and if not that He will use it!!!

I do need to listen to a friend's words of advice that I can't be going around blaming Satan for things in other people! But I can't keep worrying that I've hurt everybody. I can't keep worrying about what everybody thinks about my passion for God and desire to spend time with Him and talk about Him.

I do not want to show irritation toward others' actions, but I don't want to keep condemning myself or every single thought, action, word, and move. They have been from God. The sorrow has been from God. I can't let a few words from friends make me so filled with condemnation. I need to trust that God sees my heart. He knows. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks!!

I do want to be really careful what I say or do, but I want to have faith God will work and talk. Not me. God did work and talk and is using all of it, even my mistakes, for good.

I do want to be slower to speak and more inviting. But I need to stop hating myself. Start loving myself.
(Hardest things I've ever asked myself to do!!!!! Saying the word makes tears come to my eyes. My whole life I have NOT ever wanted to or have loved myself. I've always hated myself. Even saying the words 'I should love myself' makes me angry because I DO NOT want to. I don't believe I should because I am so horrible!!!)
I need to start loving myself and start being overwhelmed by God's AMAZING love and forgiveness for me.

I feel like I can't handle any criticism from others. I need to learn to be thankful for it and to still forgive and love myself when I hear it. I don't want to put who anyone else wants me to be over who God wants me to be. I need to realize that every time anyone criticizes me, I need to forgive and love myself. Otherwise Satan will take hold like crazy. It hurts me so much to displease those closest to me and God and others. But especially to hurt my family or those closest to me. These thoughts need to change. I need to put pleasing God ahead of pleasing others.

I am truly believing that everything I've done in the past has been wrong. That I've hurt everybody instead of helped. That I've constantly thought or appeared to have thought that I'm better than others and that what I do is better than what others do. This isn't even true. I do NOT think what I do is better. The only thing good in me is Jesus. He is all I want to boast of.

I'm questioning if my worries about and words to others have been wrong. I'm questioning everything I've believed is wrong. I'm questioning why I've believed songs. I'm questioning EVERYTHING. I've never questioned any of these things before. I've believed, known, felt, and been passionate. But now I'm worried. About the past and the future. I know I just need to trust God and stop beating myself up for every word. All the things I've felt, believed, and lived coincide with Bible verses and they were NOT from me but from God. But now I'm questioning EVERYTHING. Why? It has to be Satan!!! But I don't even get this... why is this happening?"

While writing down all these thoughts and lies, I was still listening to the sermon and to the things being said. When the verse was brought up,
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
-Psalm 37:4

I was thinking and praying honestly to God. "The only desire in my heart is You Jesus. Just to be with You Jesus. Just You Jesus. You Jesus. You Jesus."

But I was still filled with all the thoughts and lies that I kept writing down. At the end of the sermon, the speaker broke down. She said ladies were getting ready to pray for us. She said God had told her there is someone in the room who is seriously filled with Satan's lies. Who is seriously wounded. Wounded from her relationship with their dad. Wounded from her relationships with people. Wounded from abusive words and Satan's lies. She said she was crying because God had shown her this and God had shown her how precious whoever is struggling with all of this is to Him...

She kept saying more, but as she was talking I started crying uncontrollably. Loudly. Shaking uncontrollably and crying hard and loud. Almost unable to breath. I tried to stay there to hear all that she was saying. And I knew I really wanted to be prayed for. But finally I couldn't take it. I had to walk quickly to the bathroom. I was crying hard and loud. Gasping for breath. Coughing.

I went back desperate and excited for prayer. I just couldn't take all the numb and lukewarm feelings. I couldn't take any of it! I wanted to be back to myself!!

Once I got to the first lady who prayed over me. I was crying too much to be able to explain what I needed prayer for. She took me in her arms and said, "It's okay. Just let me pray for you." I really wish what she said had been recorded or written down!! It was prophesy that was strait from God and true. I can't remember all of what she said, but this is a little of what I remember. She said God wants me to know I am worthy and precious.

(I do NOT believe I am worthy. And that is actually something my friend Colleen had told me that morning. That she has learned she needs to learn to love herself and believe she is worthy. The Holy Spirit was truly talking through Colleen to me in an amazing conversation. She talked about many things!! And ironically I later realized more and more through out the day how much I had been struggling with all those things and had really needed to hear them all from her right then.)

The lady said God is still here and with me. His Word and everything I've believed is still true and right. That I have allowed Satan in and have allowed him to take hold. I have believed the lies of the enemy and that I am unworthy. But God says I am worthy. He has plans for me. I don't need to live by fear. He will command my feet and lead me. He sees me as a precious daughter. He wants to use me. She said a lot more that I can't remember. I was sobbing. She prayed for me to be filled with each of the fruits of the Spirit.
(Remember that this lady had NO idea what I was going through. Her words were straight from God!!!!)

I had two other ladies pray over me. They prayed for me to have clarity. They prayed for many things. God really used them. God spoke through those ladies, Colleen, the Bible, and direct whispers to me yesterday. I have learned so much in one week it is insane. This week has been so incredibly hard and painful. The depression has been terrible. But I know I must keep praying. Keep believing. Keep trusting.

Some days this week God would wake me up with beautiful words in my head,
"I am not who I was. I am being remade. I am new. I am chosen and holy. And I'm dearly loved. I am new."
I thanked the Lord for those words!! But the depression and anxiety would return later. And sometimes I would wake up with the horrible depression. It was scary. But I kept praying. Allowing it all to bring me closer to Him. Giving thanks to Him for it!!! Yesterday was the scary day where lies totally made me question everything. I let Satan in and he really took hold.

But I am so very thankful.

Today I can hear the lyrics, "So remember what I've told you. There's so much you're living for. There's a light at the end of this tunnel. For you, for you. Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel. For you, for you. So keep holdin' on. Keep holding on. Keep holding on, now..."

Thanks God!!! There is definitely light at the end of this tunnel!! And that light is faith. Faith and hope in Christ again!! Deeper faith. Deeper hope. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.

God is SO MUCH greater and more powerful than Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am thankful for all I've learned.
I've learned I do want to be careful not to appear that I think I or the things that I do are better than others or what they do.
I do not want to let what others say make me beat myself up.
I do not want to worry what other people think. Only what God thinks.
I do want to stop beating myself up, because it opens the door of my heart Satan. To his lies and condemnation.
And, even though I don't even want to, I need to learn to love myself.
This doesn't mean love myself as in think I am all special and great. It doesn't mean be prideful. But it means I want to learn to love myself the same way I love my friends and family. That is something I have never done before.

God says I am worthy. Beautiful and precious.
God wants me to stop hating myself.

Thanks God. :)

"Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

To ever believe

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there

Was no way I could change

But the One who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do

I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new

I am not who I was

I am being remade I am new

Dead to the old man I'm coming alive

I am new

Forgiven beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy this is our new name

This is who we are now..."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I need Him.

I'm not alright.
I'm seriously broken inside.
Filled with sadness that I just can't shake off.
Hurt and pain.

...But I am thankful. It's in this horrible, uncomfortable, scary place where the need becomes deeper. Bigger. Wider.

I need to be held.
I need to be whispered, "It's okay. Everything is going to be alright. God's love is GREATER. You have Heaven to look forward to. It's okay. God is good. God is with you. God is holding you."

I need what this world can NOT give.
I need JESUS.
His beautiful whisper,
"It's okay. Do not fear. I love you. You are beautiful to Me. I am everything you need. I will protect you."

Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for answering my prayer.
For bringing me to my weakness so that You are all I have to cling to.
Thank You for moving me closer and closer to You.

Even if this is incredibly painful, I am safe in Your arms.

"Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"

Monday, March 21, 2011

What my own hands have done

The Lord has been answering my prayers that I would not feel irritation or anger toward other Christians. That I would feel only compassion, love, and patience toward them when they repeatedly struggle to find their comfort from God or when they repeatedly dig themselves into the same holes. I could still use lots of prayer for this, but I can see God is answering the prayers more and more each day.

Lately I've still been saddened by sin. Saddened by the world. Saddened when we turn to this world instead of God. When we let our desires or anxieties become more important than God's love and forgiveness, but God continues to humble me.

I realize more and more how sinful I am. How hypocritical I am. How much I myself struggle with all the SAME things! Or things no better or worse!!! And I look at those who are lost with compassion. That could be me!!

I am no better. No less sinful. The only huge difference is that, because I have Jesus Christ and am continually repenting of my sins, when God looks at me He sees Jesus Christ. He doesn't see my sin. But sees perfection. I DON'T DESERVE THIS AT ALL. But it is the free gift God graciously pours out to me just because I have faith. ... Anyway, God has been filling me with more compassion for the world. I am so thankful. and still need His help.

God is also filling me with more patience, compassion, understanding, and love for other Christians. This is something I've realized I really need His help with and need prayer for.

Last night I was filled with compassion and love for some struggling friends. Pictures of their sad faces and their sin kept flashing through my head. I was filled with sadness, love, and compassion. ...Lots of sadness. But then God humbled me even farther. He reminded me again of the filthy place my own hands have been. My own ugly sin kept replaying in my mind. Filling me with disgust. Sadness. Humility. Compassion. Understanding. And love.

There is no sin more disgusting or saddening than what my own hands have done.

Thank You God for opening my eyes.

Burn away the pride

I feel deeply saddened. I have been blind for so long. Blind to how much I have been living with a horrible, deadly sin. Blind to how many areas of my life I have allowed this sin to enter. Blind to how much I have let this sin affect how I think, what I say, and how I act...

Yesterday I went to a prayer/worship event. I was surrounded by elders. People overflowing with PASSION for Jesus. People filled with, even drunk from the Spirit. People filled with shouts for the Lord, prophesy, words from Him, people letting the Spirit control their every limb. It was intense. Something words can't describe.

God was working there. A lot. A lot more than I can comprehend. And He was working everywhere on behalf of the prayers prayed to Him from that place.

Lately the Lord has been slowly bringing to my awareness something very painful. Something that's been so hard for me to see: my pride. And yesterday in that room where the Holy Spirit was ever so present, the Lord opened my eyes.

I am so very very very very prideful. It is disgusting. And I am continuing to realize, as I am now seeing clearly, no longer as blind as before, just how many areas I have allowed this pride to enter. So many areas!!!

This conviction is very very painful. I am deeply saddened over how much I have hurt others and mostly how much I have hurt God with this sin!!! But I thank the Lord from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes. Filling me with conviction, pain, sadness, and mostly more compassion and love for all.

Thank You God.

"Burn away the pride. Bring me to my weakness. 'Til everything I hide behind is gone. And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to, only You are there to lead me on. 'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong..."

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


"Tonight" by Rush of Fools

I'm so aware of what I deserve
I should be drowning in the Red Sea tonight
But so aware of what You impart
I'm only drowning in Your love tonight
I'm only drowning in Your love

'Cause You give when You should take away
And You take what should have been my pain
And You offer good when I've none in me
You're the only love that makes me complete

You draw me closer than the air
You wipe away all my despair tonight
You pull me out to where You are
Until I'm drowning in Your love tonight
I'm only drowning in Your love

'Cause You give when You should take away
And You take what should have been my pain
And You offer good when I've none in me
You're the only love that makes me complete

Make me complete

'Cause You give when You should take away
And You take what should have been my pain
And You offer good when I've none in me
You're the only love that makes me complete

Friday, March 4, 2011

a fire deep within

"I'm thirsty, God, I'm thirsty.
From drinking what destroys me.
I'm pouring poison in my cup.

I'm hungry, God, I'm hungry.
Consuming what controls me.
Somehow it never fills me up.

We all want to find something to pass the time,
but that could never be enough.

Everybody says we're all so different,
but everybody knows we're all the same.
We're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain.
Something's got to change.

Do you remember when you
had so much hope within you?
It lingers deep inside you still.

The more of us we swallow,
the more we become hollow.
Until we don't know how to feel.

We all want to find something to satisfy,
but we could never be enough.

When everything we say and take just leads to war and hate,
we only pass the blame, sedate the pain, and move along.

But something feels so wrong, so deep inside, so hard to hide.
So desperately we try and try, and come to find that we are not what we've been loving for.

I can't believe I"m hearing people say that all is well.
I think it's time we all admit we have no good within ourselves.
'Cause we are not okay, we're not alright, and we need to pray for help.
Forgive us for our pride, Oh God, Oh God, please save us from ourselves."

-"Something's Got To Change" by Josh Wilson

We are all so broken.
With a hole only Christ can fill.
We are all the same.
All lost apart from His love.

We need each other.
We need prayer.


People are more broken today than ever in history.
More lost. More dead inside than ever before.
The world is more ready for a Savior than ever before.
People are seriously ready to hear His Word!!!

Our time makes a difference.
Sharing and showing His love makes a difference.
Sharing His Word makes a difference.
Our prayers make a difference.

The world is broken. Desperate. READY for Him.

God is creating a new fire within me.
A deep compassion and love for the lost.
And a burning desire in my heart to do something about it.