Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sadness strikes again.

Sometimes I just don't get it.


Why am I attacked so much every day?
Why am I filled with so much sadness during this break??

It makes no sense at all.

I know all of God's promises.
And they bring me more than enough amazing joy and peace every day!!
I know how much God loves me.
I know my thoughts are all irrational.

But thoughts still plague me.
Eating at me.
Lately filling me with sadness.

Today the lies filled my head.
I'm a horrible girl friend.
I'm annoying.
I say too much.
I'm a horrible daughter.
I'm not interesting.
I'm not fun.
I"m too complicated.
I'm not there for people.
They think I don't love them.
They think I'm selfish.
I'm ugly.

I have too much I want to do.
I will never get it done.
Time is going too fast.

These thoughts are horrible.
All from anxiety and depression.

All NOT what God thinks.

"You are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful.

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful,
In His eyes."

-"Beautiful" by MercyMe

And NOT what Matt or my family or any of my friends think either.
They are opposite.

And they fill me with sadness and depression.
I know they are beyond stupid!!!
I don't want them.
I know they are NOT real.

I just keep praying.
Keep surrendering.
Keep praying.
Keep saying "No!"
I sing.
I pray.
I read.

I go downstairs to sing. Someone is already there. I'm scared to move, talk, or even be there. I say very softly, "I want to be down here, but I know I will annoy you, so I am not really sure what I should do." I was scared and weak. And the replied "You are ALREADY annoying me."

I couldn't stop the tears.
I feel so weak.
So stupid.

Why am I pitying myself so much?? There is NOTHING wrong with me. God has created me beautifully and wonderfully. God loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I am blessed beyond compare with the extravagant, never ending, AMAZING love of Jesus my Savior, Heaven to look forward to, and with the most amazing and loving people in my life. I am so thankful for Matt, Kelsey, Amy, Kaitlyn, Jared, and ALL of my amazing brothers in sisters in Christ!!!! They show me God's love SO MUCH every day. I have NO REASON to feel any of the thoughts.

Yet I sat there and cried.
The pain of the past was back.
I failed.

My worst fear had come true.


But through it all I AM THANKFUL.
Thankful that the anxiety makes me so filled with joy over God's love.
Over the fact that God loves EVERYTHING about me!!!!

God never thinks of me as a failure.
Even when I feel like I am, He tells me the opposite.

"The LORD has appeared to us from afar saying:
'I have loved you with an everlasting love;

I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.'"

-Jeremiah 31:3

I am thankful for all of God's love that is poured out to me from friends.

I am thankful that I KNOW all these thoughts are wrong.
I am thankful HEAVEN is coming!!!

I am thankful that even in the pain and sadness I have peace.
I always smile when I think of God's beautiful love for me.

"The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7

I am thankful that when I am weak, Jesus is my strength.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
-2 Corinthians 12:9

I am thankful all of it makes me spend so much time in prayer.
So much time singing and listening to Christian music.
I am thankful that EVERY Bible verse, every song,
every word about God means so much to me.
I am thankful that all I ever want to do is spend time with God.

"Cast all your anxiety on God because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7

I am thankful that all of it humbles me.
Fills me with compassion.
Fills me with understanding for others.

God brings SO much good from every struggle!!!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."
-Romans 8:28

Thanks God!!
Thanks for holding me while my head is filled with stupid anxious thoughts.
Thank You for always loving, always forgiving,
and always understanding me when the world doesn't.

Thanks for the promise of Heaven!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to be there with You, Dear Jesus.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
-Philippians 3:20-21

I love You Lord!!!
Sorry I am filled with so many ridiculous and irrational thoughts.

Your love for me is beautiful.
Thank You.

"Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
We’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always."

-"There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

He is faithful.

I want to run through grassy fields,
leaping carelessly, plucking flowers and throwing them into the air.

I want to shout from the mountaintop!

"The LORD is faithful!!"

You ARE FAITHFUL indeed Dear Lord!

Thank You.

Thank You that even through
even through loneliness,






and doubt,

Your promises remain

And Your promises bring peace.

A lasting peace that is always there.

Underneath the sadness, pain, and anxiety, I
always know You love me. I ALWAYS know I have Heaven to look forward to. There is so much peace and joy in that Dear Lord. Thank You!!

Thank You
that persevering through trials and putting hope in You through everything always pays off. You always have so many lessons for me and for others. Each and every day. Thank You Jesus!!

Thank You for answering prayers!!!
I learn more and more every day how powerful prayers really are. Thank You!!!

Hoping in You during the good times AND the bad times
always pays off incredibly!!

Thank You Lord!! Thank You for filling me with Your amazing Joy!

I love You Jesus!!!


“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His Word I put my hope.”
-Psalm 130:5

"[Trials] have come so that your faith--of even greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
-1 Peter 1:7-9

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33

"The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7

“Praise Him, all you people of the earth, for He loves us with unfailing love; the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord!”
-Psalm 117

He never lets go

This break has been painfully difficult.

Struggling with anxiety, depression, and exhaustion.
There is no doubt, I have been an anxious mess.

Some nights, mornings, afternoons, I have been filled with sadness and pain.
Sadness that just won't go away.

I've crawled under the blankets thinking about Jesus.
Trying to find comfort in Him.
In His loving touch.
I know His arms are always around me,
even when it feels like the pain and sadness won't go away.

It will.

God is always with us.
He never lets go.

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
-Psalm 30:5

Thanks God!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Please change my heart, Lord.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Dear God,

Please change my selfish heart.
I am trying to forgive. I am trying to move past.
I DO forgive everything. And I AM moving past, excited for a future focused on Your love.

But I still need my heart to be further changed and healed.

I need Your help God.

Please help me to not boast or be proud.
I DON'T want to keep a record of wrongs!! Please help me to look at everything with love.
To see only good and pure intentions. Because that is what they truly ARE!!!
It is my selfish and sinful heart that needs to change. Not anybody else.

Please help me not to be self-seeking.
Take away the anger I have in my heart!!!

Fill me with patience, dear Lord.
Fill me with your beautiful patience.
And love.
Overflowing love.
Sacrificial love. Your love.

Help me to be kind, Lord.
Sometimes I get confused about when to speak and when to be silent.
Help my words to be very very kind.
Honest, but very gentle and kind and filled with love.

Because I know, the love in my heart is SO MUCH GREATER than all of the other things.
Always has been. Always will be.
It is overflowing and totally from You.

BUT I want more of Your love Lord!
Fill my heart with the fruits of the Spirit.
I want my heart to be so filled with Your love that there is no room for anything else.

Help me Lord!!!

I want to always trust You Lord.
Always trust that You know what You are doing.
You know how to use every bit of pain, every time of suffering, every one of my mistakes.
You use everything for my good.

I want to trust that with You at the center of relationships, everything is always okay.
I need to stop letting anxiety, fear, or doubt creep in.
Help me say "No!" to those thoughts Lord.
I can't keep worrying that I am not good enough. That I am hurting others.
That they don't see my love.

I can't keep worrying that they don't love me as much as I love them.
They do.
And I need to trust in that.
You are at the center dear Lord.
And any anxiety just shows I am not putting my trust in You.

I'm sorry for hurting You so much with my anxious thoughts dear Lord.
I know it really hurts You when I don't put my trust in You.
Please change my heart dear Lord.

Change my heart to one that is always hopeful.
Always filled with excitement for what You have in store.
Always confident in You, dear Lord.
And always confident that You WILL bring change and healing and growth in Your time, dear Lord.
Help me not to become impatient.

Help me not to want everything to happen so quickly.
Fill me with patience.
Your timing is SO much better than mine, dear Lord.
You always know what You're doing.
I'm sorry that I doubt.

Lastly, help me to be filled with Christ's perseverance.
Christ was constantly abused verbally and physically, killed and crucified.
Yet He was always filled with love.
Always filled with patience, peace, faithfulness, and self-control.
Never filled with any sinful or selfish desire, even though He was put through the worst of circumstances.
Help me have the attitude of Jesus, dear Lord.

I love You Lord!!
Thank You for Your Love.
Your never failing love.

Monday, December 27, 2010

a constant hunger for more

I want to change. I want to move. I want to grow.

I am sick of THIS.
Sick of letting my people-pleasing desires keep me away from spending time focused on filling my hunger for God. I want to know more about God!! I want to study His word. I want to read books about Him. I want to spend my time with Him. Focused on Him. Focused on loving Him and others. I want to learn more about Jesus so that I can constantly push myself to be more and more like Him!!

I am broken.

I am so broken.

Wounded by the lies. Lies from myself. Lies from the world. Lies from others.
Lies Satan wants me to believe.

I am filled with pain. Sadness. Anxiety. and Fear.

They creep in every day.

I NEED Jesus.

I need His love. His romance. His kind words. I need these things EVERY day, constantly, to keep me going. To help me say "NO!" to the lies. To help me allow the Holy Spirit to fill me with the peace and joy that come from knowing how much God loves me. How much He loves me even though I am so sinful. Even though I keep screwing up. Even though I feel so ugly--He sees me as beautiful! I NEED that. He loves every part of me. Every part of me that is so easy for me to hate.

He forgives me. For everything.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this Savior, Father, Friend, and Lover.

But He's there. And He wants to wrap me in His loving arms. He wants to whisper "you're beautiful" in my ear. He wants to hold me forever. To tell me it's okay. He's got everything under control. And a better time (ETERNAL LIFE) is coming. It's going to be alright.

Thanks so much God.
I need YOU Jesus!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Friday, December 17, 2010

Spiritual battle for JOY and peace

I often think about people who are not filled with God's joy and peace. This fills me with sadness. I ache for these people, suffer, allow myself to be filled with pain, I feel on the verge of crying--the thought of not being filled with these fruits of the Spirit is horrible. I often wish everyone else was filled with joy and peace instead of me. I often sacrifice my own joy and peace because I don't like being filled with them when others aren't. But I know I need to arm myself with these valuable weapons against the enemy. And I need to help share and spread these fruits of the Holy Spirit to others.

My past was filled with unbearable pain and suffering. Constant anxiety from wanting to please God and others. Constantly being stuck in work. Constantly beating myself up in my head for being a horrible and unloving person because I was so stuck working on homework instead of helping my family with chores. I believed the lies thrown at me that I was very very selfish. I struggled constantly with body image. Feeling too fat or too skinny. Feeling ugly. I was filled with anxiety about time and getting everything done. Constant anxiety and fear of not being able to do everything I had planned. I would plan everything up to the minute. I was buried in my work. Buried in my pain. An anxious mess. HORRIBLY ANXIOUS. And then I turned to exercise. And food. And I got stuck in emotional eating. That was HORRIBLE. I felt so ashamed of myself. Filled with guilt and anger at myself constantly.

But learning about God's forgiveness filled me with joy and hope. I learned to constantly just lay down on the ground bowed before the Lord and surrender EVERYTHING to Him. All my anxiety, all my pain, shame, guilt, and anger. All my selfish desires. To thank Him for His AMAZING love. To ask Him to do His will not mine. To rest in His love for me. To rest in the fact that He is in control.

It took God bringing me to rock bottom after rock bottom to force me to surrender everything to Him again and again. But I am thankful for this. Because the joy and peace that the Holy Spirit filled me with from doing this is AMAZING. And I still have to surrender everything to God CONSTANTLY. Every day. Every minute. But it's worth it.

I've learned not to expect any people to satisfy me but God. That I need to find comfort in Him being my true Father, Friend, and Lover. I can't try finding comfort in anything of the world. Not food, not movies, not anything worldly that doesn't involve loving God and others. Especially when anxiety, anger, selfishness, discontent, hard times, tiredness, sinful thoughts, etc strike---I cannot try to turn to the world for comfort!!

I need to find my strength from joy in how much God loves EVERYTHING about me, how much God loves and forgives me UNCONDITIONALLY even though I deserve death and hell. I am filled with peace, joy, and strength from knowing God promises me eternal life that will be SO MUCH BETTER than this horrible evil world and than anything we can imagine!!!!! There is so much joy in that!!!!!!!! God wants to fill us with peace even during the hardest of times. It takes constant prayer and Spiritual warfare. It takes getting away and praying EVERY time you feel even a little bit discontent until He fills you with peace again. That means constant prayer and battling all the lies Satan is whispering to you. It takes SURRENDERING EVERYTHING you are worried about or struggling with or that is sinful to God constantly. It takes work, but God is always ready and waiting to fill you with peace again.

"What is joy? Joy is something that we choose to express. It's not pie in the sky; it doesn't come and go like the wind. And where does this kind of joy come from? Well, as you know, it's a matter of attitude that comes from God's Holy Spirit dwelling in us and our confidence in God, the belief that He is at work, that He is in full control, that He is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening, or will happen."
-United Church of God sermon transcript

I've also learned that this peace and joy is weakened by the world VERY quickly. It takes constant prayer and getting away from the world to spend time with the Lord again to get it back fully. For me, reading the Word, praying, talking about God, worshiping God, listening to Christian music, reading Christian books, learning more about God, LOVING God, getting to know others, helping others, listening to others, sharing with others, and LOVING others allow me to stay filled with this joy and peace. Everything else is just unsatisfying. Everything that doesn't relate to loving God or others tends to weaken the joy and peace that God gives me through the Holy Spirit. I constantly pray that God will fill me with peace even during the hardest of times, and He does. Underneath it all, the Holy Spirit fills me with a lasting peace in knowing God loves me and promises eternal life. But when the anxiety or discontent strikes, I know I NEED prayer so the joy and peace can be AMAZING again. When God fills me with His AMAZING joy and peace there is no more room for anxiety and sinfulness and selfishness in my heart.

We are in a constant Spiritual battle. We need to fight. We need to say "No!" to Satan's constant lies. God gives us peace and joy through the Holy Spirit. We need to stop our hearts from being filled with anxiety, anger, selfishness, and sinful thoughts. We need to stop turning to the world for comfort. God is more powerful than the evil one, and God's AMAZING love is what TRULY satisfies and brings joy and peace!!!


"For the joy of the Lord is your strength."

-Nehemiah 8:10