Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sadness strikes again.

Sometimes I just don't get it.


Why am I attacked so much every day?
Why am I filled with so much sadness during this break??

It makes no sense at all.

I know all of God's promises.
And they bring me more than enough amazing joy and peace every day!!
I know how much God loves me.
I know my thoughts are all irrational.

But thoughts still plague me.
Eating at me.
Lately filling me with sadness.

Today the lies filled my head.
I'm a horrible girl friend.
I'm annoying.
I say too much.
I'm a horrible daughter.
I'm not interesting.
I'm not fun.
I"m too complicated.
I'm not there for people.
They think I don't love them.
They think I'm selfish.
I'm ugly.

I have too much I want to do.
I will never get it done.
Time is going too fast.

These thoughts are horrible.
All from anxiety and depression.

All NOT what God thinks.

"You are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful.

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful,
In His eyes."

-"Beautiful" by MercyMe

And NOT what Matt or my family or any of my friends think either.
They are opposite.

And they fill me with sadness and depression.
I know they are beyond stupid!!!
I don't want them.
I know they are NOT real.

I just keep praying.
Keep surrendering.
Keep praying.
Keep saying "No!"
I sing.
I pray.
I read.

I go downstairs to sing. Someone is already there. I'm scared to move, talk, or even be there. I say very softly, "I want to be down here, but I know I will annoy you, so I am not really sure what I should do." I was scared and weak. And the replied "You are ALREADY annoying me."

I couldn't stop the tears.
I feel so weak.
So stupid.

Why am I pitying myself so much?? There is NOTHING wrong with me. God has created me beautifully and wonderfully. God loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I am blessed beyond compare with the extravagant, never ending, AMAZING love of Jesus my Savior, Heaven to look forward to, and with the most amazing and loving people in my life. I am so thankful for Matt, Kelsey, Amy, Kaitlyn, Jared, and ALL of my amazing brothers in sisters in Christ!!!! They show me God's love SO MUCH every day. I have NO REASON to feel any of the thoughts.

Yet I sat there and cried.
The pain of the past was back.
I failed.

My worst fear had come true.


But through it all I AM THANKFUL.
Thankful that the anxiety makes me so filled with joy over God's love.
Over the fact that God loves EVERYTHING about me!!!!

God never thinks of me as a failure.
Even when I feel like I am, He tells me the opposite.

"The LORD has appeared to us from afar saying:
'I have loved you with an everlasting love;

I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.'"

-Jeremiah 31:3

I am thankful for all of God's love that is poured out to me from friends.

I am thankful that I KNOW all these thoughts are wrong.
I am thankful HEAVEN is coming!!!

I am thankful that even in the pain and sadness I have peace.
I always smile when I think of God's beautiful love for me.

"The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7

I am thankful that when I am weak, Jesus is my strength.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
-2 Corinthians 12:9

I am thankful all of it makes me spend so much time in prayer.
So much time singing and listening to Christian music.
I am thankful that EVERY Bible verse, every song,
every word about God means so much to me.
I am thankful that all I ever want to do is spend time with God.

"Cast all your anxiety on God because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7

I am thankful that all of it humbles me.
Fills me with compassion.
Fills me with understanding for others.

God brings SO much good from every struggle!!!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."
-Romans 8:28

Thanks God!!
Thanks for holding me while my head is filled with stupid anxious thoughts.
Thank You for always loving, always forgiving,
and always understanding me when the world doesn't.

Thanks for the promise of Heaven!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to be there with You, Dear Jesus.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
-Philippians 3:20-21

I love You Lord!!!
Sorry I am filled with so many ridiculous and irrational thoughts.

Your love for me is beautiful.
Thank You.

"Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
We’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always."

-"There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp

1 comment:

  1. Hey!! :) I LOVE your blog!! NEVER apologize for any thoughts you have, anxious or not, because we all have them!! We all have them, because I firmly believe God blessed us with them!! Doesn't that sound strange? But He made us that way so we can constantly repent and come to Him, to constantly be stronger in Him!! :) I love how God is working in our lives, girl! I'm so happy to read some of your blog posts, and I look forward to reading them in the future!! Love ya!! :)