Tuesday, July 21, 2009


July 21, 2009


I've come to my lowest of lows again and again and again and again. I never imagined I would ever eat another dorito after yesterday, yet today I ate bags and bags. When I sit down to this stupid basement computer I feel compelled to crunch and crunch and crunch and crunch. It is not me. It isn't the Abby who loves fruit. Who loves to be 100 pounds. Who likes only healthy food. It is weird.. As I pop that first gross fatty chip into my mouth, I think: I want to lose weight, why am I doing this? It is like I know what I'm doing but can't control it.

30 pounds in one year--a ton of pounds in a few months--AAAAHHHHHH! I am so embarrassed. This is not me. I WILL be skinny by the time I go to college. In less than a month.

We wonder. Is it the medication? I will call that stupid lady tomorrow. Those stupid ladies are the ones who made me fat in the first place. They say I have an eating disorder. anorexia. They made me eat and eat fat to gain weight. But I just won't stop. Last time I saw them they were so happy....little did they know.

I felt okay today. Not as bad as yesterday, even though I ate way more today. But deep down I MISS DANCING. It tears my heart to pieces. I cry with fear. Will I ever soar again? will I ever beat my legs? Will I ever jump off the ground? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED HELP.

I don't want to do this again tomorrow.

One piece of fruit, one lean cuisine, and a tiny bit of supper, and more fruit, that is IT.

This isn't me.


"Did you feel, feel it break?
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost.
Feels like your innocence is lost
So much for the perfect life!
So much for the perfect day!
It’s like no matter how you try,
Perfection’s just too far away.

So lift them up,
to Me.
All the broken pieces.
All the broken pieces of your life.
To Me.
All the broken pieces.
All the broken pieces of your life.

Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you.
And no one loves you like I do.
That’s the beauty of this grace.
It can put the pieces back in place.
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways.

I can take even your greatest mistake.
Every scar, every tear, every break.
And I can turn it in to something more beautiful
Than you have ever seen.

So lift them up to Me