Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I hate myself/ "That was scary" intro

This has been a very very hard and scary week. I struggled with depression and anxiety every day. Depression and anxiety are not part of God's original plan. They are a result of the fall of man and sin. The root of both of them is lack of faith. And Satan uses any lack of faith big time!

A lot of days this week I was filled with sadness for the broken. I was deeply saddened over the world's lack of faith. Sad for those who are not embracing freedom and joy in Christ. This made me realize again how much our continuous lack of faith and hope in Him must deeply sadden God.

Hearing pessimistic thoughts from people also made their pessimism spread to me. Fear, anxiety, and hopelessness filled me really bad. But when I became depressed from the depth of the world's lack of faith, hopelessness, and pain, I was humbled. God wants me to have faith!! To trust Him to take care of my friends in His perfect timing. Only He can change people's hearts. I need to trust that He is working. Trust that He is answering our prayers!!

A lot of my anxiety and depression was also due to beating myself up. This is an anxiety I am constantly prone to. And when I start beating myself up, I open the door of my heart to the devil. I let the enemy feed me lies. And I believe them.
Because I was convicted by the Holy Spirit of pride earlier this week, I started beating myself up a lot every day. I should've just said, "God, I am sorry for my pride, please forgive me," and moved on, but instead I let Satan fill me with constant condemnation. It spread to me condemning myself for absolutely everything I do!!

Today as I beat myself up and was questioning everything I do, I let Satan have control to a very scary degree!! From it I learned a lot about how the enemy has been working in me...

I've learned that I hate myself. I always have. Deep down, I've always hated myself.
I constantly am looking for things wrong with me. Things to change. Things that are not pleasing to God. Things that are hurtful to others.

This has always been why I've been quick to cry. I am filled with thoughts, some true and some lies, that beat myself up. Constantly.

"I am a failure. Everything I do is hurtful to others. I am horribly selfish. I am a horrible sinner. I am a horrible daughter..."

And when something goes wrong: when a parent, friend, roommate, or teacher has confirmed my fears, when someone has said, "You are selfish, you are unloving, you appear that you think you are better than everybody else, you did that all wrong...", or when someone calls me out on a sin or something I've done that hurts them, or when I beat my own self up for sins, it is just way too much. Too much for me to handle.

I hate the fact that it is too much for me to handle! And I beat myself up for that fact too. I know I should be okay. I should NOT let what others think and say hurt me so much. I should only worry what God thinks. I know He knows my heart. But even so, after someone says something to me about something I've done wrong the words will repeat over and over and over in my head. I believe the words completely. I HATE MYSELF.

And that hatred is not from God. It's from Satan! By hating myself I allow Satan into my heart.

The lies will continue to fill me. Paralyze me. Consume me. I believe every one. "I am horrible!!! Everything I do is hurtful. I have failed. I must change. What must I change? I must change!!"

I often worry that the fact that I am filled with joy is hurtful to people. That they don't get it. That they don't get it is from God. I also worry that people think I think I am better than them. Ever since elementary school, I have dealt with the fear that people think I think I am better than them because of the way I act, live, and talk. And then someone confirms my fear by telling me, "You think you are better than everybody else." And it HURTS!!! Because I've already been worried. And I've already been beating myself up. And I've already been beating myself up for worrying. Because I know it is NOT about what people think. It's only about what God thinks. And God sees my heart.

The good thing about these fears, is they make me constantly pray for God to fill me with the Holy Spirit and faith.

very time these fears come, I say, "No! It only matters what God thinks."And I pray hard. I give all my anxious thoughts to Him. I pray until I no longer feel anxious but am filled with faith, peace, and sometimes joy. I pray until I am filled with the Holy Spirit again. If I have done anything good or will do anything good it is Him working through the Holy Spirit, not me. That allows me to not worry at all about how my actions affect others anymore. God will work, even through my constant mistakes. And when I submit to Him in faith, He will speak, not me.

Ultimately, I am always thankful for the anxiety, because by the time I enter the world, I am ready to not care what anyone thinks except God!! I am able to be myself knowing God knows what is in my heart, even if others don't understand. :)

Even though this is the case, I have realized I still hate myself deep down. This is one of the reasons the anxiety comes back so quickly! This hatred makes me so very vulnerable to Satan. It makes me prone to beating myself up, believing Satan's lies, and letting Satan handicap me a great deal from having faith in God, from loving Him with my whole heart, soul, mind, body, and strength, and from showing others His love.

The entry below, "That was scary" shows just how much beating myself up allowed Satan into my heart. It allowed him in to a scary degree!! But it also showed God's faithfulness, POWER, and strength. God is SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL than Satan!!!

I am so thankful that even when Satan does try to trick me and fill me with lies, I am still aware that God's love is so much greater. I am still aware that God is with me. And all I want to do is pray to God and rely on His help. We can't defeat Satan on our own, but with God we have the authority!! Praying in the name of "Jesus Christ" works! God will help. He is always there. Always holding my hand. Always carrying me through even the hardest and darkest times.

... Coming out of all of this, I am filled with even deeper faith in God.

And I am ready to embrace freedom!!!
Ready to live by faith.
To say "No!" to each and every lie.

I am ready to choose faith.
Not fear. Not anxiety. Not depression.


I still have many chains to break.
I am still attacked with anxiety, and I am still sinful in my thoughts and actions.
But I have the power in Christ to keep changing!!
With faith the size of a mustard seed, we have the ability to move mountains.

I still keep trying to gain control in my life.
Keep trying to put restrictions on myself.
Keep getting caught up rushing and trying to get things done.
Trying to do things my way.

But I must say no!
There is freedom in the release.
God wants me to enjoy today!
I am free to have fun!
Free to be me!!!
Free from sin and death!

Free to live joyfully for Him!!!

Thanks God!!!
Please help me to embrace this freedom and joy in You.
Help me to learn to love myself the same way I love my family and friends.
Thank You, Jesus, for Your EXTRAVAGANT love for me.

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