That was scary.

Last night I was filled with a weird feeling of questioning everything I do and believe. A weird kind of almost numbness toward God. It was scary!!! It was not me. Not normal at all. Not like anything I have ever felt at all. I knew it was Satan! Because I had been fed and believed the lie that "everything I do and say, the very way I live, is hurtful to others and makes them think I think I am better than them," I was questioning everything.

I was feeling that everything I did before had been wrong. Hurtful and horrible. I was angry at myself for being filled with God's joy and peace and for everything I've ever said. For all the times I've talked about God with people. I started believing I should've just let everyone do and talk about whatever they wanted. I started believing I should've played all the games people wanted to show them that I don't think there is anything wrong with playing games or not talking about God. I don't think playing games or talking about things other than God is wrong or bad at all!!! But at the same time, I was beating myself up for being myself and doing the things I enjoy. I seriously was filled with anger at myself for everything I had done in the past.

I was full of numbness toward God. I knew I was filled with lies. But I was questioning everything. I allowed everything I've done, felt, believed, learned, said, etc to be almost ripped away from me. I didn't want to believe any of it anymore if it had really hurt everyone and not shown God's love. I was so filled with questioning that I was numb toward everything I've learned or believed.

During it all, I could tell it was all lies. It was like I felt it all (all the numbness and sense of questioning), but still had a head knowledge of the truth. I still had faith it would all go away. I knew it would lead to even deeper faith. Deeper reliance on God. Deeper understanding. Deeper knowing what I believe and feel and do is true and is out of love for God and not done for any other reason. I knew it would pass, but during the time, it would not go away. It was SCARY.


While at Chi Alpha girl's night last night I starting writing down everything. Even during it all, I knew Jesus was all I needed. I knew He was all I wanted and needed, but everything was clouded.

During one of the songs I was praying hard. I was still filled with numbness and desperately wanted it to go away. And God whispered,

"I am already with you. I am already there. Isn't that enough?"

During the sermon I kept writing all the lies. Tears kept coming to my eyes. I knew I needed to go and cry and pray to God and get all of it out. But I wanted to hear the sermon, so I kept writing with tears in my eyes.

"Right now I am filled with guilt, shame, condemnation, anxiety, fear, lukewarmness, questioning, hatred and anger at myself. I am believing Satan's lies that everything I believe is a lie!!! I am filled with self-consciousness. I need to trust that everything from the past was from God and if not that He will use it!!!

I do need to listen to a friend's words of advice that I can't be going around blaming Satan for things in other people! But I can't keep worrying that I've hurt everybody. I can't keep worrying about what everybody thinks about my passion for God and desire to spend time with Him and talk about Him.

I do not want to show irritation toward others' actions, but I don't want to keep condemning myself or every single thought, action, word, and move. They have been from God. The sorrow has been from God. I can't let a few words from friends make me so filled with condemnation. I need to trust that God sees my heart. He knows. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks!!

I do want to be really careful what I say or do, but I want to have faith God will work and talk. Not me. God did work and talk and is using all of it, even my mistakes, for good.

I do want to be slower to speak and more inviting. But I need to stop hating myself. Start loving myself.
(Hardest things I've ever asked myself to do!!!!! Saying the word makes tears come to my eyes. My whole life I have NOT ever wanted to or have loved myself. I've always hated myself. Even saying the words 'I should love myself' makes me angry because I DO NOT want to. I don't believe I should because I am so horrible!!!)
I need to start loving myself and start being overwhelmed by God's AMAZING love and forgiveness for me.

I feel like I can't handle any criticism from others. I need to learn to be thankful for it and to still forgive and love myself when I hear it. I don't want to put who anyone else wants me to be over who God wants me to be. I need to realize that every time anyone criticizes me, I need to forgive and love myself. Otherwise Satan will take hold like crazy. It hurts me so much to displease those closest to me and God and others. But especially to hurt my family or those closest to me. These thoughts need to change. I need to put pleasing God ahead of pleasing others.

I am truly believing that everything I've done in the past has been wrong. That I've hurt everybody instead of helped. That I've constantly thought or appeared to have thought that I'm better than others and that what I do is better than what others do. This isn't even true. I do NOT think what I do is better. The only thing good in me is Jesus. He is all I want to boast of.

I'm questioning if my worries about and words to others have been wrong. I'm questioning everything I've believed is wrong. I'm questioning why I've believed songs. I'm questioning EVERYTHING. I've never questioned any of these things before. I've believed, known, felt, and been passionate. But now I'm worried. About the past and the future. I know I just need to trust God and stop beating myself up for every word. All the things I've felt, believed, and lived coincide with Bible verses and they were NOT from me but from God. But now I'm questioning EVERYTHING. Why? It has to be Satan!!! But I don't even get this... why is this happening?"

While writing down all these thoughts and lies, I was still listening to the sermon and to the things being said. When the verse was brought up,

"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
-Psalm 37:4

I was thinking and praying honestly to God. "The only desire in my heart is You Jesus. Just to be with You Jesus. Just You Jesus. You Jesus. You Jesus."

But I was still filled with all the thoughts and lies that I kept writing down. At the end of the sermon, the speaker broke down. She said ladies were getting ready to pray for us. She said God had told her there is someone in the room who is seriously filled with Satan's lies. Who is seriously wounded. Wounded from her relationship with their dad. Wounded from her relationships with people. Wounded from abusive words and Satan's lies. She said she was crying because God had shown her this and God had shown her how precious whoever is struggling with all of this is to Him...

She kept saying more, but as she was talking I started crying uncontrollably. Loudly. Shaking uncontrollably and crying hard and loud. Almost unable to breath. I tried to stay there to hear all that she was saying. And I knew I really wanted to be prayed for. But finally I couldn't take it. I had to walk quickly to the bathroom. I was crying hard and loud. Gasping for breath. Coughing.
I went back desperate and excited for prayer. I just couldn't take all the numb and lukewarm feelings. I couldn't take any of it! I wanted to be back to myself!!

Once I got to the first lady who prayed over me. I was crying too much to be able to explain what I needed prayer for. She took me in her arms and said, "It's okay. Just let me pray for you." I really wish what she said had been recorded or written down!! It was prophesy that was strait from God and true. I can't remember all of what she said, but this is a little of what I remember. She said God wants me to know I am worthy and precious.

(I do NOT believe I am worthy. And that is actually something my friend Colleen had told me that morning. That she has learned she needs to learn to love herself and believe she is worthy. The Holy Spirit was truly talking through Colleen to me in an amazing conversation. She talked about many things!! And ironically I later realized more and more through out the day how much I had been struggling with all those things and had really needed to hear them all from her right then.)

The lady said God is still here and with me. His Word and everything I've believed is still true and right. That I have allowed Satan in and have allowed him to take hold. I have believed the lies of the enemy and that I am unworthy. But God says I am worthy. He has plans for me. I don't need to live by fear. He will command my feet and lead me. He sees me as a precious daughter. He wants to use me. She said a lot more that I can't remember. I was sobbing. She prayed for me to be filled with each of the fruits of the Spirit. (Remember that this lady had NO idea what I was going through. Her words were straight from God!!!!)

I had two other ladies pray over me. They prayed for me to have clarity. They prayed for many things. God really used them. God spoke through those ladies, Colleen, the Bible, and direct whispers to me yesterday. I have learned so much in one week it is insane. This week has been so incredibly hard and painful. The depression has been terrible. But I know I must keep praying. Keep believing. Keep trusting.






Some days this week God would wake me up with beautiful words in my head,

"I am not who I was. I am being remade. I am new. I am chosen and holy. And I'm dearly loved. I am new."

I thanked the Lord for those words!! But the depression and anxiety would return later. And sometimes I would wake up with the horrible depression. It was scary. But I kept praying. Allowing it all to bring me closer to Him. Giving thanks to Him for it!!! Yesterday was the scary day where lies totally made me question everything. I let Satan in and he really took hold.

But I am so very thankful.

Today I can hear the lyrics, "So remember what I've told you. There's so much you're living for. There's a light at the end of this tunnel. For you, for you. Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel. For you, for you. So keep holdin' on. Keep holding on. Keep holding on, now..."





Thanks God!!! There is definitely light at the end of this tunnel!! And that light is faith. Faith and hope in Christ again!! Deeper faith. Deeper hope. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.

THANK YOU LORD.
God is SO MUCH greater and more powerful than Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am thankful for all I've learned.
I've learned I do want to be careful not to appear that I think I or the things that I do are better than others or what they do.
I do not want to let what others say make me beat myself up.
I do not want to worry what other people think. Only what God thinks.
I do want to stop beating myself up, because it opens the door of my heart Satan. To his lies and condemnation.
And, even though I don't even want to, I need to learn to love myself.
This doesn't mean love myself as in think I am all special and great. It doesn't mean be prideful. But it means I want to learn to love myself the same way I love my friends and family. That is something I have never done before.

God says I am worthy. Beautiful and precious.
God wants me to stop hating myself.


Thanks God. :)







"Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me



I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new



Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

To ever believe



I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new



Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there

Was no way I could change


But the One who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do



I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new



I am not who I was

I am being remade I am new

Dead to the old man I'm coming alive

I am new



Forgiven beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy this is our new name



This is who we are now..."