Friday, February 25, 2011

Depression attacks...

Depression attacks hard this morning. I am weak. Sick. Tired. Vulnerable. But none of that is new.

My mood keeps fluctuating. God keeps filling me with joy over reminders of His love, but then Satan keeps reminding me of the pain again...

It is so hard. I truly do what I do out of genuine love for everyone. I do not want or expect anything in return. But right now the enemy (Satan) keeps reminding me how much I have not been thanked for what I've done. How sad it is that after everything we did and the love we poured out, the love He poured out, these people are back in their destructive lifestyles. Back in their ruts. Too stuck to even show thankfulness for anything. It is so hard. So saddening.

It's been hard to be around the world. Around anger over stupid things like academic tests. Around a world so unhappy about minor things--when God is enough to fill us with peace and joy. I know all these thoughts are incredibly selfish and hypocritical.

I've been there. I am there. I complain about stupid things and am constantly filled with anxiety about stupid things too!! It's been hard to be filled with these selfish thoughts. But I keep praying for more patience. More compassion. More love.

Another thing Satan keeps reminding me is how alone I am. How much I constantly reach out to others, initiate conversations, listen, give of my time. And how no one does that for me. How no one is there. How awful everyone is to me.

I don't want to care about this!!!!! I actually love it. I love the fact that God is all I have because God is all I need. I don't want to want anything from anyone.

The devil keeps reminding me how sad it is that there are no earthly results of the love I've poured out. How, instead, I am treated like crap. And how no one is there when I need someone.

I never feel these things! This isn't cool! I hate it!!

I am vulnerable. Weak. Human. Sinful and selfish.

And the thoughts the devil keeps filling me with are lies.

As I am being attacked this morning, I keep going from wanting to cry to smiling over God's constant reminders of His love.

That is why I smile so much and why I am smiling or even filled with joy. I know how much the world has been horrible to me. I know how much pain my family's abusive words have brought. I know that this world is horrible!!! But I know God is GREATER. All I need is here with me. He is holding me. Carrying me. And I can't help but smile!

God had me run into my friend Colleen right at the right time this morning. Everything we said was related to what I was feeling, talked of God's goodness and the love and strength He alone fills us with. This briefly brought joy.

Depression and sadness continued to attack. I opened Psalms. God had EXACTLY what I needed to hear. (For me the enemies it is talking about in the passage refers to Satan)

Psalm 142

1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out before Him my complaint;
before Him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is You who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, LORD;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

Psalm 143

A psalm of David.

1 LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in Your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before You.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all Your works
and consider what Your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to You;
I thirst for you like a parched land.

7 Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide Your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
for I hide myself in You.
10 Teach me to do Your will,
for You are my God;
may Your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For Your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in Your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In Your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am Your servant.

...And as I walked away from class with sadness and depression and Satan still attacking me with stupid, sinful, and selfish thoughts, God filled my head with a song...

"I don't care what the world throws at me now.
It's gonna be alright!

'Cause I know my God saved the day.
And I know His Word never fails.
And I know my God made a way for me.
Salvation is here..."

God thank You for Your love and mercy. It is more than enough for me.

Thank You for carrying me through and constantly reminding me of Your GREAT love for me. I am so weak. My spirit is faint. I am selfish and sinful.

But even if no one cares about me, even in no one is here for me on earth, You are here!!! You are my refuge and my portion!

You rescue me from my pain, from this world, and from Satan. Thank You Jesus!!! You set me free!

I am filled with Your amazing peace and joy again. I am ready to face the world. And to love. To let You love through me. Fill me with compassion, patience, kindness, gentleness, humility, and love dear LORD. Take away any anger, selfishness, pride, or sinful thought. Empty me of me and fill me with You.

Thank You LORD!!!!

...The rest of the day continued to be up and down. I kept singing the song in my head as sadness and depression attacked. I was mostly just very very tired and weak. Matt stayed with me and took care of me. He is so incredibly sweet!!!!! Kaitlyn and Annalisa had a praise party with me that night that was wonderful. God was there. And He has blessed me with too many amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who are there too!!! Thank You Lord, and thank you everyone!!!!! All the lies about being alone are NOT true.

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