Lifesong.

I want my life to be an offering. An offering of praises to Your name. Honest praises from my heart. Of Your everlasting faithfulness and goodness. Of the little things You do for me every day. Of the hope I have in You. The promise I have in You. Of Your Love. Grace. And promise of Heaven. I want my lifesong to sing to You.


You ask me to die to myself. This is so hard for me. My flesh and selfish heart fight back at all times. I need You to help me do it. I need Your strength badly. But I have faith that Your strength is always more than enough to help me with all things. I want to carry my cross for You.

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased."
-Hebrews 13:15-16






"Then He called the crowd to Him along with His disciples and said, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.'"
-Mark 8:34-35

"LORD, I give my life. A Living sacrifice. To reach a world in need. To be Your hands and feet. So may the words I say. And the things I do. Make my lifesong sing. Bring a smile to You."

"Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost. Lead me to the cross. Where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees. Lord, I lay me down. Rid me of myself. I belong to You. Lead me. Lead me to the cross."

^{" 25} On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. 'Teacher,' he asked, 'what must I do to inherit eternal life?'

²⁶ 'What is written in the Law?' He replied. 'How do you read it?'

²⁷ He answered, “'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

²⁸ 'You have answered correctly,' Jesus replied. 'Do this and you will live.'"

-Luke 10:25-28

Wrapped in His grace

Today I am overwhelmed.



By His Love.


His Mercy.



His Arms.


I feel wrapped. Wrapped in Love.



...

Though anxiety keeps trying to well up inside me, keeps trying to consume and fill me,
When I think of His love and mercy, my body grows limp. My heart melts. I feel warm inside.
And I smile.




How could He, the Lord above all Lords, love me??
Love me??


...And like this???!!!







Jesus died for me.
Bled.
Broke.
Was filled with pain and unspeakable suffering.


For me.

An anxious mess.
Who messes up every day.
Who deserves death.






.. And if that wasn't enough, He still wants to pour out blessings on me every day.
Like a Father, He wraps me in His arms.
Carries me.
It is His delight to help me.
With every little thing.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the Heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. ⁴ For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love ⁵ He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will— ⁶ to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. ⁷ In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace ⁸ that He lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, ⁹ He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, ¹⁰ to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in Heaven and on earth under Christ."
-Ephesians 1:3-10

This week I have/had three very difficult psychology tests, one paper, lots of Statistics homework, and other studying to do. For me this is hard. I would rather be lying at His feet. Praying and singing. That is all I feel like doing at the moment. I feel like thanking Him. And I also have a strong desire to witness. Share His Word and Love.


But He wants to help me. Even though this trial is so tiny and unimportant compared to Him and His love, He wants me to trust Him. To let Him do the impossible.


Though I become filled with anxiety when I try to do homework and study, though I hate studying instead of talking with others about Him or going to events, He says, "Trust Me."

He wants to help me with this. I can't do it on my own, but with Him I can do all things! Even though studying is often a huge trial for me, He has been faithful before and He'll be faithful again!


...

Yesterday I was not feeling well. Anxiety tried to consume me. I was not able to focus or study. But I kept praying and listening to Christian music. I kept fighting the anxiety with prayer. Even though I couldn't study, I trusted He would help me. I trusted Him with the impossible.

Today as I woke up, got ready, and took my first test, I was overwhelmed by His great love and mercy. By His grace!!! By how much bigger His love and mercy is than anything. By how small my problems are, but by how great His love is. That He would care for me like a Father who not only wants to, but delights in, helping His daughter with all things, even silly college tests...

Taking the test, songs of praise were going through my head. Songs about His grace. I was smiling. Unbelievably filled with peace. And joy. And He helped me a lot...


Today He already placed people there for me to witness to. When I wasn't even expecting it! I was too filled with peace to care, but that's when He knew I was ready. He is brilliant. His plans are so much better than mine!! I don't know why I ever doubt. Why I ever lose trust...



His mercy is too great.
That He could forgive my selfish heart.


His faithfulness is forever.



Nothing compares to His love.

"Your love is Amazing
Steady and Unchanging
Your love is a Mountain
Firm beneath my feet

Your love is a Mystery
How You gently lift me
When I am surrounded
Your love carries me


Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Your Love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Your Love makes me sing

Your love is Surprising
I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing
Deep inside of me
And every time I see You
All Your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song
Rising up in me



Your love makes me sing
Your love makes me sing, sing, sing
Your love makes me sing"

"He looks like a cool drink of water, but he's candy coated misery..."

The other day my roommate had the TV on while I was eating breakfast. A Carrie Underwood music video for "Cowboy Casanova" was playing. This song reminds me of how immature I was last year. A year ago I listened to this song while I was trying to stop crushing on a boy. This song reminds me of that boy, my immaturity and foolishness, and of Satan!! The twisted way the enemy will often fill girls' heads with lies!

Last year, even though I was very excited to be single and focus on God, enjoying spending time with one boy kept pulling me in. At first it was for good reasons. He was a man filled with love for God, compassion for others, and interest in me. He loved talking about God. He appeared to have all the qualities I liked. Appeared "perfect." And by how extremely flirty he was being to me, it appeared he liked me too!!

Even though I didn't feel ready for a relationship and didn't really want one, it was fun to have a crush on this guy. I thought he was better than any guy I had ever met and than any guy out there. When I found out this guy did not and would never like me I was saddened, but also thankful. I was excited to be single and focus on God!!

However, this guy was still so flirty! So charming. So seemingly perfect.
And I had a dream that made me question if God actually did want us to be together.

I would be like, "No! I just want to focus on God." But then I would get pulled in by, "Oh well, I'm just going to enjoy time with him while it lasts."

Satan filled my head with lies...

"There is no one out there better than this guy."
"There is nothing wrong with hanging out with, daydreaming about, and flirting with this guy."
"Might as well enjoy time with him while it lasts."
"You won't get hurt."

I loved when he flirted with me! I loved talking to him and hanging out with him. I was so very thankful for our friendship. But I did not want to like him! I prayed hard for God to help me. For me to stop liking him. It was hard! Satan kept lying and blinding me!! Blinding me from the truth. Blinding me from what God had for me. Keeping me focused on this guy instead of God or anything else.

I am angry at Satan!!! Angry that He does this to girls!

You better take it from me. That boy is like a disease.
You run and you try and you´re trying to hide and you´re wondering why you can´t get free
He´s like a curse he´s like a drug you get addicted to his love
You wanna get out but he´s holding ya down cause you can´t live without one more touch


He´s a good time cowboy casanova leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water but he´s candy coated misery
Hes the devil in disguise a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings you don´t wanna fight you better run for your life

I see that look on your face you ain´t hearing what I say
So I say it again cause I been where ya been I and I know how it ends you can´t get away
Don´t even look in his eyes he´ll tell you nothing but lies
And you wanna believe but you won't be deceived if you listen to me and take my advice


He´s a good time cowboy casanova leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water but he´s candy coated misery
he´s the devil in disguise a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night
gives you feelings that you don´t wanna fight you better run for your life

Run run away don´t let him mess with your mind he´ll tell you anything you wanna hear
He´ll break your heart it´s just a matter of time but just remember


Hes a good time cowboy Casanova leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water but he´s candy coated misery
he´s the devil in disguise a snake with blue eyes and he only comes out at night
gives you feelings you don´t wanna fight you better run for your life

oh you better run for your life

... Satan didn't want me to get over this guy! Satan likes to keep girls blind. Blinded from God. Blinded from the fact that God is already enough. God is better than any lover we could ever hope to find on earth. God is with us constantly. God is holding us, holding our hand, painting us sunrises and sunsets across the sky, writing love letters to us through His Word and whispers, and romancing us in so many incredibly ways, unique to us.

But Satan hates that. He wants to blind us. To make us believe there is nothing better for us out there. Even when we are in abusive relationships or are crushing on a guy who we know we shoudn't be, Satan will fill us with lies.

"This is the best you will get."
"There is no one out there better."
"Better enjoy this while it lasts."
"What you're doing isn't so bad."
It's okay to daydream and listen to love songs all you want."
"You won't get hurt."
"Just listen to your heart!"




But all of this is hurtful. It blinds so many girls daily from being able to set their eyes on God. On what He has for them. Right now and in the future!! God is enough right now. And if it is in God's plan for you to get married, He is already preparing the perfect guy for you. A guy who is not going to abuse you. A guy who will cherish you and love you. Who will treat you with utmost love and respect. Who will love everything about you. Who will reflect God's love to you more than you've ever seen it reflected before.

Satan wants to rip away that hope!! That hope is not found when daydreaming or chasing after guys. That hope is found when your eyes are focused on God. When you trust Him with your future. When you are chasing Jesus, daydreaming about Him, running after His heart. When you are satisfied by God's love.

I am so filled with compassion for girls who are being fed all these lies by Satan. For girls who feel trapped. Who are blinded. By girls who are hurting. Searching. Searching for their self-worth in places other than God. I have compassion and love for them. I was there!!! Satan kept me blind for awhile too. And all I can do is pray for these girls. That one day there eyes will be opened in God's perfect timing.

Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight

Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl, girl

Let your tears touch the ground
Lay all your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl

My heart breaks for those girls. That song makes me cry. I am angry at Satan and his lies. But I am thankful that God is SO MUCH GREATER than the devil. His love conquers!!! And God wants to take away all the pain, all the hurt, all the brokenness. He sees us as perfect and new.

"For by that one offering [Jesus dying on the cross] He made forever perfect in His sight, all those whom He is making holy."
-Hebrews 10:14

God's love is what satisfies. Our hope needs to be rooted in Him and His promises.

"A Christian woman does not put her hope in her husband or in getting a husband. She does not put her hope in her looks or her intelligence or her creativity. She puts her hope in the promises of God."
-This Momentary Marriage by John Piper

In my own life, I had to fight and say "No!" to Satan's lies hard. I remember wanting to daydream and listen to love songs so bad. It was what my flesh wanted. But I kept praying. Kept choosing to romance God instead. To listen to Christian music instead. Focus on Him. Even when it was the hardest thing in the world to do!! I would force myself to read the Word and pray, even if it seemed hard. I kept setting my eyes on Him even though Satan would try to lure me back to focusing on a boy instead of God again and again. It was hard!! Satan truly does want to keep us from focusing on God and from serving Him. He wants to handicap us from serving the Lord in any way he can. We must fight back!!!

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want."
-Galatians 5:13-18

We must choose to walk by the Spirit. To turn to God instead of the world. To grow closer to Him, especially when it feels hardest.



Once my eyes were finally opened, set on God instead of the boy, satisfied by God and confident He had a better man and/or plan out there for me, I realized how foolish I had been!! How much I did not and would not ever want to marry that boy.

God answered my prayers in perfect timing. I was thankful for the entire struggle. I learned so much, and it brought me close to other girls who were going through the same thing.

If you feel stuck in something right now, don't fear. God still wants to use it for your good!! God wants to use everything for your good. Especially your mistakes. And God wants to pull you out of your mess. All it takes is our faith. Faith that God can do that. Right here and now! Faith that God is enough to satisfy. Hope in Him and Him alone.

Romans 8

Present Suffering and Future Glory

¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the One who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.

...
Once my eyes were completely set on God, and I was ready to, "Be single for a really long time and focus on God." Once I said, "I am confident He has someone out there better than I can ever imagine, but I don't need or want that any time soon. I just want to romance God!" That was when God placed Matt in my life.

I knew my beginning to like Matt was from Him. I did not want it. I did not feel ready. I did not want to be in a relationship for a really long time! I was already satisfied with God and what He had for me. But God said, "Abby trust me."

And I did... :)


God knew I was ready. He knew that in my relationship with Matt, I would be so much more focused on romancing Him than on Matt. He knew the relationship would actually help me set my eyes even more on Him. God knew our relationship would constantly bring me closer to Him, making me fall in love with Him more and more each day.

I love Matt more than anything on this earth. I feel more comfortable around him than anyone else, even than around myself! I love everything about the beautiful way he loves me. I don't deserve him at all!!!

My relationship with Matt show's me God's love in a deeper and more beautiful way than I've ever been reflected it before. It is beautiful!!! It is amazing. I am beyond blessed by God to have Matt here to reflect God's love to me until I finally am in Heaven.


...
Although my love for Matt is greater than my love for anything else on this earth, it is incredibly tiny in comparison to my love for Jesus. I don't daydream about Matt. I don't sing about Matt all day. I just can't help but daydream about, sing about, and set my eyes on Jesus. His beautiful love. When I look at Matt and when Matt does everything he does, it reminds me of Jesus. Reminds me of Jesus's love, makes me fall more in love with Matt, and makes me fall even harder for Jesus!!!

Jesus delights in everything about me!!! He is constantly with me. Holding me. Whispering in my ear, romancing me with His beauty. I can't help but be head over heels for HIM. I can't help but sing praises in my head to Jesus constantly. His love and mercy is SO GREAT. He is everything I need!!! I can't wait to marry Jesus.

I’m more than what these ashes say
They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace, through faith in Christ I’m saved
I am not the same when He looks at me

I am the rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You

My life is more than meets the eye
I’m hidden now in Christ and I’m one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me

I am the rose, I am the lily
I am Yours, I’m Your beauty

There’s gonna be a wedding,
It’s the reason that I’m living, to marry the Lamb

I’m more than what these ashes say
‘Cause they will fade away when He comes for me
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me

such a Spiritual baby

I am truly a Spiritual baby.
An infant.

Although I have read the Bible many times in my life, I do not know very much at all about God or the Bible. There is so much more to learn!! There always will be. No one can ever come close to comprehending even a little tiny bit of all of it. The beauty of God's Word is that it is a living Word. No book is more alive and relevant to each of our lives today.

Every single day, the Holy Spirit reveals more. As I pray, read the Word, and constantly question everything, I am continually humbled. Continually surprised. Continually proven wrong!!!

Every day I pray for wisdom, but I will never even understand what wisdom truly is.

And all of this is so good. :)


I apologize for all the things I constantly say, either in person or in this blog, that are wrong. Please do correct me!!

I also realize that God has different lessons for each of us that are unique and special. The Holy Spirit will reveal different things to each of us as we read the same Bible verses. I think that is the coolest thing!! So please know that the things I say and share are unique lessons for me that may or may not apply to you and your life.


God is so good!!! I am thankful that I have the ability to open His Word over and over and over again, even read the same verses over and over and over again, and each time the Holy Spirit has more for me, surprises me, convicts me, humbles me!

Thanks God. :)

"We have much to say about this, but it is hard to make it clear to you because you no longer try to understand. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."
-Hebrews 5:11-14

I am still a maturing infant. I need both solid food and milk daily. :)

I hate myself/ "That was scary" intro

This has been a very very hard and scary week. I struggled with depression and anxiety every day. Depression and anxiety are not part of God's original plan. They are a result of the fall of man and sin. The root of both of them is lack of faith. And Satan uses any lack of faith big time!

A lot of days this week I was filled with sadness for the broken. I was deeply saddened over the world's lack of faith. Sad for those who are not embracing freedom and joy in Christ. This made me realize again how much our continuous lack of faith and hope in Him must deeply sadden God.

Hearing pessimistic thoughts from people also made their pessimism spread to me. Fear, anxiety, and hopelessness filled me really bad. But when I became depressed from the depth of the world's lack of faith, hopelessness, and pain, I was humbled. God wants me to have faith!! To trust Him to take care of my friends in His perfect timing. Only He can change people's hearts. I need to trust that He is working. Trust that He is answering our prayers!!

A lot of my anxiety and depression was also due to beating myself up. This is an anxiety I am constantly prone to. And when I start beating myself up, I open the door of my heart to the devil. I let the enemy feed me lies. And I believe them. Because I was convicted by the Holy Spirit of pride earlier this week, I started beating myself up a lot every day. I should've just said, "God, I am sorry for my pride, please forgive me," and moved on, but instead I let Satan fill me with constant condemnation. It spread to me condemning myself for absolutely everything I do!!

Today as I beat myself up and was questioning everything I do, I let Satan have control to a very scary degree!! From it I learned a lot about how the enemy has been working in me...


I've learned that I hate myself. I always have. Deep down, I've always hated myself.
I constantly am looking for things wrong with me. Things to change. Things that are not pleasing to God. Things that are hurtful to others.

This has always been why I've been quick to cry. I am filled with thoughts, some true and some lies, that beat myself up. Constantly.

"I am a failure. Everything I do is hurtful to others. I am horribly selfish. I am a horrible sinner. I am a horrible daughter..."

And when something goes wrong: when a parent, friend, roommate, or teacher has confirmed my fears, when someone has said, "You are selfish, you are unloving, you appear that you think you are better than everybody else, you did that all wrong...", or when someone calls me out on a sin or something I've done that hurts them, or when I beat my own self up for sins, it is just way too much. Too much for me to handle.

I hate the fact that it is too much for me to handle! And I beat myself up for that fact too. I know I should be okay. I should NOT let what others think and say hurt me so much. I should only worry what God thinks. I know He knows my heart. But even so, after someone says something to me about something I've done wrong the words will repeat over and over and over in my head. I believe the words completely. I HATE MYSELF.

And that hatred is not from God. It's from Satan! By hating myself I allow Satan into my heart.

The lies will continue to fill me. Paralyze me. Consume me. I believe every one. "I am horrible!!! Everything I do is hurtful. I have failed. I must change. What must I change? I must change!!"

I often worry that the fact that I am filled with joy is hurtful to people. That they don't get it. That they don't get it is from God. I also worry that people think I think I am better than them. Ever since elementary school, I have dealt with the fear that people think I think I am better than them because of the way I act, live, and talk. And then someone confirms my fear by telling me, "You think you are better than everybody else." And it HURTS!!! Because I've already been worried. And I've already been beating myself up. And I've already been beating myself up for worrying. Because I know it is NOT about what people think. It's only about what God thinks. And God sees my heart.

The good thing about these fears, is they make me constantly pray for God to fill me with the Holy Spirit and faith.

Every time these fears come, I say, "No! It only matters what God thinks."And I pray hard. I give all my anxious thoughts to Him. I pray until I no longer feel anxious but am filled with faith, peace, and sometimes joy. I pray until I am filled with the Holy Spirit again. If I have done anything good or will do anything good it is Him working through the Holy Spirit, not me. That allows me to not worry at all about how my actions affect others anymore. God will work, even through my constant mistakes. And when I submit to Him in faith, He will speak, not me.

Ultimately, I am always thankful for the anxiety, because by the time I enter the world, I am ready to not care what anyone thinks except God!! I am able to be myself knowing God knows what is in my heart, even if others don't understand. :)


Even though this is the case, I have realized I still hate myself deep down. This is one of the reasons the anxiety comes back so quickly! This hatred makes me so very vulnerable to Satan. It makes me prone to beating myself up, believing Satan's lies, and letting Satan handicap me a great deal from having faith in God, from loving Him with my whole heart, soul, mind, body, and strength, and from showing others His love.

The entry below, "That was scary" shows just how much beating myself up allowed Satan into my heart. It allowed him in to a scary degree!! But it also showed God's faithfulness, POWER, and strength. God is SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL than Satan!!!

I am so thankful that even when Satan does try to trick me and fill me with lies, I am still aware that God's love is so much greater. I am still aware that God is with me. And all I want to do is pray to God and rely on His help. We can't defeat Satan on our own, but with God we have the authority!! Praying in the name of "Jesus Christ" works! God will help. He is always there. Always holding my hand. Always carrying me through even the hardest and darkest times.


... Coming out of all of this, I am filled with even deeper faith in God.

And I am ready to embrace freedom!!!
Ready to live by faith.
To say "No!" to each and every lie.

I am ready to choose faith.
Not fear. Not anxiety. Not depression.
FAITH.
HOPE.
JESUS CHRIST.

FREEDOM!!!!!

I still have many chains to break.
I am still attacked with anxiety, and I am still sinful in my thoughts and actions.
But I have the power in Christ to keep changing!!
With faith the size of a mustard seed, we have the ability to move mountains.

I still keep trying to gain control in my life.
Keep trying to put restrictions on myself.
Keep getting caught up rushing and trying to get things done.
Trying to do things my way.

But I must say no!
There is freedom in the release.
God wants me to enjoy today!
I am free to have fun!
Free to be me!!!
Free from sin and death!

Free to live joyfully for Him!!!


Thanks God!!!
Please help me to embrace this freedom and joy in You.
Help me to learn to love myself the same way I love my family and friends.
Thank You, Jesus, for Your EXTRAVAGANT love for me.

That was scary.

Last night I was filled with a weird feeling of questioning everything I do and believe. A weird kind of almost numbness toward God. It was scary!!! It was not me. Not normal at all. Not like anything I have ever felt at all. I knew it was Satan! Because I had been fed and believed the lie that "everything I do and say, the very way I live, is hurtful to others and makes them think I think I am better than them," I was questioning everything.

I was feeling that everything I did before had been wrong. Hurtful and horrible. I was angry at myself for being filled with God's joy and peace and for everything I've ever said. For all the times I've talked about God with people. I started believing I should've just let everyone do and talk about whatever they wanted. I started believing I should've played all the games people wanted to show them that I don't think there is anything wrong with playing games or not talking about God. I don't think playing games or talking about things other than God is wrong or bad at all!!! But at the same time, I was beating myself up for being myself and doing the things I enjoy. I seriously was filled with anger at myself for everything I had done in the past.

I was full of numbness toward God. I knew I was filled with lies. But I was questioning everything. I allowed everything I've done, felt, believed, learned, said, etc to be almost ripped away from me. I didn't want to believe any of it anymore if it had really hurt everyone and not shown God's love. I was so filled with questioning that I was numb toward everything I've learned or believed.

During it all, I could tell it was all lies. It was like I felt it all (all the numbness and sense of questioning), but still had a head knowledge of the truth. I still had faith it would all go away. I knew it would lead to even deeper faith. Deeper reliance on God. Deeper understanding. Deeper knowing what I believe and feel and do is true and is out of love for God and not done for any other reason. I knew it would pass, but during the time, it would not go away. It was SCARY.


While at Chi Alpha girl's night last night I starting writing down everything. Even during it all, I knew Jesus was all I needed. I knew He was all I wanted and needed, but everything was clouded.

During one of the songs I was praying hard. I was still filled with numbness and desperately wanted it to go away. And God whispered,

"I am already with you. I am already there. Isn't that enough?"

During the sermon I kept writing all the lies. Tears kept coming to my eyes. I knew I needed to go and cry and pray to God and get all of it out. But I wanted to hear the sermon, so I kept writing with tears in my eyes.

"Right now I am filled with guilt, shame, condemnation, anxiety, fear, lukewarmness, questioning, hatred and anger at myself. I am believing Satan's lies that everything I believe is a lie!!! I am filled with self-consciousness. I need to trust that everything from the past was from God and if not that He will use it!!!

I do need to listen to a friend's words of advice that I can't be going around blaming Satan for things in other people! But I can't keep worrying that I've hurt everybody. I can't keep worrying about what everybody thinks about my passion for God and desire to spend time with Him and talk about Him.

I do not want to show irritation toward others' actions, but I don't want to keep condemning myself or every single thought, action, word, and move. They have been from God. The sorrow has been from God. I can't let a few words from friends make me so filled with condemnation. I need to trust that God sees my heart. He knows. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks!!

I do want to be really careful what I say or do, but I want to have faith God will work and talk. Not me. God did work and talk and is using all of it, even my mistakes, for good.

I do want to be slower to speak and more inviting. But I need to stop hating myself. Start loving myself.
(Hardest things I've ever asked myself to do!!!!! Saying the word makes tears come to my eyes. My whole life I have NOT ever wanted to or have loved myself. I've always hated myself. Even saying the words 'I should love myself' makes me angry because I DO NOT want to. I don't believe I should because I am so horrible!!!)
I need to start loving myself and start being overwhelmed by God's AMAZING love and forgiveness for me.

I feel like I can't handle any criticism from others. I need to learn to be thankful for it and to still forgive and love myself when I hear it. I don't want to put who anyone else wants me to be over who God wants me to be. I need to realize that every time anyone criticizes me, I need to forgive and love myself. Otherwise Satan will take hold like crazy. It hurts me so much to displease those closest to me and God and others. But especially to hurt my family or those closest to me. These thoughts need to change. I need to put pleasing God ahead of pleasing others.

I am truly believing that everything I've done in the past has been wrong. That I've hurt everybody instead of helped. That I've constantly thought or appeared to have thought that I'm better than others and that what I do is better than what others do. This isn't even true. I do NOT think what I do is better. The only thing good in me is Jesus. He is all I want to boast of.

I'm questioning if my worries about and words to others have been wrong. I'm questioning everything I've believed is wrong. I'm questioning why I've believed songs. I'm questioning EVERYTHING. I've never questioned any of these things before. I've believed, known, felt, and been passionate. But now I'm worried. About the past and the future. I know I just need to trust God and stop beating myself up for every word. All the things I've felt, believed, and lived coincide with Bible verses and they were NOT from me but from God. But now I'm questioning EVERYTHING. Why? It has to be Satan!!! But I don't even get this... why is this happening?"

While writing down all these thoughts and lies, I was still listening to the sermon and to the things being said. When the verse was brought up,

"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
-Psalm 37:4

I was thinking and praying honestly to God. "The only desire in my heart is You Jesus. Just to be with You Jesus. Just You Jesus. You Jesus. You Jesus."

But I was still filled with all the thoughts and lies that I kept writing down. At the end of the sermon, the speaker broke down. She said ladies were getting ready to pray for us. She said God had told her there is someone in the room who is seriously filled with Satan's lies. Who is seriously wounded. Wounded from her relationship with their dad. Wounded from her relationships with people. Wounded from abusive words and Satan's lies. She said she was crying because God had shown her this and God had shown her how precious whoever is struggling with all of this is to Him...

She kept saying more, but as she was talking I started crying uncontrollably. Loudly. Shaking uncontrollably and crying hard and loud. Almost unable to breath. I tried to stay there to hear all that she was saying. And I knew I really wanted to be prayed for. But finally I couldn't take it. I had to walk quickly to the bathroom. I was crying hard and loud. Gasping for breath. Coughing.
I went back desperate and excited for prayer. I just couldn't take all the numb and lukewarm feelings. I couldn't take any of it! I wanted to be back to myself!!

Once I got to the first lady who prayed over me. I was crying too much to be able to explain what I needed prayer for. She took me in her arms and said, "It's okay. Just let me pray for you." I really wish what she said had been recorded or written down!! It was prophesy that was strait from God and true. I can't remember all of what she said, but this is a little of what I remember. She said God wants me to know I am worthy and precious.

(I do NOT believe I am worthy. And that is actually something my friend Colleen had told me that morning. That she has learned she needs to learn to love herself and believe she is worthy. The Holy Spirit was truly talking through Colleen to me in an amazing conversation. She talked about many things!! And ironically I later realized more and more through out the day how much I had been struggling with all those things and had really needed to hear them all from her right then.)

The lady said God is still here and with me. His Word and everything I've believed is still true and right. That I have allowed Satan in and have allowed him to take hold. I have believed the lies of the enemy and that I am unworthy. But God says I am worthy. He has plans for me. I don't need to live by fear. He will command my feet and lead me. He sees me as a precious daughter. He wants to use me. She said a lot more that I can't remember. I was sobbing. She prayed for me to be filled with each of the fruits of the Spirit. (Remember that this lady had NO idea what I was going through. Her words were straight from God!!!!)

I had two other ladies pray over me. They prayed for me to have clarity. They prayed for many things. God really used them. God spoke through those ladies, Colleen, the Bible, and direct whispers to me yesterday. I have learned so much in one week it is insane. This week has been so incredibly hard and painful. The depression has been terrible. But I know I must keep praying. Keep believing. Keep trusting.






Some days this week God would wake me up with beautiful words in my head,

"I am not who I was. I am being remade. I am new. I am chosen and holy. And I'm dearly loved. I am new."

I thanked the Lord for those words!! But the depression and anxiety would return later. And sometimes I would wake up with the horrible depression. It was scary. But I kept praying. Allowing it all to bring me closer to Him. Giving thanks to Him for it!!! Yesterday was the scary day where lies totally made me question everything. I let Satan in and he really took hold.

But I am so very thankful.

Today I can hear the lyrics, "So remember what I've told you. There's so much you're living for. There's a light at the end of this tunnel. For you, for you. Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel. For you, for you. So keep holdin' on. Keep holding on. Keep holding on, now..."





Thanks God!!! There is definitely light at the end of this tunnel!! And that light is faith. Faith and hope in Christ again!! Deeper faith. Deeper hope. Deeper peace. Deeper joy.

THANK YOU LORD.
God is SO MUCH greater and more powerful than Satan!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am thankful for all I've learned.
I've learned I do want to be careful not to appear that I think I or the things that I do are better than others or what they do.
I do not want to let what others say make me beat myself up.
I do not want to worry what other people think. Only what God thinks.
I do want to stop beating myself up, because it opens the door of my heart Satan. To his lies and condemnation.
And, even though I don't even want to, I need to learn to love myself.
This doesn't mean love myself as in think I am all special and great. It doesn't mean be prideful. But it means I want to learn to love myself the same way I love my friends and family. That is something I have never done before.

God says I am worthy. Beautiful and precious.
God wants me to stop hating myself.


Thanks God. :)







"Now I won't deny

The worst you could say about me

But I'm not defined

By mistakes that I've made

Because God says of me



I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new



Who I thought I was

And who I thought I had to be

I had to give them both up

Cause neither were willing

To ever believe



I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new



Too long I have lived

In the shadows of shame

Believing that there

Was no way I could change


But the One who is making everything new

Doesn't see me the way that I do

He doesn't see me the way that I do



I am not who I was

I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy

And I'm dearly loved

I am new



I am not who I was

I am being remade I am new

Dead to the old man I'm coming alive

I am new



Forgiven beloved

Hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy

Reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy this is our new name



This is who we are now..."

I need Him.

I'm not alright.
I'm seriously broken inside.
Filled with sadness that I just can't shake off.
Depression.
Hurt and pain.

...But I am thankful. It's in this horrible, uncomfortable, scary place where the need becomes deeper. Bigger. Wider.

I NEED HELP.
I need to be held.
I need to be whispered, "It's okay. Everything is going to be alright. God's love is GREATER. You have Heaven to look forward to. It's okay. God is good. God is with you. God is holding you."

I need what this world can NOT give.
I need JESUS.
His beautiful whisper,

"It's okay. Do not fear. I love you. You are beautiful to Me. I am everything you need. I will protect you."

Thank You Jesus.
Thank You for answering my prayer.
For bringing me to my weakness so that You are all I have to cling to.
Thank You for moving me closer and closer to You.

Even if this is incredibly painful, I am safe in Your arms.

"Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"

What my own hands have done

The Lord has been answering my prayers that I would not feel irritation or anger toward other Christians. That I would feel only compassion, love, and patience toward them when they repeatedly struggle to find their comfort from God or when they repeatedly dig themselves into the same holes. I could still use lots of prayer for this, but I can see God is answering the prayers more and more each day.

Lately I've still been saddened by sin. Saddened by the world. Saddened when we turn to this world instead of God. When we let our desires or anxieties become more important than God's love and forgiveness, but God continues to humble me.

I realize more and more how sinful I am. How hypocritical I am. How much I myself struggle with all the SAME things! Or things no better or worse!!! And I look at those who are lost with compassion. That could be me!!

I am no better. No less sinful. The only huge difference is that, because I have Jesus Christ and am continually repenting of my sins, when God looks at me He sees Jesus Christ. He doesn't see my sin. But sees perfection. I DON'T DESERVE THIS AT ALL. But it is the free gift God graciously pours out to me just because I have faith. ... Anyway, God has been filling me with more compassion for the world. I am so thankful. and still need His help.

God is also filling me with more patience, compassion, understanding, and love for other Christians. This is something I've realized I really need His help with and need prayer for.

Last night I was filled with compassion and love for some struggling friends. Pictures of their sad faces and their sin kept flashing through my head. I was filled with sadness, love, and compassion. ...Lots of sadness. But then God humbled me even farther. He reminded me again of the filthy place my own hands have been. My own ugly sin kept replaying in my mind. Filling me with disgust. Sadness. Humility. Compassion. Understanding. And love.

There is no sin more disgusting or saddening than what my own hands have done.

Thank You God for opening my eyes.

Burn away the pride

I feel deeply saddened. I have been blind for so long. Blind to how much I have been living with a horrible, deadly sin. Blind to how many areas of my life I have allowed this sin to enter. Blind to how much I have let this sin affect how I think, what I say, and how I act...

Yesterday I went to a prayer/worship event. I was surrounded by elders. People overflowing with PASSION for Jesus. People filled with, even drunk from the Spirit. People filled with shouts for the Lord, prophesy, words from Him, people letting the Spirit control their every limb. It was intense. Something words can't describe.

God was working there. A lot. A lot more than I can comprehend. And He was working everywhere on behalf of the prayers prayed to Him from that place.

Lately the Lord has been slowly bringing to my awareness something very painful. Something that's been so hard for me to see: my pride. And yesterday in that room where the Holy Spirit was ever so present, the Lord opened my eyes.

I am so very very very very prideful. It is disgusting. And I am continuing to realize, as I am now seeing clearly, no longer as blind as before, just how many areas I have allowed this pride to enter. So many areas!!!

This conviction is very very painful. I am deeply saddened over how much I have hurt others and mostly how much I have hurt God with this sin!!! But I thank the Lord from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes. Filling me with conviction, pain, sadness, and mostly more compassion and love for all.

Thank You God.

"Burn away the pride. Bring me to my weakness. 'Til everything I hide behind is gone. And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to, only You are there to lead me on. 'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong..."

complete.

"Tonight" by Rush of Fools







I'm so aware of what I deserve
I should be drowning in the Red Sea tonight
But so aware of what You impart
I'm only drowning in Your love tonight
I'm only drowning in Your love

'Cause You give when You should take away
And You take what should have been my pain
And You offer good when I've none in me
You're the only love that makes me complete

You draw me closer than the air
You wipe away all my despair tonight
You pull me out to where You are
Until I'm drowning in Your love tonight
I'm only drowning in Your love

'Cause You give when You should take away
And You take what should have been my pain
And You offer good when I've none in me
You're the only love that makes me complete

Make me complete

'Cause You give when You should take away
And You take what should have been my pain
And You offer good when I've none in me
You're the only love that makes me complete

a fire deep within

"I'm thirsty, God, I'm thirsty.
From drinking what destroys me.
I'm pouring poison in my cup.

I'm hungry, God, I'm hungry.
Consuming what controls me.
Somehow it never fills me up.

We all want to find something to pass the time,
but that could never be enough.

Everybody says we're all so different,
but everybody knows we're all the same.
We're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain.
Something's got to change.

Do you remember when you
had so much hope within you?
It lingers deep inside you still.

The more of us we swallow,
the more we become hollow.
Until we don't know how to feel.

We all want to find something to satisfy,
but we could never be enough.

When everything we say and take just leads to war and hate,
we only pass the blame, sedate the pain, and move along.

But something feels so wrong, so deep inside, so hard to hide.
So desperately we try and try, and come to find that we are not what we've been loving for.

I can't believe I"m hearing people say that all is well.
I think it's time we all admit we have no good within ourselves.
'Cause we are not okay, we're not alright, and we need to pray for help.
Forgive us for our pride, Oh God, Oh God, please save us from ourselves."

-"Something's Got To Change" by Josh Wilson

We are all so broken.
With a hole only Christ can fill.
We are all the same.
All lost apart from His love.


We need each other.
We need prayer.

...

People are more broken today than ever in history.
More lost. More dead inside than ever before.
The world is more ready for a Savior than ever before.
People are seriously ready to hear His Word!!!

Our time makes a difference.
Sharing and showing His love makes a difference.
Sharing His Word makes a difference.
Our prayers make a difference.

The world is broken. Desperate. READY for Him.

God is creating a new fire within me.
A deep compassion and love for the lost.
And a burning desire in my heart to do something about it.

thank You God for depression

When I feel too tired to do anything, tired and weak and sick to the point where all I want is the sleep that my body won't agree to, this is when depression often attacks. I feel tired, unhappy that I can't be there for people, unhappy that I feel too weak to talk, type, text, do homework, or do much of anything besides rest. I feel scared. And I just want to sleep, but I can't...

It's hard and scary, but God is there. And I always grow closer to God through these times.

This time was different. Friday night I went to bed crying, feeling wounded. Feeling alone. Not alone from God, but alone in this world. Misunderstood. Unloved. Deeply hurt.

Saturday I woke up crying and deeply pained over the same thing. After all the nights of four to six hours of sleep (or of complete insomnia), going to bed after 4am and feeling this pain was just enough to pull me over and make me sick. I stayed in bed almost all day yesterday resting and sleeping. I felt bad for not being able to meet up with people I was planning to hang out with, but I couldn't do anything. It was only by God's strength that I had been so full of energy every other day!!! It was insane!! I should've been sick way sooner, but God really filled me with joy in order to keep me going and fill me with energy every day.

Once I finally got up and took a shower, Christian songs I have heard over and over again played from the radio. They hit me even harder. The words moved me and touched me, even deeper into my heart than ever before. These are words that come from mostly from Bible verses. Just the same way I can read the same passages in the Bible again and again, and God always shows me something more, reveals more, touches me even deeper within, all the comforting words about God and God's love in these songs were even more meaningful than the day before. I was like, "Wow, God! Thank you for this depression!!"

...And I had been feeling irritation and frustration toward others who feel like God is far away. Who feel like God has abandoned them. I had been frustrated with people who just couldn't see that God is everything we need. Who keep getting stuck in the same ruts again and again, and who keep not turning to God for Comfort, Strength, and Hope. I had been unable to understand a lot of the pain and thoughts my friends were feeling...

And I didn't want that!!! I only wanted compassion, patience, and love. But it was hard. I just couldn't understand them. Now, I feel like from all of this God answered my prayers. He has filled me with compassion, understanding, patience, and love for these people. I am sure I will still struggle to understand and will have to fight past any irritation that tries to attack, but I am so thankful for this deeper love and compassion for all that God has filled me with. I really needed to be humbled like this, badly.

Thank You Lord!!!




This morning when I turned on Pandora a beautiful song came on that I can really relate to. "You Rescue Me" by Salvador. I can't find it on youtube, but here are the lyrics...

"Something in the motion of my history
Like a desert highway flying under me
All these guilty wounds that cannot be redeemed
By time, by time

Aching in a place that only I can see
Tears have a way of catching up to me
All it ever takes is a glimpse of something free
Like birds in flight

So I'm giving up on clarity
Cause I want to trust where I cannot see and


You rescue me, You hear my cry
You shelter me through the night
And You are my strength when I am in need
You are my God, You rescue me

Caught between the ocean and eternity
Broken by the weight of my attempts to be
Everything that everyone expects of me
This time, and every time

So I'm giving up on my righteousness
Cause grace, alone, will give me rest cause

You rescue me, You hear my cry
You shelter me through the night
And You are my strength when I am in need
You are my God, You rescue me"

...And today the song that keeps going through my head, "Everything I need" by Kutless. This was the first song that played when I finally turned on the radio yesterday.

"When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me.

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in me time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in me time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in me time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need."

2 Corinthians 12

Paul’s Vision and His Thorn

¹ I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. ² I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. ³ And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— ⁴ was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. ⁵ I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

holding on; love I don't deserve.

"If I could not hold a pen,
I would write of You on my heart instead.
You have bought me with Your blood,
And I am painted red by Your love.


Ooh …


If I could not say a word,
My life would speak of love I don’t deserve.



Hope means holding on to You.
Grace means You’re holding me too.

Ooh …"

-"Painted Red" by JJ Heller