I don't deserve this.

Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me even though I am a horrible sinner. Even though I am completely deserving of Hell, you sent Jesus to die for my sins. You give me the gifts I could never deserve of Your forgiveness and love, and best of all, You promise me eternal life with You in Heaven.

How can I ever thank You enough?!!!

Thanks God.

One of the main anxieties I have is how I will spend my time. I have a lot more free time now than I ever have in the past, which is amazing and awesome!! But it stresses me every day. I want to spend all of my time for God. I want to love and help others as much as possible. But how??! So each morning I start in prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. Until I feel at peace about giving God the day. I pray that He will take away me and my selfishness and fill me with Him and His love. And I go out ready to see what He has in store for me.

The amazing thing is, He really does place person after person in front of me each and every day!! It is amazing!!! Listening to and helping people and loving people brings me so much joy, and God really will place the people in front of me if I just give each day to Him and don't worry about planning things myself so much.

Thanks God. :)

new JOY

Aug 8, 2010

Almost all of the entries in here illustrate a little bit of the anxiety that gripped my life for at least seven years. Today if you were to ask me, "How are you doing today?" I would no longer say "Good," while knowing in my head that I am really an anxious mess. Instead I would boldly and truthfully tell you, "I'm doing really well!! Just really full of God's joy and peace."

How did this incredible change take place? Well, I think God had to bring me to rock bottom after rock bottom in order to keep me on my knees, begging for help. The struggle that was the most humiliating and horrifying and that made me both angry at and scared of myself, would turn into the biggest blessing in disguise I have ever been given. That struggle was emotional eating.

While I would love to dive right into talking about my struggle with emotional eating, I am going to save that for another post. First I want to briefly explain how I ended up so anxious in the first place.

Ever since I was young I have had a few deep rooted desires. One of them is to be good. To obey God's commands, never sin, and be righteous. To please my parents, follow their rules, and do well in school. While these desires may seem wonderful, they consistently brought me to tears instead of filling me with joy.

Another desire is to please people. To be a good friend, daughter, and grand-daughter. To always be kind and loving. To not hurt anyone by anything I say or do. This desire just left me feeling like a failure. A worried, stressed, horrible failure.

The desire that I've tried to run away from and hide, that has made me most angry at myself for desiring it, and that still tries to haunt me if I'm not careful is the desire to feel beautiful. I HATE that desire. But it constantly pulls at me, probably harder than any other worry.

Another desire I have is to be really good at what I do. Perfectionism. HATE it. Writing this post has caused me a great deal of stress and has even made me emotional eat for the first time in months!! (BUT I am thankful for that wonderful blessing in disguise once again, and I will tell you why soon enough.) Being a perfectionist is horrible. It causes me to get very angry at myself for spending so much time on every little thing and for always hating the results once I finally finish.

In the posts to come I will go into detail about how each of these desires really ate away at my life. My mind became a horrible, confused bundle of worries as all these desires fought against each other to win my time and focus. It took hitting rock bottom day after day, to really force me to let go of each desire. I still have to let go every day and put each of these desires, and my entire life, into God's hands instead of my own.

Giving everything to God again and again is now what fills me with incredible joy and peace. I have confidence that God used every single struggle I went through and am still going through in order to make me determined to be filled with the very opposite of anxiety and anger. To instead be filled with the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. I am constantly praying to God to fill me with fruits of the Spirit, and He really has answered my prayers in amazing ways every day!!

Today was the first day I have struggled with emotional eating again in a very very long time. Even though I have been reminded how horrible that struggle is. How absolutely humiliating it is. How angry at myself it makes me feel!! How I feel like I HAVE to give in or there is no other way to go on. How I feel like I wish I could just push a restart button and restart the day... Even though I am feeling all those feelings immensely, I am THANKFUL this happened today. I have really been filled with compassion and humility once again. This emotional eating struggle has been the biggest blessing in disguise because it has forced me to give EVERYTHING to God. It makes me realize I am a sinner, completely undeserving of God's grace. It makes His grace BEAUTIFUL and His love AMAZING. He forgives me for emotional eating and for all my sins day after day, even though I deserve to go to Hell. He saved me from that. WOW!!!! I can't even begin to fathom the depth of God's love for me. Thinking about this and realizing this is really what begins to fill me with joy. As I give God everything--all my desires and worries, each day, each minute, each breath, as I give these to God I am filled with His joy. The joy that comes from knowing God loves me, God forgives me, God died for me. The joy that comes from desiring Him. Desiring to know Him more, to love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. And the joy that comes from knowing that God is the only One who will ever satisfy me. No person, thing, passion, or desire will ever truly satisfy me but God. This is where my incredible joy comes from!! And if struggling with emotional eating reminds me of all these things, then the struggle is truly a blessing!

Another reason I am thankful I struggled with emotional eating again today is because I feel refilled with compassion and humility. This struggle has taught me to relate to everybody. All of our struggles and sins are similar. Whether we are addicted to drugs or alcohol, whether we are struggling with lust or anger, whether we are struggling with eating disorders or body image issues, whatever it is, we are all sinning just the same and we all need God to satisfy us in the ways that these worldly sins and desires can never satisfy us. It used to be hard for me to relate to certain sins and struggles, such as drug or alcohol addiction or lust, but now I can really see how equal all of our struggles are. This fills me with compassion and humility. With the desire to love others and to share God's AMAZING grace, love, and Truth with them.

I also know I must give my deepest fears and worries to God. Especially my worry about being beautiful. Struggling with emotional eating, and having more fat on my body than I ever had in the past, made me really give my body image struggle to God. Someone close to me was telling me I looked fat and pregnant, but I knew my true Father and Best Friend still loved me and thought I was beautiful, even if others didn't. It really helped me think of God as my true Father and Best Friendand to know that I already satisfy Him even if I will never satisfy my earthly friends and family. It will never satisfy me to worry so much about pleasing anyone on this earth, but it satisfies me to think about how much God loves me!!! I gave all my fears about body image to God day after day and tried to focus on the importance of inner beauty. It was incredibly scary to go to dance class and feel like I went from being the skinniest person there to the fattest person there. I had to give all my worries about what people thought about me to God day after day. It gave me joy to really find my courage and strength from Him. I also felt like I my passion for God and joy and confidence was possibly inspiring to the other girls, and that I could be a good example of someone who wasn't stick thin.

During all of this, I often became bitter about outer appearance, often thought of myself as fat and definitely not beautiful, and always kept my focus on what I know matters most: inner beauty. However, as I continued to give this struggle to God day after day, God used many different ways to open my eyes to the fact that He created me. And because of that He really does think I am beautiful on the inside AND outside. This realization surprised me and changed my perspective on outer beauty. I now understand being beautiful from the inside out is good. God really did create ALL of us beautifully, even myself. I have always easily been able to look at every other person on the planet and see how beautiful God created them, but when I look in the mirror I feel ugly. It still happens every day, but once I pray and look back at myself with Christ-like love and Christ-like forgiveness of my flaws, I can finally see a beautiful face staring back.

Although it may be humiliating and horrifying, it may make me very angry at and scared of myself, and although I do hope I never struggle with it again, I will always be very thankful that I struggled with emotional eating. It has truly been an incredible blessing in disguise. Constantly giving everything to God and constantly thinking about how AMAZING His forgiveness and love are fill with more joy, peace, compassion, humility, and love than ever before!!

thankful for yearbook?!

Aug 6, 2010

Yesterday as I was going through a box of old papers, I found the journal entry I put in here titled "typical day of senior year." While everything I wrote about in that entry might sound tough and painful, I am so incredibly thankful for everything I've ever gone through. Today I've been been thinking about how thankful I am for everything I went through during those crazy yearbook years!!

I remember coming in as the very shy and quiet, but yet very determined, little sophomore I was. I was the only person who had never been on staff before, but I was in the intro class the year before. The people in the intro class are allowed to go to the spring conventions and take part in the "Journalist in Action" competitions. Since I had won the photography competition against the people already on staff, I was given the roles of photographer and assistant photo-editor right away.

Stepping out into the big gymnasium with the words, "Don't be afraid to get in people's faces" ringing in my ears, I was freaked out. But I did it. The whole entire school was there, but I secretly pretended no one could see me! As everyone chanted class cheers as loud as they could, I put all my energy into getting close, turning my head sideways, squatting down, standing on my tiptoes, etc. in order to get the perfect photograph. The whole room was my command. I could walk anywhere--up and down the bleachers and even in the middle of the floor. I learned to love eating competitions best. I was the only person who got such a great view, as I lay on the ground with my camera up to the principal's pie-covered face. I don't think anyone else in the whole school enjoyed pep rallies as much as I did! And after making a fool of myself in front of the whole school like that, I could do anything...right?!

Friday night at the big Homecoming game, I was sore from holding a big camera and lens almost non-stop that entire week, but I was so excited and in my element!! I will never forget forcing myself to go up to Broc Bellmore, the huge star football player and Homecoming king, and asking him if I could photograph his face. Him and I stood alone in the middle of the football field. I forced myself to get right up close to his face as I could hear girls cheering at me from the bleachers, "Go Abby!!" Looking at the cover of the 2007 yearbook will always remind me of that exciting and comfort zone challenging night.

The most challenging experiences on yearbook staff probably all took place during senior year when I was the Editor-and-Chief. Every day was a challenge as the girls fought my ideas and fought me. We all agree that for a few months it was basically "Abby against the yearbook staff." I came in so excited for change and filled with new ideas, but all the girls shot every one of them down. They sat there doodling on their papers, very excited to loudly express their unwillingness to consider any of my ideas and very excited to talk about all their experiences with drugs and alcohol. I could've easily dictated that we use my ideas because I was the one in charge, but instead I was determined to make it a book by the entire staff.

As the girls continued to criticize me day after day and make every mean and rude comment that I don't even want to remember, I went along with their ideas and designs. I learned to shower the girls with positive feedback and compliments. At the same time, I was always honest and had to tell them quite often when they needed to step it up and start meeting their deadlines. A lot of that year is a crazy blur of stress and meltdowns. I constantly felt like I had the entire weight of the yearbook on my shoulders, and it never came off my shoulders until the middle of July 2009 when we finally sent in the last pages. I know somewhere in the middle of the crazy year, I gained my staffs' respect, which was really surprising. I still forget and am scared when I run into them, but they are all so nice to me. It surprises me every time!! When I was looking through that box of papers last night, I also found an award I made for one of the girls. Ha, I made everyone awards for the end of the year with very kind and sincere messages on the back. I can't even believe I did that... but I obviously learned countless valuable leadership skills through out that year, with out even realizing it at the time!

You might be sitting here thinking, "Wait, why so much stress over a stupid yearbook?!" Well, you are right. I now laugh at how much stress we all had about one stupid book, BUT at West Fargo publications are taken SERIOUSLY. I haven't thrown away a single school newspaper from all four years of high school because I like them so much! The newspaper and yearbook staffs are dedicated. It is their life. We were there until midnight many days through out the school year. Every thought that went through my mind, no matter where I was, was always about the yearbook and how it could be bettered. I was constantly missing class or late for class, and my teachers weren't happy. But if there was an awesome photo assignment, I wanted to take it. I did anything and everything for that silly book. I now don't even want to look at the thing because I have so many bad memories and emotions associated with it. Ha. But those emotions are now being replaced by thankfulness!

We incorporated many elements into our 2009 yearbook theme of "Not So Ordinary." We had a few quotes and random facts on every page, a long with a few "candids" (unposed photographs of people). Every day I had to go around the school and knock on classroom doors to interrupt a teacher and ask for a certain student (who I had often never talked to before!) Then I had to photograph them and ask them questions. I also had to constantly interview people, from random people in the cafeteria to the superintendent. I was everywhere!!!! Expect in my comfort zone...

Today I have realized how much this has helped me. I find it exciting to walk into new places or events alone. I am able to introduce myself to anyone and ask them questions about themselves. I enjoy asking my friends deep questions constantly like, "What has God been doing in your life lately?" I'm also not afraid to tell people the truth or to say what needs to be said. If I am afraid of a situation or of saying something, I pray first and mainly get all my strength from God, but I also think about all my yearbook experiences. If I could do it then, I can do it now!!

Beautiful, Beautiful

I feel like the song "Beautiful, Beautiful" by Francesca Battistelli speaks strait from my heart to God.



Dont know how it is,
You looked at me...
And saw the person that I could be.
Awakening my heart,
Breaking through the dark;
Suddenly, Your grace...

Like sunlight burning at midnight,
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful...
Mercy reaching to save me...
All that I need.
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful...

Now there's a joy inside I cant contain...
But even perfect days can end in rain.
And through its pouring down,
I see You through the clouds...
Shining on my face...

Like sunlight burning at midnight,
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful...
Mercy reaching to save me...
All that I need.
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful...

I have come undone,
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace!

Like sunlight burning at midnight,
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful...
Mercy reaching to save me...
All that I need.
You are so beautiful...

who I am hates who I've been

I am still feeling really sad and angry at myself for how I messed up last night. I keep playing "Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K over and over. I did learn from my mistakes, and I am going to try with all my mite not to mess up or stress like that around my family again. I know I can do it with God's help. I am glad I haven't messed up like that for a VERY long time, and I know I will make sure not to do it again.



I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.


I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

selfish mess up

June 22, 2010

"I messed up today.

I was driving to go photograph an event, and I realized how much I was DREADING it SO much. I already am SO behind on photos (and I want to get a lot done before I come to the cities, so I am skipping Chi Alpha and swing dance and working on them tonight) and I just don't have the heart for this job anymore!!! I am such an all or nothing person that I just want to truthfully tell my boss how I feel so badly! I can't stand halfheartedly doing my work!! I know there are so many people who would love this job, and I REALLY don't want it anymore. Even saying it, I feel stupid. This is one of the best, most fun jobs out there--but I feel like who ever is doing it should be passionate about it and I'm NOT. I want to be working at a Bible camp so badly right now!! I know God didn't want that this summer, because my job has allowed me to stay in touch with people, but STILL. Tonight I just REALLY realized how much I want to be helping people instead of doing photojournalism work!!

While driving I was praying like crazy for God to help me find joy in my work. Lots of good songs came on the radio including "Open the eyes of my heart Lord." I tried to relate that song to taking photographs of everything that God has created beautifully. It sadly didn't motivate me though...

I got to the place and just did not want to get in there and take pictures!! I didn't want to ask people for signatures. I didn't even want to be there AT ALL. I was scared and stressed. I finally got to the point where I called Sheila*, knowing full well she would not be happy with me. Haha, she wasn't. She told me to SUCK IT UP. That I can't keep being a quitter, that I can't make such a bad reputation for myself, that no one else likes their job, etc.

I just feel like this is a job someone NEEDS to be passionate about. I feel horrible for not being passionate about it. I was when I signed up for it, but not now. I finally went out and halfheartedly took photos.

Driving home I was very annoyed with myself for feeling so unhappy about doing this job. I half felt God's love, joy, and peace inside me and half felt stress and anger at myself. When I got home I ate supper while reading the Bible, and I was stressed about wanting to get to work quickly on photos. My mom was trying to talk to me, and I was semi-ignoring her, which was not nice at all. Then my sister asked if she could use the computer in the basement, and I was like "I NEED to be down there the whole night!! I tried to tell mom I was coming back home, so she would have you be down there while I wasn't home." They got mad at me for not allowing her an hour of time down there, and I got very stressed and angry at them (and at myself for not being loving enough to let her have the hour). We kept arguing in anger, and finally my sister was like "fine, I won't use it." This was around the time when I was like, "Fine, you CAN use it." But she was like "No! Not after you were all like that."

Then I started down stairs, but I was so filled with anger (at myself and at them for not understanding me) that I ran around in a circle and ran right back up and started yelling at them that, "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW!!! I WANT TO BE HELPING PEOPLE, GOING TO CHI ALPHA, HANGING OUT WITH YOU GUYS!! THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE!! AND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I'VE CHANGED. THAT I AM ONLY THIS HORRIBLE, STRESSED, AND SELF-CENTERED PERSON AT HOME! UGH. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING LIKE THIS. I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO USE THE COMPUTER, BUT I ONLY HAVE TONIGHT TO WORK ON THESE. I WISH IT WASN'T LIKE THIS AT ALL. I HATE THIS!!"

Sorry for typing all in caps. I was hysterical though. And I feel HORRIBLE for it!! I don't want to be like that anymore!! I don't want my family to see me as stressed anymore!! And they did. It was not good. I have sinned, and I feel horrible.

But I feel better after writing this. I am asking God for forgiveness and am going to ask my sister and mom for it as well. I know I don't deserve it, and they will never believe I've changed after this.

Bah..."

June 23, 2010

"I apologized to my family, and I prayed to God a ton last night. The thing is I still feel very sad that I acted that way. I still feel stressed too. I woke up extremely exhausted. I feel like I barely have enough energy to walk around or function, but I am trying to fight it the best I can.

I really scared myself by acting this way. It scares me that I will be prone to stressing out and breaking down forever. It also scares me a little bit that my all-or-nothingness will hurt me in the future.

I have realized a lot though. I am glad I have this job this summer. It has really shown me that my passion really HAS changed, and that excites me!! While I was taking photos at the event, I was just watching all the happy families there with their kids, and I was like "I want that!! I don't want to be the stressed out photographer anymore." This is seriously amazing!!! So much of my life I thought I would always be the determined dancer or photographer, living on my own, probably with out a family. Now I am so passionate about just being a loving person, and wife and mother someday, it isn't even funny!! (I guess deep down I think a part of me always wanted it, but I didn't know how to leave all my work behind.) God has REALLY changed my heart, and I am so filled with joy about this.

I am also glad this breakdown happened last night, because I DID learn from it. And I do plan to try my best to never let it happen again!!! I know that most of the time I never expect anything to go as planned anymore, but I still expected my plans to edit photos in the basement to work out--next time I just need to plan for my plans not to work and need to not get so focused on what I want to do.

All of the stress I was feeling last night was based on still having SO many photos to edit. I guess I am glad that I haven't been feeling very stressed at all about this until last night!! I would definitely choose having one horribly stressed evening over being stressed all the time. I am really glad I haven't been spending all my time on photos. I know all my time has been well spent. I also know I WILL get everything done eventually. I just need to lower my expectations for myself. I also need to learn how to do weddings way more efficiently and quickly if I ever want to do them again (which I really do)... I WILL learn.

I really really hope and pray that I don't break down like that again. I wasn't crying or wasn't as bad as I could've been, but still. I want to stay calm and loving all the time."

personality counts, not appearance

May 12, 2010

"Tonight when a friend brought up how he loses a little bit of respect for people when he hears them referring to people as hott or good looking, I was quick to agree. I felt bad for speaking so quickly, but thinking about it more, I still stand extremely firm to my agreement with his statement!

I sincerely do not like to base feelings for the opposite sex upon looks. Examples of how I react to different situations will best illustrate how I feel...

Tonight while driving away from swing dancing I said, "And so many people who swing dance are Christians!!"
A friend said, "Ya, the guy I danced with went to this awesome Christian retreat."
I said: "I danced with a guy who is working at a Bible camp all summer!"

I immediately felt bad after saying that. I felt like we were putting guys on a "likable list" right after meeting them, and that is something I do not like at all! I hate the thought of liking someone before I really understand that their heart is completely for God. (Usually this takes me a very very long time to figure out!) Thinking about it more, I know we were just excited about the possibility of getting to know these guys better (as friends first.) I just felt bad about the conversation because we reminded me of people who are quick to like someone based upon appearance.

Recently a friend told me how a girl he danced with was beautiful. I was like "What?! What do you mean beautiful? To me beautiful has to do with someone's soul." I explained to him how I can't like someone unless I know they are crazy about God and, similarly, how much of a turn off it is to me when someone flirts with me without truly understanding what is in my heart.

When I am told I look nice I admit it really makes me feel really good, but it only makes me feel good if it is from friends or people who respect me for who I am inside more than who I am outside. I ironically struggle like crazy with low self-esteem and low body image, so hearing people say I look nice amazes me. Even so, I would SO MUCH rather hear that I am a loving person, good friend, or a dedicated follower of Christ.

I really enjoy Taylor Swift songs like "Stay Beautiful" or "I'd Lie." But when those songs refer to beautiful I think of someone with an extremely beautiful soul.

This year a friend told me I should see my appearance as beautiful because God created me. I do agree that God created EVERYONE beautifully and that I should recognize that in myself. I already easily recognize it in everyone else!

If friends talk about liking someone because they are good looking, I will still respect them, but I will look at these feelings as a flaw. I don't look down on anyone for having flaws because I know I have just as many flaws if not more than they do.

I firmly believe it is not right to like a boy or girl based upon appearance. I do not think it is good to talk about people as being "hott" or based upon appearance. I don't have celebrity crushes. I think people should be known by their heart for God and not their appearance."

you need that boy like a bowling ball

"You need that boy like a bowling ball
Dropped on your head
Which means not at all"





I love listening to Superchick's song "Bowling Ball" and BarlowGirl's song "Average Girl"


So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring

No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story

Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
Gods arms are the perfect place to run

Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep Gods
Preparing one for me






I get so sick of how many people in this world think they need to be in a relationship to be happy. NO. If you are not satisfied while you are single, you will not be satisfied in a relationship. God is the only One who completely satisfies us, no matter if we are in a relationship or single.

I am excited to be patient and wait for the one guy God is preparing for me. And in the process I get to enjoy being single and focusing on the true Love of my life: God. :)

me and liking guys

April 19, 2010

"I am a complete "all-or-nothing" person when it comes to homework, dancing, eating healthy, working out, cleaning, pictures, and basically anything that requires my energy. I will either give it my "all" or give it "nothing." I guess in a sense that is how I am with liking guys. I either am feeling really romantic and wanting to listen to Taylor Swift or I am feeling like I really don't want to like them at all. I also have to give all my feelings toward one person and give "nothing" or no romantic feelings toward anyone else. These are habits I am trying to break. The truth is liking someone scares me so much! I am so slow to let a guy know that I like him, or even to really like a guy at all. I feel I need to speed into a relationship faster if the guy acts like they like me, but doing that scares me A LOT. And even then, I am extremely slow and cautious!

Yep, so as of right now, I am leaving everything to God. I feel optimistic. I am not looking for a guy at all. I just see them as friends. If God wants me to like a guy, something big will need to happen. (I like feeling this way!) Time to listen to Christian music and focus on the true Love of my life---God!"

SCREAM.

July 21, 2009

SCREAM.

I've come to my lowest of lows again and again and again and again. I never imagined I would ever eat another dorito after yesterday, yet today I ate bags and bags. When I sit down to this stupid basement computer I feel compelled to crunch and crunch and crunch and crunch. It is not me. It isn't the Abby who loves fruit. Who loves to be 100 pounds. Who likes only healthy food. It is weird.. As I pop that first gross fatty chip into my mouth, I think: I want to lose weight, why am I doing this? It is like I know what I'm doing but can't control it.

30 pounds in one year--a ton of pounds in a few months--AAAAHHHHHH! I am so embarrassed. This is not me. I WILL be skinny by the time I go to college. In less than a month.

We wonder. Is it the medication? I will call that stupid lady tomorrow. Those stupid ladies are the ones who made me fat in the first place. They say I have an eating disorder. anorexia. They made me eat and eat fat to gain weight. But I just won't stop. Last time I saw them they were so happy....little did they know.

I felt okay today. Not as bad as yesterday, even though I ate way more today. But deep down I MISS DANCING. It tears my heart to pieces. I cry with fear. Will I ever soar again? will I ever beat my legs? Will I ever jump off the ground? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED HELP.

I don't want to do this again tomorrow.

One piece of fruit, one lean cuisine, and a tiny bit of supper, and more fruit, that is IT.

This isn't me.





-------------------------------

"Did you feel, feel it break?
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost.
Feels like your innocence is lost.
So much for the perfect life!
So much for the perfect day!
It’s like no matter how you try,
Perfection’s just too far away.


So lift them up,
to Me.
All the broken pieces.
All the broken pieces of your life.
To Me.
All the broken pieces.
All the broken pieces of your life.

Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you.
And no one loves you like I do.
That’s the beauty of this grace.
It can put the pieces back in place.
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways.

I can take even your greatest mistake.
Every scar, every tear, every break.
And I can turn it in to something more beautiful
Than you have ever seen.


So lift them up to Me."

typical day of senior year

Feb 7, 2009

"I feel lost. I constantly think about how "messed up" this year has been and how I just want to rip it out of its sockets and forget it even existed. I am not me. I sacrifice day after day and minute after minute of my life to taking pictures, editing them, designing pages, brainstorming, searching, questioning, etc. for the yearbook. This 40 hour or more weekly commitment has been both what keeps me sane and what causes stress, fatigue, sickness, and meltdowns.

I have become a whirlwind of expectations from my parents: driving my sisters everywhere (I don't have any control of my time which leaves me constantly worried and unhappy), cleaning my room and the basement, not leaving anything around, not eating or drinking on the computer, gaining weight/eating a lot, only exercising three hours a day max with a day off, eating supper with my family, sleeping more, etc.

I have a constant worry and fear about displeasing my family or making them angry. I can't wait to be out of this house. I know my problems won't disappear, but I can only imagine how nice it will be to not suffer under expectations.

Due to this stress, I am never able to practice dance at home because my body doesn't want to move in the perfect way I want it to. I have begun terrible eating patterns with barely anything eaten in the morning and a huge binge at night. Last night I ate at least half a bag of cheerios, five servings of soy nuts, two granola bars, one jar of salsa, and I don't remember what else, but probably plenty more. As I write I am munching, even though I want to reverse this trend with big breakfasts and little snacks through out the day to keep my energy high.

This lazy person with a layer of fat all over her body (and with a much fatter stomach than ever before) is not me. I want to be active and to DANCE and live my way!"

letting go of dance obsession

Tears streamed down my face as I walked out of the room toward my mom, embarrassed, unhappy, and disgruntled. I was almost fourteen years old and hated myself for crying in front of all the girls I had just met. I guess I hated myself for crying, period. My perfectionistic wish to do everything right had really kicked in on that first day of ballet. I did not try to cry, but the tears came. I was frustrated by the fact that my body wasn’t moving the way it was supposed to and by the fact that everyone else knew what they were doing, while I no clue about a single step.

Even though the only reason I was taking ballet was to move up in jazz, during the next semester I constantly annoyed my sister with questions about ballet and was frequently frustrated. I had no idea it was going to be so complex! I could tell ballet was not easy for me at all. By the time I moved up to my first 90 minute long ballet class in the middle of ninth grade, I was starting to realize my love for the art. I loved how I could feel my muscles growing as I relevéd again and again at the barre and how my adrenaline soured as I spun, slid, jumped, and leaped across the floor. Christian music flowed through my veins as I lifted my whole body into praise for the Lord. Even though dancing brought so much joy, I understood perfectly well how far behind I was from everyone else who started when they were tiny, including my sister who is four years younger than me. I made it my goal to practice as much as I could in order to catch up to all the girls my age and pass up my younger sister.

The more I practiced the better it made me feel. Working hard at school and other things had never made me feel as good as improving at this most challenging endeavor. As I started to try summer dance camps, including the seven hours of dancing a day experience at International Music Camp, I realized dancing all day made me the happiest girl on the planet. I started making lists of little goals for every day such as jumping higher, turning out more, improving my arms, etc. All of this dancing only brought one downside: it ripped me away from enjoying anything else in life. The desire to dance completely plagued my brain day in and day out, making me unable to enjoy any time spent away from what I wished to accomplish (dancing and homework). I was unwilling to spend any time helping my family with chores, watching movies with them, eating supper with them, talking to them, etc. without unhappily wanting to dance at the same time. I constantly worried about my parents or sisters getting angry at me for dancing through the kitchen, and I constantly tried to plan out every little minute of the day in my head and became frustrated as my plans never worked out. Most days out of the week my little sleep and large amount of exercise made me feel energized and happy. However, at least one day a week I would be miserably low from tiredness and would breakdown extremely easily. My parents began to worry about my weight and other health aspects and constantly tried to limit my amount of dancing. Their concern made me even more determined to work as hard and long as it could.

What started out as a few innocent hours of dancing, eventually turned into a full-fledged intense six hour a day workout a few years later. This all seemed fine until about the beginning of senior year, when I began to feel tired and weak all the time. I was miserable as I walked around, unable to dance and feeling sad and angry much of the time. I would try day after day to eat a ton of food and to rest so that I could dance, but no energy would ever come. Finally one day I realized I needed to put praying and helping my family first and then God would bless me with the ability to dance for as long as He wanted. I now have learned to pray and to help with chores first and to trust in God with my dancing. I have more energy than I have for a long long time and am dancing at my best ever. This is by only going to dance classes for 1-3 hours during four days of the week. I now use my life to explore all my talents: photography, school, helping others, loving God, and dance. I choose not to go overboard with any of them, but to find balance in my life. I teach dance now and have come to realize that resting is more important than practicing in terms of performance. I know that I should stop practicing, as I usually have classes to assist the next day.

Each day is still a struggle, as I long to feel that adrenaline rush and as I long to feel like I am improving every day. When I feel sad, busy, or tired I turn to God and pray that He will help me dance. I am learning to trust in God and not in my practicing. As long as I am making a difference in the world by helping out my parents, sharing my faith, making people smile with my photography, and teaching little girls to worship God through dance, I know my day has been worthwhile.

Free Spirit

At 4:35 a.m. the average teenager snores as she enters the middle of her sleep cycle, wrapped in blankets and visiting dreamland. However, at 4:35 a.m. I throw off my blankets as Christian music hums in my ears and rush downstairs to toast my bagel. I prefer to head off to school with a feeling of accomplishment and exhilaration, due to practicing dance, not a feeling of tiredness and gloom like many classmates exhibit.

When I started ballet almost four years ago dancing changed from a fun way to exercise into a passion. I am not blessed with athleticism or flexibility, so striving to improve my dancing is my greatest challenge. Some people like to remind me that I started too late and will never reach the level of excellence I aim for. I just smile and say to myself, “All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me,” and “If there’s a will there’s a way.”

Along with dance, another passion occupies an equal portion of my heart: photography. Both elate my spirits more than anything else. I dream of not only elating my spirits but of touching many hearts through these art forms. I see myself using dance and photography in my ultimate desire to spread God’s love to others.

Currently I attend a Christian dance school where we worship God through dancing and share His message with audiences. I hope to teach others how to worship through dance and to inspire people through my passionate movements. Dance will always be a part of my life, through either teaching or taking classes on the side of my other occupations.
As well as inspiring people through dance, I anticipate touching people with my photographs. I believe photography provides a glimpse into another’s heart. Photographs open our minds to others’ feelings in a beautiful and powerful way. I will stir others’ emotions with photographs either by working for a newspaper, studio, or teaching photography.

Currently as Editor-in-Chief of our yearbook, I help tell stories within our school. My goals to use the most emotion filled and highest quality photographs often conflict with designers’ goals to keep the action looking into the page or to keep the design consistent. No other Editor-in-Chief before me has striven for the amount of coverage we are trying for or has gotten to know each staff member on a personal level as I have. Because my staff listens to me and respects me, we are placing much more emotion filled photographs on our pages. I do not want another mediocre book but want to soar ahead, covering all the nooks and crannies of our school and filling the pages with the highest quality design, stories, and photographs.

When I crawl into bed at 10 p.m. I like to know my dreams are coming true because I dared to give people a glimpse of another’s heart through photographs and dared to share God’s love through dancing.

Forever dancing for Jesus in my heart

(May 25, 2011)

Back in 2008 I danced too much. Was way too hard on myself. Wouldn't always let myself just let go, relax, and dance not for anyone and not for myself, but for Jesus.

... But even back then, I knew that. And for a lot of the time I truly would let go, completely enjoying the glorious, glorious time with Him.

That is why I danced. That is why it felt wonderful.

It was like a glimpse of Heaven. A glimpse of dancing with Jesus.
Praising Him, thinking about His great love.
I danced to give others a chance to see His love and beauty.
To praise and worship Him for all to see!!!


... With every limb of my body, and every ounce of energy (which was A LOT of energy), I put my all into glorifying His name through my movements.


... And now today, I am so thankful for all those hours I spent with Him. With the beautiful beautiful songs about Him. I would spend hours upon hours deeply thinking about all the words of Christian songs as I danced to them. I still hunger to listen to, sing, and dance to more and more beautiful Christian songs.

... Lately I am going back to my old CDs to listen. The lyrics fill me with so much joy and peace. There is no room for any anxiety or fear. It all melts away. Thinking about His grace and giving Him all my stupid fears whenever they try to consume me seriously makes me feel like I am on anxiety medication, even though I haven't taken any kind of medication for a few years!! I feel filled with an overwhelming, lasting peace beyond my understanding.



And a few times this summer, I have danced.

Danced around the apartment.
Hardcore.
With everything I have.


Not for me. Not for anyone else. But for Jesus.
Loving every precious moment with Him.


No matter where I am, when I think about this song I used to dance around to back in 2008, my heart swells with joy and love for Jesus. I loved Him back then, but now I have been captivated by His grace. Every song I used to dance to and sing means more and more every day, as I fall harder and harder, deeper and deeper, in love with my Jesus. As I read His Word more and more.


I'm overwhelmed by His forgiveness. For me, a selfish, horrible sinner.

His mercy is beautiful.




Here is a song I danced to back then. The words came strait from my heart to Jesus then, and mean even more when I sing them in my heart to Jesus now.







"I will understand
If they can't comprehend
All of the time we spend
'Cause it's beautiful

When You speak to me
Whispering softly
Love sweet melodies
That are beautiful

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they just don't know what You do to me

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they'll never know
What You do to me

Clothing me in righteousness
Lord, I must confess
I hold You to Your promises
That are beautiful

You've become my everything
Your presence makes me weak
'Til there are no words to speak
But "Oh so beautiful"

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they just don't know what You do to me

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they'll never know
What You do to me


They don't really know what You do to me
They don't understand how You make me free
When we're all alone and it's me and You
There's not enough expression for the things You do

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they just don't know what You do to me

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they'll never know
What You do to me"



...


Right now, I am so happy with where God has me at MSUM, out living and loving instead of in dancing all the time. But no matter where I am and what I am doing, I am often dancing in my heart for Jesus...

And one day we will dance in Eternity. :)

mission statement

I see someone walking toward me, about half a block away. There’s a hop in her step and her head’s held high. Her hair is tightly pulled back in a round flat bun atop her head. She’s wearing a mini green sweater and bright purple leg warmers. There’s something familiar about the “Dance 24/7” bag she’s waving in her arm. Seeing my strange glance she puts out her hand, “Hi I’m Abby Paul. I’ve been a trainee at Ballet Magnificat for two years now, and I’ve been enrolled in college for four years getting degrees in theology, education, and dance. How do you do?”

Looking into the future excites me. I can’t wait to see what my life will become five years from today. Not only do I want to achieve greatness in the future, but I also want to live each present day to the fullest.

My main goal in life is to reach Heaven. I believe loving Jesus and following His example is the one way to get there. Loving others, worshiping God, and helping those in need are important to me. I attend a Christian dance studio and dancing is my favorite way to worship God and share the joy of his love with others. I do this by practicing at home, dancing at the studio, or performing on stage, all while listening to Christian music and passionately giving my moves to Him. I love others by complimenting, encouraging, and respecting them, no matter who they are. Through volunteer work with Key Club and church I feed those who are hungry, visit the elderly, and help out in other various ways in the community.

An influential person, who has helped shape who I am, is my dance teacher Joni. She is faithful, passionate, joyful, confident, encouraging, and sometimes crazy. Joni is a strong female leader who started her own business, which is still thriving and growing. She is not afraid to share her faith with anyone she meets, and she shines with every move like no dancer I have ever seen. She controls her class in a firm but kind way and is an awesome example to girls by wearing stylish but modest clothing. By learning from Joni’s example, I have gained confidence in my faith and who I am. I am not afraid to show my faith in public because I imagine how Joni would not shy away from voicing her belief. Watching her dance always gives me awe and sparks the desire to put just as much passion into every move as she does.

Right now, as a daughter, sister, student, dancer, and friend, I can start using my talents to live the way I yearn to. I am a very motivated, hardworking, determined, and results oriented person. I became this way because of a new adoration of dancing in the ninth grade when I started ballet. Starting at such an old age, my desire to dance amazingly seems almost unreachable. I have learned to cherish every moment and make the most of my time in order to practice as much as possible. I use these traits in school to put in my best effort and as much time as I can to study and keep my grades up in order to possibly gain a scholarship in the future.

I am also faithful, passionate, encouraging, caring, conscientious, and trustworthy. My faith in God helps me to live joyfully and remember to think about the feelings of others. I try to show my love to my family by eating supper with them every night and thanking them for all they do. I love to encourage not only my friends and family but strangers as well.

To reach Heaven and best live the life God has planned for me, I can look at my personal mission statement each day. I created a personal mission statement in Youth Leadership last year. It states, “I strive to live a life full of faith, hope, and love and lead others to do the same. As Chris Tomlin says in ‘The Way I was Made,’ ‘I want to live like there’s no tomorrow. I want to dance like no one’s around. I want to sing like nobody’s listening, before I lay my body down. I want to give like I have plenty. I want to love like I’m not afraid. I want to be who I was meant to be. I want to be the way I was made.’”

stress and fatique in junior year

Nov 27, 2007

"I hate falling asleep in Biology. Sitting there, tapping my foot like mad, opening my eyes wide as they slide shut over and over. My body falls asleep first, then my head. I HATE it! I get so tired and cannot function. Today was a big, exhausting day. I conquered hopefully my hardest task of junior year: my Church and State debate. I did fumble, but many (Thomas F, Taylor B, Beatrice, Ashley R, and Andrea V) were seen by me smiling in the audience. I beat the biggest loud-mouth in our class.. I didn't care so much about winning, just getting it over! I was congratulated a lot though, by people not in my class! :) I'm SO STRESSED over the Civil War and cell cycle TESTS Friday. There are dance pictures and sisters' choir concerts galore this week. It's TERRIBLE! MAJORLY NEED SLEEP!"

Nov 28, 2007

"My brain aches. I'm worn down below the brim. I can't think straight, my hands are bloody and full of cracks that singe and sting, my lips are chapped, my back hurts in tension, my brain feels rushed, my legs are happy to finally be pedaling after sitting so long, my nose is stuffed, my head feels heavy, my body is in denial because it needs sleep SO BADLY. I'm confused about how much to eat at a time such as this. Trying to tell my dad how I feel was just about the most absurd act I committed all day. He holds not an ounce of understanding, and our arguments lead to him saying, "This is the least stressful time of your life. You girls get away with doing so little around the house it's not even funny!" Thanks A LOT DAD!! Hearing him makes me want to cry, scream, pull out my hair, and sink into depression. I hate the fact that this happens Wednesday after Wednesday, and Religious Ed. is the one thing I always feel like must be sacrificed. I see it as very unbeneficial, as we get nothing accomplished. I WISH I COULD GO SO BAD! Why am I the only person this stressed?! I need God's help!"





Looking back now, I can clearly see I was the anxious monster. My dad was loving and wise. I am sorry for any stress my anxiety and selfishness brought to my family. I am thankful that all these stupid lows always brought me to God and prayer. I am thankful for all the lessons I eventually learned. Sorry it always takes me so long to learn!!


 

humorous entry from 2007

Nov 25, 2007

"Most days I write about in here will be horrible. Anxiety, worry, selfishness, depression, and over-obsession will fill up these pages. Today, however, was not all terrible. I woke up to some extremely peppy praise music and had a good Bible read. I was ready to go after about two hours and ten minutes of riding exercise bike (while eating my delicious toasted whole wheat bagel with raspberry "light n' fit" yogurt on top, 1/4 cup soy nuts, and an apple), showering, studying while blowdrying my hair and riding exercise bike, getting dressed, eating carrots, packing pumpkin seeds, brushing my teeth, and getting everything together. As I grabbed my phone I saw that "Ugh, I got some texts!" Sally* was telling me we had to meet for Key Club at 8, wrecking my plans to look at a review power point for history class.

On my way I got my first speeding ticket! I will never speed up as I reach the speed limit sign again (or speed up to five miles over the speed limit). Both of which are what I was taught! That guy was out to get me! I was calm and relaxed though... School was nice. It was good for me to be around so many relaxed people. How do they do it? I found out I had to go speak at a Kiwanis meeting about Key Club with Ann and Merema. That turned out to be delicious (salad bar at Cashwise) and fun. Dance was awesome tonight. Through all the fondues and chaos, Monday night class has turned into such a family. I'm sad I don't get to be in it anymore after Christmas! What'll I do?"

idolizing friends

Tues April 18, 2006

"Ugh…I am pooped (utterly exhausted!) I feel as I always do by the end of a school day---dead. I need to get out a few of my millions of rambling thoughts that I can feel tearing through my mind.

I know I really love someone when I feel extremely jealous, sad, and disappointed when I have been anticipating seeing, talking, and sitting with them all day, only to find them already sitting with someone else.

I have only had that sad/jealous/makes me wanna cry feeling with two main people this year: Joey* and Lily*. Lately I feel like with most people, especially Lily, I never know what to talk about or say. I am too dead all the time, and I feel kinda disconnected from everyone. Is that why she sat with that other girl? Is she bored of me? Is she trying to signal that she is better friends with her other friends than me? Why did she sit there when there were so many other seats available? I feel like crying. I know I am probably way over reactive and jealous, but I would do anything and everything to make sure Lily* could sit by me. And if for some weird reason someone else asked to sit by me, I would make sure there was somewhere next to me she could sit. I even mentioned to Lily that I would see her on the bus. Does she like the fun, outgoing, loudness of the other girls better than me?

I am achy, my ears are plugged, and I feel weak and tired. How fun.

Love,
Abby"


It is very clear to me how immature a lot of my thoughts were as a freshman in high school. I think it is easy for us to idolize our friends or look for them to satisfy us in ways only God truly can. If this were to happen to me today, I like to think I would happily spend the bus ride in prayer. Also, I have now learned not to worry that I usually only talk when deep topics are being discussed. It is my personality, and I am happy with it! I usually talk a ton if I am with someone one-on-one, but I always enjoy listening more than talking when I am in group situations.

The whole weak and achy thing was totally due to anxiety. Pain in my ears is a common side effect of anxiety for me. Feeling weak or "dead" was probably due to both anxiety and not eating enough.


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"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."
-James 3:16

stressed about time

Fri April 14, 2006 (continued)

“I am not the average female freshman. I’m shy and quiet. I’m a huge thinker---I never stop thinking. I have different values than most of them as well. I try super hard in skool to get good grades and I’m in some really hard classes. High school is hard. I get very stressed and worried a lot. My biggest problem that I let overpower my life is not having enough time. That is something I struggle with every second of every day. I am a very hard worker and never let myself relax. I do not see myself as lazy whatsoever. I try very hard to be a kind and helpful person. Sometimes my stress over time gets in the way of that though.”

A few more hours is all that I need

Seems that there just enough days in the week

But then it hits me:

Time is not the answer

You've given me all the time in the world




All that I need is...

A little more Life in my day

A little more of Your Life

A little more faith


Need a little more Life in my day

A little more Life to show me the way

If I'm gonna be in the world but not be of it

Lord I need more of You in all that I do

With a little more Life in my day"



-"Life In My Day" by NewSong

"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest."
-Luke 12:25-26


Time is something that gets to us so easily! I still struggle with not wanting to waste any time. I guess the biggest problem I have is constantly wanting to and trying to do too much at once. I am also too perfectionistic, so everything often takes me about seven times longer than it takes everybody else. But I have definitely learned to relax this year. I am so thankful for the wonderful examples I have found in my new Christian friends! Even if I wouldn't have joined LCM, I was already well on mend. I am way more relaxed today than I ever thought I would be, and it is amazing!

God really can change us if we believe He will.

me at 14

Fri April 14, 2006

“Hi. I don’t know who you are or why you are reading this, but be ready to get to know me better than probably anyone on this earth. Of course the only One who really understands me, probably better than I understand myself, is God.

My name is Abby Marie Paul. I am 14 years old. I have long dark blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin, a nice flat stomach, muscle-y legs with a nice shaped butt, I have kinda muscle-y arms but they are really bony towards the wrist, I have small hands and size 7 ½ feet. I am 5’3 and weigh 98-102 pounds. I like how I look. I have clear skin, naturally strait teeth, and good vision. I have worked hard to look how I do and try to stay the same—a little more muscle wouldn’t be minded even though I’m very muscle-y already.

The most important things to me are my Faith (Catholic), Family, Friends, and being healthy. I started ballet last year. This year dancing has become my passion. I belong to Messiah Dance Theatre, which is a religious dance group. I am not as good of a dancer as I would like to be but I’m getting pretty good this year.

I’m really into living healthy and getting enough exercise and eating healthy. I’ve been addicted to exercise since last year and get as much as I can---30 mins to 2 ½ hours usually. I eat how I should---I love good food. I eat a ton of fruits and veggies and when I’m around them I can’t stop eating them. I also love our school lunches and I love all our wonderful home-cooked meals. Especially the ones from our garden! I do not eat like the average girl in my class and some of their eating habits annoy me. I love cooking and am obsessed with recipes. I have a collection of recipe books and magazines. "






---------------------------------------------------------

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"

-Matthew 6:25

Yep. This definitely describes my horrible selfish thoughts as a freshman. I would never ever say anything about my butt out loud by the way. (or anything good about any part of my body) But these are the true wordly thoughts in the head of a mildly anorexic girl, who wishes to be nothing but muscle. (I suppose severely anorexic people only wish to be skin and bones---which was never my desire.) I am very glad God had me go through stress eating, which was opposite of this disorder. Constantly eating junk food and having more fat on my body than I ever had in the past really opened my eyes. I realized it doesn't matter what I look like or what I eat. God still loves me and sees me as beautiful, and that is all that matters. :)

guys on the mind at 13

Tues March 8, 05

"I am 13 and I have never done a single thing with a guy. That's OK cuz I really don't wanna rush into things or do stuff too young. But I still daydream bout guyz constantly---I hope someone likes me even if it's a guy like Sam* or somethin!

Love,
Abs "



It is sad how rooted into a middle schooler's mind it is that they are only worth something if they have a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend." (or in my case just someone who liked them) I truly believe what I read in "When God Writes Your Love Story." I think we should patiently wait for the one person God puts in our lives, rather than dating and sharing physical affection with multiple people. We first need to be content with God as the only One who can satisfy our longings before we make the mistake of looking for a partner to fill the hole in our hearts.