Tuesday, April 18, 2006

idolizing friends

Tues April 18, 2006

"Ugh…I am pooped (utterly exhausted!) I feel as I always do by the end of a school day---dead. I need to get out a few of my millions of rambling thoughts that I can feel tearing through my mind.

I know I really love someone when I feel extremely jealous, sad, and disappointed when I have been anticipating seeing, talking, and sitting with them all day, only to find them already sitting with someone else.

I have only had that sad/jealous/makes me wanna cry feeling with two main people this year: Joey* and Lily*. Lately I feel like with most people, especially Lily, I never know what to talk about or say. I am too dead all the time, and I feel kinda disconnected from everyone. Is that why she sat with that other girl? Is she bored of me? Is she trying to signal that she is better friends with her other friends than me? Why did she sit there when there were so many other seats available? I feel like crying. I know I am probably way over reactive and jealous, but I would do anything and everything to make sure Lily* could sit by me. And if for some weird reason someone else asked to sit by me, I would make sure there was somewhere next to me she could sit. I even mentioned to Lily that I would see her on the bus. Does she like the fun, outgoing, loudness of the other girls better than me?

I am achy, my ears are plugged, and I feel weak and tired. How fun.


It is very clear to me how immature a lot of my thoughts were as a freshman in high school. I think it is easy for us to idolize our friends or look for them to satisfy us in ways only God truly can. If this were to happen to me today, I like to think I would happily spend the bus ride in prayer. Also, I have now learned not to worry that I usually only talk when deep topics are being discussed. It is my personality, and I am happy with it! I usually talk a ton if I am with someone one-on-one, but I always enjoy listening more than talking when I am in group situations.

The whole weak and achy thing was totally due to anxiety. Pain in my ears is a common side effect of anxiety for me. Feeling weak or "dead" was probably due to both anxiety and not eating enough.


"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."
-James 3:16

1 comment:

  1. this is GREAT, stumbled upon your blog. i don't know you but i'm proud of you as a fellow human being from learning from your faults and putting you faith in Love (love being god). Continue to Call him when you need him he might let us down sometimes but know he will NEVER leave us nor forsake us :)