Saturday, February 7, 2009

typical day of senior year

Feb 7, 2009

"I feel lost. I constantly think about how "messed up" this year has been and how I just want to rip it out of its sockets and forget it even existed. I am not me. I sacrifice day after day and minute after minute of my life to taking pictures, editing them, designing pages, brainstorming, searching, questioning, etc. for the yearbook. This 40 hour or more weekly commitment has been both what keeps me sane and what causes stress, fatigue, sickness, and meltdowns.

I have become a whirlwind of expectations from my parents: driving my sisters everywhere (I don't have any control of my time which leaves me constantly worried and unhappy), cleaning my room and the basement, not leaving anything around, not eating or drinking on the computer, gaining weight/eating a lot, only exercising three hours a day max with a day off, eating supper with my family, sleeping more, etc.

I have a constant worry and fear about displeasing my family or making them angry. I can't wait to be out of this house. I know my problems won't disappear, but I can only imagine how nice it will be to not suffer under expectations.

Due to this stress, I am never able to practice dance at home because my body doesn't want to move in the perfect way I want it to. I have begun terrible eating patterns with barely anything eaten in the morning and a huge binge at night. Last night I ate at least half a bag of cheerios, five servings of soy nuts, two granola bars, one jar of salsa, and I don't remember what else, but probably plenty more. As I write I am munching, even though I want to reverse this trend with big breakfasts and little snacks through out the day to keep my energy high.

This lazy person with a layer of fat all over her body (and with a much fatter stomach than ever before) is not me. I want to be active and to DANCE and live my way!"

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