Monday, January 2, 2012

missing dancing with all my heart

Like I said before, this break has been a lot.

Mainly a lot of good. A lot to praise God for, and actually the hard times are especially what I want to praise Him for. But the hard times have been a lot to deal with when they've happened to me.

One of the things that was very hard for me over this break was trying to figure out if God wants me to start dancing again or not. During all of this it was very very hard for me and I realized, "I miss dancing with all my heart." I wrote a long vent on Jan 2 with that very title. That day I was still struggling a great deal with anxiety inside of me about if I should dance again and with feeling very bipolar about the decision.

The vent was really long and originally just between me and God, but I'm posting about half of it to share with anyone who's interested in reading my heart about this and reading the way it sometimes takes God bringing me low in order for me to finally learn.

So I don't even really know what happened and what all started this... because when I went to the Christmas dance show at Messiah Dance, I loved the show like crazy beyond crazy, and loved the music, but I was not feeling like I missed dancing with all my heart or feeling like I wished I was still there or anything like that. I missed dancing of course a lot, but I was so incredibly happy with right where God has had me, with what I have been doing, with where my time has been spent: with all the time I've been able to spend with friends and family instead of spent dancing or practicing dancing!!!!! With all He's done. With what I'm doing. I was thankful for all of that. And had no desire to go back anytime soon, because I know I am too all or nothing...

But then something happened, something changed, something made me question, if maybe God does/did want me to go back to dancing? Just a little tiny bit. Just to teach little girls. That's what I truly miss most!!! I didn't have any desire to go back to the other dance classes, especially not advanced ones any time soon (though now, now I am really missing everything a lot even all the advanced dance classes)... anyway, I was wondering if God maybe did want me to go back, just to teach little girls, even if just for one day a week for the rest of my life until I can't dance anymore. I didn't want to ever go back very much. Not to where I'd spend much time practicing or stretching. I don't ever want to put those things before spending time with family or friends. But just to teach a few classes to young girls. I thought that might be something God wanted me to do... especially because it has been amazing me how much my body is still perfect for dancing and can still do it. I feel like that's crazy. I was also questioning if God wanted me to go back because teaching young girls to dance for Jesus IS something that brings me more joy than anything in the world. And I'm truly really good at it. I was praying hard every day and thinking maybe God did want it?? But really not knowing.

I feel bad now for this, but I even talked to Joni and told her I was thinking I'd like to come back. Just because I thought maybe God does want me to teach young girls, and just spend one morning or a little bit of time dancing a week. It's something I love so much more than anything and would love to do for Him. Joni said she would love to have me. :( ... She said I was naturally really talented at teaching little girls and at choreography. She said the joy I had for the Lord just shined and spread to all the little girls. She said she would always love to have me and pay me as a teacher, and could probably have me start assisting again in the summer or fall....

I was thinking about joining just the Adult Ballet class on Mondays from 1:30-3 this semester. Just to slowly get myself and my body back into dancing...

Because of all this, the possibility of dancing again or not has been something I've been praying hard about and thinking hard about every day. It is something that really matters a lot to me. Matters a lot to me to know what God would want me to do over what I want to do.

I just kept praying and praying and praying and praying for God to show me what He wants for me with this.

Because I really deeply want to do His will and not mine.

I've been praying like crazy, asking others for prayer, etc.

And in my own thoughts, I've been very very bipolar about it. And still am! Still am struggling with that.... but also letting it all go, and knowing it's right. :)

Anyway, it's because the possibility of me dancing again was brought up that I REALLY was able to feel and felt something I didn't even know: THAT I MISS DANCING WITH ALL MY HEART. That that's where a piece of my heart always will be: dancing with Jesus. Just dancing with Him and for Him. :) It is the most glorious thing.

And a part of me will always always dearly miss dancing at the studio too. With Joni and with all the other girls at Messiah dance.

I love and miss them all so very dearly. They are so awesome and beautiful in their hearts for Jesus and in just who they are. I love them all and pray for all of them almost daily. I think the studio is a beautiful and amazing place where Jesus is truly worshiped and glorified in a beautiful, very beautiful way. And I want every little girl who loves to dance to go there over in any other studio!!!!!!! Oh gosh, I do!!! That place is amazing. :D

So yes, of course, I will always miss it.

But God brought me to a silly low last week. To a very very low low.

It wasn't even my fault. It was not intentional. But I accidentally really messed myself up. And was just messed up, from accidentally consuming way too much food and sugar and from anxiety and not enough sleep all put together. What happened was I didn't even realize it until later when I came home for New Years, I guess I drank a whole 2-liter of regular Mountain Dew instead of Diet. Then that day I had no appetite all day and was filled with a lot of anxiety. Because I hadn't eaten enough I couldn't get tired. I ate some protein bars and food because I knew I really needed to eat and that eating would help me to be able to fall asleep. But with all the sugar I hadn't known I consumed and with the things I ate also containing a lot of sugar (protein bars and cereal being the main thing I had and consumed in my dorm room), I ended up unintentionally making myself very sick and messed up. And it sadly prevented me from going home and spending time with family or friends for a few days. It messed me up a lot, made me very sick, and was not fun at all.

But that low God brought me to made me realize again, how much I still struggle, how much I still just need to simplify my life and just learn to take care of myself so that I can love others, especially my family and friends best. How much I should not add anything to my life right now or later, but really need to learn to simplify.

Yes, an amazing and maybe good option for my life would've been to just be a Christian dance teacher, and to do that with my life during the day and then come home and just love my family and friends, OF COURSE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING, but right now that's just not realistic. And I'm happy with what God has for me even more!!!!!

Right now I am in college. :) And I have to keep at it and finish it. And enjoy every second and love friends and family with the little bit of time I have to do that!!!

I'm very happy for the way God showed me earlier in life, that I couldn't dance anymore at that time. My body was too messed up. It had all the symptoms of mono bad. It just couldn't dance well. And I had to stop. And knew it was what God wanted. And have been so incredibly happy with what He's done with every second of my life that I haven't been dancing. I never questioned anything, but have been filled with thankfulness for all that God and I are doing. I am SO thankful for all that's happened, for ALL that's been done. For all the places He's brought me. For where my time has been spent. So incredibly thankful.

No regrets at all!!!
Only praises of all the miracles that have happened. It amazes me beyond belief.

I have no regrets of all the years and time I spent dancing either!!! It was amazing and good, and exactly what I needed to go through! I still have all the music of praise for God in my heart and soul. I am thankful that I spent so many hours of my young life just worshiping Jesus to Christian music. That was all I did and wanted to do all the time. And wow, I'm glad that's what I was doing.

But I'm even more thankful for where He's brought me now. What I can do now. And what I will do and where I will go from now.

It's like, ya, maybe dancing would be a great option for me, maybe I do have a great body and passion and everything for it, but in order to love, connect, spend time with, and relate to everyone else in the world, especially my family and friends, it is better if I don't dance. Because then I have time, more time, to spend with them. And that's what matters to me most and what I love doing more than anything else in the world. :)

Believe it or not, even after writing that first half of the vent, the bipolar feelings about the decision and anxiety about what God wanted continued really bad. I felt like I really didn't know!!! The second half of the vent is a lot more dramatic. It basically repeats everything I just said and adds details of how hard it was at that time to let go of dance, how much I realized I missed it with all my heart, but how much even better just loving God and family is.

It was really hard because I was questioning if going back to that one dance class and then teaching young girls to dance in the future, was what God wanted for me in order to love Him and family and friends. Because I know how much I could love the girls at the studio. How much we could be like family, praising God together and really helping each other. I could still love my family and friends just as much... I was still questioning it a great deal and really missing it to the point that it was very painful.

That night I was filled with anxiety about it and just did the only thing I can do a lot of the time: pray and flip a coin or three. I've been doing a lot of that lately. I always really want to do what God wants with every decision, but sometimes it is just SO hard to know.

So, I laid on the floor and cried out to God and prayed. I flipped the coins again. For the third time I got two tails and one head. Meaning I shouldn't take the one dance class this semester. But after flipping them, it hit me so hard how much I missed it and how much it might be exactly what God wanted for me... I was still so unsure...

I decided to vent to my mom... telling her I knew I wanted to just not do it and just simplify everything in order to be able to have more time to just take care of myself and love family, but that I was still really filled with anxiety because it might actually be exactly what God wants and because I missed it with all my heart. My mom agreed that it just seemed right to not do it. To simplify and not try to add anything else onto all the other good things I am doing.

That night I was still filled with a little bit of fear about which decision God wanted and still filled with sadness about not doing dance anymore, but I knew I should just give it up. I did trust that God had told me with each toss of the coins, even if I kept doubting it. I also KNEW He had told me by bringing me the low!!! Why was I still questioning it and struggling so much?? I had never missed dance before, because I had always just trusted and known I was exactly where God wanted me, and exactly where I wanted to be too.

That night though, as I missed dance with all my heart, I was doing it for my mom and for God.

But thankfully, God has really been teaching me again this week by bringing me to really low, hard times of being really sick.

There is no doubt in my mind now: I want to just focus on taking care of myself and using the limited time I have to love my family and friends. :)

Nothing is better, nothing I'd rather do... God really blesses me.

... P.S. don't you worry,
God will still bless me with way way way more than enough chances to dance. Just for Jesus every once in awhile for a few minutes, as I can't help it but praise Him that way, with my spins and swirls and ballet, and even better, as I love family and friends. He blessed me with a lot of people who love the same things I do!! It is my joy to just hang out with and love people. ... And wow, I get to dance with my mom and sisters and get to sing with them and praise God with them.... What a blessing!

No comments:

Post a Comment