Thursday, November 10, 2011

the weirdest...

Why do I get in the weirdest, happiest, most imaginative, child-like, dreamy, and silly moods on days like today? ... When everything is all screwed up?

When my world is crazy?

... Why do I finally feel beautiful after I eat too much? (or after I emotional eat?)

Why will I look in the mirror every day and feel ugly?

Look into it and look at myself through the eyes of everyone else? ... I look at myself and think,
"I'm ugly. Too skinny. Unhealthy. ... My eyes look scary, sunken, unhealthy. Too skinny. ... Ugly."

... I always worry everyone is judging me. I worry people think I have an eating disorder. I worry all these STUPID stupid, STUPID things. ... Even though I know: It is the inside that counts. God knows me. Judges me. Knows my heart. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!!!

... And sometimes I am able to just rest in that!

Smile. :)

... That's why I smile. I am constantly filled with doubt, fear, an anxious thought or worry, but then I remember, "Don't worry what anyone thinks. It is what God thinks. He is judging my heart."
And I smile.

... But sometimes it is much much harder.

I didn't realize how much I had been struggling with bad body image lately until last night when I had a praise party with my two dear friends and sisters in Christ Rachel and Kaitlyn. Singing all the songs about God I realized,
"Wow. It is so hard for me to believe God loves me. Me. ME. ...."
I just don't even want to believe it. I can look at everyone else and know they are BEAUTIFUL. (to ME and even way way more to GOD!!!) Dearly loved and cherished. ... And inside I know I am too. But sometimes it is really really hard. I just don't want to accept it. I want everyone else to be happy and helped, but I just feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like people think I think I am better than others or better than them or am okay or "all happy" or something, so I just don't want to accept God's deep deep love, adoration, and comfort.

... I can't even describe the feeling it's just weird.

But ya... I had been walking around feeling ugly. Too skinny, and just ugly. Ugly and in need of eyeliner but never able to take the time to put it on. I have a lot of trouble taking time to do anything for myself sometimes!!! I had been feeling too skinny and ugly to everyone. Even Matt. (Even though he tells me I am beautiful and that that's not true every day!!!)

I had been looking at myself through what I thought were the eyes of everyone else... Feeling ugly, boring, and thinking people think I am being fake all the time.

Even though it doesn't even matter what people think (and I know that!) GOD DELIGHTS IN ME. And that is what matters! I knew it... But just didn't want to find peace in it, because others aren't happy. ... Or for some other stupid reason. I don't even know.

... But then, after it all, after all the craziness, and chaos. The nights of fear, days with times of fearing death, after the scariness, blahness,

After eating way way too much, I finally can look in the mirror and think, "I'm beautiful." :)

Isn't that what always happens? It's only after I emotional eat (or just plain eat too much for comfort), that I can look in the mirror and think, "hey! Why was I so stupid, I am beautiful in God's eyes!"

Why can't we all just look in the mirror and know that every day???!

I don't know. But I sure do know God is looking down here at us, aching out of love wanting us to know how beautiful beyond beautiful we are to Him. In His eyes.
His eyes
:D :D :D

Jesus loves you. Desperately loves you. ... Just the way you are. :)

... P.S. My anxieties are usually about other things. Other worries about what people think. Not about feeling ugly... But about feeling like a bad friend or feeling like I am bad at loving them or things like that. ... This time was weird. Weird and something that just kind of crept up.

... Stay tuned for more posts! I have so many more I've started and not finished... So many more thoughts floating in this crazy head! God made me me, and I can't wait to share all these crazy things I want to share with you all later...

Bye. :)


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