Monday, November 21, 2011

could this really be true?

I constantly want to encourage people. Especially my sisters in Christ. I just love them so much, am so thankful for them in my life, and they are so beautiful to me. :)

... I have a really really deep-rooted fear though. That even my honest encouragements will hurt them. That they will think I am being fake. That it will somehow make them feel bad or something...

I don't know, my fears are stupid, but hugely deep-rooted.

Last night after sending my very very dear old dance teacher Joni (one of the women of Christ I really look up to most for her heart and passion for Jesus) an encouraging message about how thankful I am for her, she called me.

It was a much needed talk. I am really really thankful she called.

And this morning I am still trying to grasp, trying to believe what she said. It almost seems like to much, too much for me to bear or think about because I barely have the strength to believe it.

I told her about how hard the last few weeks have been. How scary, hard, and horrible. How God's ripped away EVERYTHING I was holding onto (that I didn't even realize I was holding onto.) God brought me to a place where I am so incredibly weak all I can do is say, "You will be done."

It is amazing.

Beyond beyond scary and hard, but so good. So needed, Exactly what I've been praying for.

I need this to continue. I want this to continue forever.

I want to be broken down every day. Broken more and more and more and more. All these earthly desires, selfish wants, all these things I am trying to hold onto and control ripped away. Everything ripped away until I am only His.

I need this. And I need prayers for it bad. I am so far from the cross.
So far from the woman of Christ I want to be and know I can be for Him.
I've been a selfish, anxious monster, not a woman of Christ.

I have so much growing and changing to do, but I am excited to do it for Christ. The One who deserves my all.

... Anyway,

The thing I've been asking for most prayers, and REALLY need most prayers for is to surrender control of my time to Him. Wanting and taking control of my time is my biggest idol. The biggest thing I struggle with and try desperately to hold on every day. Please pray I can let go of this control and learn patience. Wait for His lead. HIS will be done, not mine!!! ... His plans are always SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH better and more amazing than my own anyway!!! When I finally do surrender He takes my breath away. He knows me and my heart and my desires even more than I do. He romances me, cherishes me, and blows me away. HIS PLANS ARE BETTER THAN MY OWN.

So, I asked for her prayers that I would put loving others before all the selfish things I want to do.

... And we talked for awhile about how much better God's plans are than our own. How much we get so excited about our own plans for Him!!! How we want to do so many things and get so carried away!!! But our own plans never work. It is when we just relax and say "Your will be done" that He really works!!! HE works. Not me. It is clearly Him placing people and using me. And when this happens it is better than anything we ever imagined.

And Joni shared something I am still having A LOT of trouble grasping. She said she's learned it is when she is herself, her weak self, just relaxes and be's her, that God is really able to work. That God will just work, just place people, that He really has the chance to move. It's when she steps aside and says it's not about me, it's about You, just be's her, that He moves.


This is something I am really having trouble grasping, yet am amazed by this morning.

See, I still hate myself in so many ways. I have for so so so so so incredibly long. All I can see is my sinfulness, my weaknesses, my flaws, the way I fail others. And all I can remember is all the times I've felt others, the things they have been displeased with, want me to change, etc.

I need to let go of this form of pride every day.

It's about Him.

And I know, His strength is made perfect in weakness.

He made me ME. He loves me even though I am so far from the cross. He carries me and delights in me. He wants to take me and use me, just as I am. And He wants me to relax so that HE and not me, can make me new. :)

I am thankful for all the desires He's put in my heart! I do love me and how different I am. Though I very often feel ashamed of who I am, of my differences, of my flaws and failures, I need to just relax and let it be about Him and not me. He will work. He is using me as me more than I know.

It's all about a Savior. A Savior on a cross.
Who BLED, DIED, was spit on, endured horrible horrible horrible suffering for me, out of love for me, to forgive me for all these sins I should never be forgiven for.

How can I not just be moved to let go of me and let Him be my everything after that?

... Please pray for me.

And thank Him for using all of us and loving all of us, just the way we are. :)

His love is way too good to be true.

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