Monday, February 6, 2012

being real.

These times are so weird and all over the place for me. Not sleeping for more than an hour or two hours Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, and Tues nights (and none during the day) of last week, along with already being sick and scared for my health, was really hard. I didn't know why I had insomnia, never really do.

I was very scared for my life, as I have been so often this year. I was frustrated that I couldn't sleep. I've just been all over the place every day. Which is not that new, but this all really heightened it a lot. I have been very attacked and filled with anxiety and depression, fear, lies from Satan, selfishness and sinfulness, and anger and hatred toward myself.

I'm now at the point where over and over I am filled with anger at myself. Feeling horrible and sorry that I put those I love through all of this.

... But, I know God knows exactly what He's doing. He's working purposefully through all of this.

Looking back at Tues night and Wed during the day, the times of just laying there listening to music about God's love for me are so so precious to me. A precious time for me and Jesus. Honestly, nothing could've been better than that.
I was so filled with peace, just lying there listening to songs of His love for me. After all the horribleness, I finally found the one thing that gives me peace and rest: His grace.


And He truly is bringing family and friends together, always.
He works perfectly. Especially in weaknesses.

Satan always always tries to fill me with anger towards myself, but I need to keep fighting it. Forgive myself as God forgives me and keep fighting to find rest and peace in God's Truths.

I'm thankful for everything. The anxiety, the depression, the weirdness, the being sick and weak... all of it leads me to Him. Leads me to His arms.

Leads me to songs and truths like these....

Thank You God.

Thank You for the friends and family I have. For how understanding, forgiving, and loving they are. For the beautiful beautiful ways they have taken care of me when I am at my worst or sick or struggling. For the way they show me the love of Christ.

Thank You most of all for Jesus.

Though my health and everything is still not too good and is still scary every day, I trust You. And I thank You!!!

I AM BLESSED. In every single way.

Especially with Jesus. His forgiveness. His love. SALVATION. And the promise of Heaven.

Though I struggle to allow myself to, thank You for always reteaching me again and again: You just want me to rest in You.

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