Tuesday, February 14, 2012

being real again.

Honestly, something I've realized about myself is I can't not be real no matter how much I try. God only knows the truth of this. I apologize for it, but I also know and believe He truly works through it. Somehow, His power really is made perfect in weakness.


What I woke up filled with thinking this Valentine's day:

From the highest mountain top to the bottom of the ocean floor, I would not change a thing about any of what I've gone through in my life. The past school year, or whatever time frame I'd want to look at, each year, each season, has been really hard. Filled with scary times of depression and anxiety. Times of being scared for my life. Times of unbearable guilt, shame, and hatred for myself. Times filled with paralyzing anxiety of fearing what people think or of feeling like a horrible failure to them.

anxiety every day about what to do with my time.

oh man...

I am so thankful for all of this.

Fighting the horrible guilt and shame again and again each day with the Truth, with His love and grace for me, a long with fighting to know I believe Jesus Christ and the cross are my only Hope, has helped me more than anything in the world. The warfare has really strengthened my faith and hope in Christ.

I've grown way way more than ever before in the ability to do whats hardest for me: accept His grace and love for me. Forgive myself. Trust that He's in control. That He made me the way I am for a reason. Trust that He loves me just the way I am, which is the hardest thing for me to believe.

Everything I've gone through has helped me grow in confidence and excitement to love, encourage, and just love my family and girlfriends in the way God created me to until I die.

It has made me determined to fight through every bit of guilt and shame and hatred toward myself and let His grace be where I find rest and hope. Because it's only then that I am filled with His joy and filled with excitement to show others His love and grace. Show them He loves them just the way they are.

This Valentine's day I am excited to remind others me and Jesus love them just the way they are.

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