Friday, April 22, 2011

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

I am in a deep state of confusion and thought.
This happens to me quite often.

I feel so deeply saddened, worried for, and disgusted by this world.
It is so sinful. So dark. So lost.

Yet, most have no idea!!

We love to be self-focused. Pleasure seeking. Doing whatever "feels good."
Trying to escape, achieve, be happy, have fun.
Looking to other people to satisfy us. Putting our hope in human relationships.
In success. In having fun. In material things. In entertainment.
We love to eat or drink away our pain and anxiety.

This disgusts and saddens me.

What saddens me most is we are okay with it.
Too stubborn to change.

We don't want to trust God.
We don't want to surrender.

"For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles."
-Romans 1:21-23

"Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave themover to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents, they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."
-Romans 1:28-32

We desperately need to repent!!!
But we refuse.

We'd rather wait. Sin now.
Give in to temptation.
Banking on the fact: "God will forgive me later."
"I can repent later."
"I am already saved."
Listening to the lies...
"Everyone else is doing it."


I am just angry at myself.
Angry at myself for being so sinful.
For continuing to turn to food in times of anxiety.
It might for a second.
But later it HURTS me.
And it always hurts God horribly.

He doesn't deserve that!!!
He deserves my love.
My heart.
My praise.
My purity.
I want to keep His commands out of love for Him.
I desperately want to bless His heart.

I want my heart to break. I need my heart to break. I need to hate my sin. To hate it so bad that I can say, "No!" That I can cry out in desperation, "Help me God!"

He gives us enough self-control and help to stop.

While I was writing this, during all my confusion and anxiety over all the thoughts in my head, I started using food to help me write. To help me cope. To calm my anxious mind. Not good. For me that is a sin.

So I cried out to God fo help and strength. It was my choice to use the food and my choice to stop. Even if I felt trapped, I wasn't. He gave me the strength to say, "No." To put away the food. And to say, "No more."

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
-Matthew 26:41

But please pray for me. Pray my heart can break even further. Further so that I never turn to food again. I want to be free from turning to food completely. I know I can be right now!! All it takes is faith in Him. That He is enough. That I don't need the food.

Having faith is the hardest thing in the world, especially when we are weak. But He IS enough. And He IS our strength. We can do all things through Christ. If we just believe it! :)

I repented for turning to food and for all the many sins and sinful thoughts I've recently committed.

Now all I can say is,

"Thank You."
From the depths of my heart,
Thank You God for Your Mercy.
Thank You for Your death and suffering.
Thank You for Your love.

All I do is bruise You. All I do is crucify You with my thoughts.
All I do is bring You pain, blood, and tears.
Yet, You still look on me with compassion.
You still forgive. Still love.

Thank You Jesus.
I owe it all, my all, to You.

Going out into the world is so incredibly hard for me. I pray for God to fill me with every fruit of the Spirit. I pray for God to fill me with His love. I ask the Holy Spirit for help. I pray, "God, break my heart for what breaks Yours." And when I go out, my heart breaks hard.

I am deeply saddened and disgusted by how filled with sin this world is. How much we are constantly fed lies by our media, our culture, and our own flesh.

I hate sin. I hate the sin I do and the sin everyone else does.

And God's really been working in my heart lately. Teaching me. Opening my eyes as I pray to Him, listen for Him, and read His Word. I've learned I need to be really careful as my heart breaks like this. I want to hate the sin people do, but I do not want to judge the people for their sin. Doing so is completely hypocritical as I am a sinner myself!! It is only God's job to judge. I can't see people's hearts. Instead, I must let this breaking lead me to God's heart: mercy and grace. All I can do is pray hard. Pray hard that they do love God with their whole heart, that they are or will seek Him, that they are repenting for their sins. I need to leave the judging and condemning to Him. For as much as I judge others He will judge me!! That's a very scary thought, because I need to work on all the things I am praying for others for just as much as anybody else!!!

"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things. Now we know that God's judgement against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being pass judgement on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgement? Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?"
-Romans 2:1-4

Dear Lord, please help me.
I often find myself being horribly judgemental!!!
I need Your help badly, Dear Lord.
Help me to be more like You.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
But keep me from all judgement, pride, or selfish thought.
I don't want to condemn others! anymore!!
Instead, with this breaking of my heart, lplease lead me.
Lead me to my knees.
To fear You.
To prayer.
To Your heart.
Lead me to the cross.

Please take my selfish heart and make it new.
Make it like You.

Thank You Jesus for Your mercy on a sinner like me.
And thank You for Your help.
I need You.

1 comment:

  1. I just stumbled across this post from the Internet... And wow, this post really touched my heart. Keep up the blog! God will use you to reach out to many more people. God bless you :)