And I don't want it. I want God to fill my heart with so much love, compassion, understanding, kindness, patience, and peace that there is no room at all for anxiety, irritation, anger or bitterness toward myself or others.
I've been noticing myself becoming irritated and slightly angered toward the sin in other people's lives. Toward the fact that they've dug themself into their own hold. I can see that God wants to pull them out, bury the shovel, and allow them to run hard--with His strength alone--the race He has for them. God has forgiven them completely. They are free of any dirt or stains. And whenever they pick up the shovel (that should be buried and miles away from them in their past) to keep digging, or whenever they look back at their hole, I've become irritated.
I've become a hypocrite. All the irritation is hypocritical, and I don't want it.
How many times a day do I dig myself into my own anxious pits??! How many times in my life have I been in situations even much worse and holes much deeper than theirs?
And what did I need? Love.
I needed God and God's love being poured out to me from others.
It is hard to watch others struggle knowing all they need is God. But it is not my job to judge. It is not my job to be irritated. No. I need to give their struggles to God. God's timing is perfect. Sometimes it takes a long time for Him to teach us that all we need is Him. The struggles are beautiful. I know He will bring amazing healing in His timing--not mine.
I just need patience. Patience and love.
On my own I am an anxious mess. Angry at myself for being anxious. Angry at myself for being irritated toward others. Angry at myself for everything.
I need God. I need to forgive myself. Look at others with love. They have beautiful, pure intentions. Their hearts are totally for God. None of us are any better than another. All of us are completely sinful and selfish. They only thing good in us is Jesus.
I need God. His forgiveness. His love. His peace. His strength.
On my own I am buried under regrets, buried under feelings that I have wronged others, that I have said and did the wrong thing, that I've hurt others. I am sick of myself. Of my selfishness. My anxiety. Doubt. Irritation. And bitterness.
But God forgives me. He loves me. And He wants me to see myself the way He does. Forgiven. Beautiful. Loved. Perfect.
It is hard, but I must forgive myself. I must allow Him to change my anxious heart. Change it to one of thankfulness for His love. One filled with joy over His promises. One filled with love and patience toward God, others, and myself.
I want to love and encourage others. I know their hearts and intentions are beautiful. I have always seen that more than anything else when I look at them!! But I don't want even an ounce of bitterness towards anyone.
God, please fill my heart with love and encouragement.
Just fill me with You. Not me, but You.
"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."