Monday, October 8, 2012

my battle lately

So lately I've been asking my friend to pray for me every single day.
Every day I struggle so much to get "out of my mind."

It's a huge battle.
And I want so badly to stop.

No more "could've beens," "should've beens," or "could bes..."
It's really hard when my heart is still breaking. I'm still grieving my loss. And my heart is also having trouble accepting what to it just doesn't make sense, just isn't right. 

It's so hard to keep me out of my mind. My mind just won't stop.
No matter how badly I want to just let go. move on. trust God. and focus on Him and what I have and what I'm doing... No matter how much I know and believe the truths deep down that God's plan is so much better and that what I already have in Him is so much better, it's still a constant battle.

The music of the world around me sure doesn't help any either.

... but with the help of prayers and the help of God, I know He can help turn this horrible weakness into a strength. I know it's going to be a battle every day of my life. Not with the same things, but with whatever my mind wants to focus on each day!! This has been a constant battle and will be my whole life...

but it's silly.
It's gotta stop.

When what I have is unbelievable.

I have Jesus.

A Savior with His arms stretched. A Savior who loves me enough to lay down His life for me.
And a God who blesses me beyond belief on this earth.

I want so badly to do this for Jesus.
To just let Him be enough.

To focus on Him.
Let Him wrap me in His love.
And to focus on my family, my friends, the kids, dancing for Jesus and my grandma and my future, all the many things I am doing for others... to just do what I love: to work hard for my fam and God... and to do it all while out of my mind. To just trust Him with everything. With the future. With the present. With everything and everyone. With my whole life. That's the struggle. To stay out of my mind and do all I do for God, while letting myself be wrapped in God's love.

All while focusing on the Word of God, His love, Jesus, the songs He plays for us, the things He speaks to my heart...

all while focused on Him, on praying for others, and just on the cross...

it's a war I need prayer for.
it's a war I can already feel the prayers being answered for every day. Today was a really good day.
But I'm still so weak to it, all day, all the time. And the prayers for it will never be wasted and never be not needed.

This is what God deserves. and my family and everyone who I love each day deserves.
I am so blessed beyond words to be doing exactly what I'm doing.
To be romanced by my King. To be called by Him to do all the things I love.
To love on my fam, the kids at work, dance with and for Jesus and others, and most of all to love and be loved by Him.

I gotta get "outta my mind" and into His heart.
I want to do this for Him.

Be captured by the cross.
Be focused on Jesus.

(Every lyric of this song is exactly my prayer/thoughts lately. Listen to the lyrics...)

"Oh the wonderful cross 
Love so amazing, so divine 
Demands my soul, my life, my all..."

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