Friday, June 22, 2012


A continuation of what I mean by feeling more "free to be me..."

I've never not been me. Believe me on this one.  I've always been very true to myself. Or... well... I just can't help it, my self/personality/who I am is just too stubborn and too me to be anything else at all. 

The thing is though I've been so angry at myself for it. For the way I am. I am always trying to find things wrong with who I am. Trying to find fault, sinfulness, selfishness in all of who I am.

And truth is: that is who I am. It's who we all are. Completely completely selfish and sinful.
... Especially me. And I can see it so so much, yet can't even see much of it at all compared to what God sees and knows.

What I've realized this year though is that that's why Jesus had to come. I can't die to myself. No matter how much I wish I could or want to, I can't. There will always be so much selfishness there, so much ugliness... there will always be that dark part of me there that I try to sweep away and hide from the world...

but what I've realized is that's okay. That's how it will always be.

That's why Jesus had to come and die for me!!!

He covers it all.

I will always be an amazing sinner, and He will always be an AMAZING SAVIOR.

... Basically every day I just have to again remind myself and fight to let His grace cover all of me.

I've always been me. ... Believe me!
But... I've always wanted to find fault with every little thing.

Now... I'm just learning to let go.

I'm going to say the wrong thing, I'm going to do the wrong thing, I'm going to mess up constantly!!!...
ugliness is always always going to be there,

I need to just let His grace cover it all.

Every day as I fight with this I am re-amazed by His love and grace for me.

And mostly I'm reminded by His love and grace that I AM FREE TO BE ME.
He loves me just the way I am. 

And I am learning to let go. Not be mad at myself.
But just be Real.  True. and me before Him.
(as I always have been)
but this time continunously saying "no" to all the anxiety I have about it. About wanting to do what He wants. ... That is what I always have and maybe always will struggle with most. Wanting to do what God would want me to do!!! And it's hard when I just don't know... But I'm continuously trying to trust Him with it all. To trust Him to lead be back to His plan as I go astray. Most of all to trust Him to cover me in His grace.
From arm to arm across that cross, He died to cover all of who I am.

Now, even if I am doing a lot of things wrong, even though I am and always will be so sinful and selfish, 

I feel so much more free to be the way He created me to be.
To trust Him.

To love and live for Him in the way I feel He created my heart, mind, soul, and body to. In the way I feel called to, even if I've always wanted to point my finger at it, to find things wrong with it, to believe I should be different... this does seem like the way I am created to love Him and serve Him best. Out of my very being. The way He created me. The things and ways I am best at loving and praising Him. The ways I am best at loving and serving others. ... I feel more free to do the things my mind, soul, body, and heart just seem to be made for right now. ... More free to do these things without worrying that they aren't what I should be doing.

To love Him with my whole heart, mind, body, soul, and strength whatever way that means for me at each moment.

To just let it be my story.... all between me and Jesus.

His grace sets me free. 

Free to make mistakes.

The Word tells me He wants me to remain in His love and grace.

I am thankful I can come back to Him, trust that He's in control, and most of all ask for His forgiveness always.

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