Sunday, August 7, 2011

I'm a struggling, anxious mess.

This weekend I've really been struggling. Struggling with anxiety. Struggling to let go of all my idols: especially time and getting stuff done. It has been horrible. I just want everything to go MY WAY. Even though God's way is so much better...


I am stuck in my own mess.

I won't let go of my selfish anxieties, fears, and desires.

I desperately need His mercy.
I need Him, but I keep choosing me.

... All I can do is keep asking for help. It is so hard for me to let go. Of all these anxieties, fears, and idols I've held onto for so many years.

I just need Him.
Please pray I will surrender fully.

And pray I will accept His mercy and grace. I have A LOT trouble forgiving myself. The guilt and shame attack bad. It is all about grace. He still loves and forgives me, more than anything, even though I am constantly messing up!!

I am so incredibly thankful for that kind of mercy and love. :D I just want to thank Him, praise Him, surrender, and do the hardest part: change.

I know it is only when I am filled with thankfulness, joy, and peace over His grace, that He becomes my strength. Allowing Him to be my strength is the only way I am able to surrender and change. And that starts with thanking Him for His mercy.

Please pray for me to be able to do that. It is REALLY really hard right now.
Thank you.

... It has been SO HARD. It is SO HARD for me to give Him what I want to do most, but He wants it. He wants that time, that love to be ALL FOR HIM. He wants me. He wants EVERYTHING.

It is SO HARD for me to give Him everything, to rest in Him, just let Him love me, and to trust Him with everything.
But that's what I'm going to try to do, with His strength.

His grace, love, mercy, and peace are AMAZING. :D

... Later,

it feels SO GOOD now to have given Him what was so hard to give!!! I feel filled with joy instead of guilt and shame. :D I know the sacrifice is worth it to Him. And I know, even though I am still selfish and sinful in so many ways, and even though I will still struggle with the same thing again, HE FORGIVES ME. And loves me. No matter what I do!!! He delights in me. To God I am His beautiful daughter, and to Jesus I am the bride He longs to finally hold. :D

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