Monday, October 11, 2010

turning to food NEEDS to stop.

I have really been struggling lately. Anxiety has been high. More than anything I just want to be there for people and to help people. But I constantly have to put taking care of myself and getting my work done first in order to stay healthy and not become so anxious.

There have been times lately where I have given in to feelings of hopelessness. To feeling like I am not going to be able to get all the photos edited and all the studying done and everything else. To feeling horrible that I am not spending time with or helping people. To deciding it would be best to just get everything done as quickly as possible at whatever cost. I just really want to be there for others the next day.

On Saturday Oct 9, I turned to food. I don't even like candy. At all. I would much rather be eating carrots or grapes. But I ate package of trail mix after package of trailmix. Package of candy after package of candy. I figured if I am going to sin and turn to food instead of God, I should really punish myself to make sure I will never want to do it again. I felt like I deserve to get fat for how sinful I am. I didn't get more photos done than I would've with out turning to food. I just made the next day a day of suffering.

I was supposed to spend Sunday out with Kelsey taking photos, but instead the next day was spent feeling horrible for sinning. I told Kelsey all about it, and she stayed with me while I spent a day editing photos and telling God how sorry I am that I KEEP sinning. I CAN'T keep hurting God.

I cried a few times that day and felt almost suicidal from how sorry I was for giving in to all the lies that consumed me the night before. Lies that I should feel bad and hopeless about work, instead of just resting in God and His promises. I felt bad for not spending time with friends, I felt hopeless about the work I had to get done, I felt bad for always eating healthy and trying to take care of myself instead of just not caring like everyone else, I felt I deserve to get fat.

I knew I could've just called Matt or Kelsey, and they would've come and sat with me while I worked on photos. They would've been there and made sure I didn't turn to food. But instead I gave in to the hopelessness and wanted to torture myself for being so sinful. Even though I don't give in to food a huge majority of the time, I still do sometimes when I want to get things done, and I know I CAN'T keep sinning day after day. I wanted the next day to be a day of suffering so that I wouldn't hurt God with my sin again.

On Sunday, I told Matt about everything and apologized for not just calling him. Usually just knowing how much Kelsey and Matt care about me and knowing that God loves me EVEN MORE keeps me from turning to food. It keeps me from turning to food countless times every day, and I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life!!! I am so thankful I am able to be completely honest about everything and am able to constantly get support, advice, comfort, and prayer from my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am so blessed!! And Christ loves me so much more than this!!!!

I learned from this experience I need to trust in God. I can't give in to the lies. Turning to food is NOT going to help. I need to use the people God has placed in my life to help me. I can't do anything on my own with out God's help. I need to just rest in Him. I can't get angry at myself for taking care of myself, even if it constantly takes me away from spending time with others. I also can't get stressed about work of any kind. School or photos or anything else. God will help me get them done if I just rest in Him. I can't do anything on my own with out God.

AND... how AMAZING is it that even though I keep messing up God still love me the same?! His forgiveness and love are AMAZING. So much more than I ever deserve!! I am so incredibly thankful, and I need to allow God's love and forgiveness to continue to fill me with joy. Even though I know I am always forgiven, and I know I must constantly forgive myself, I want to change. I can't keep sinning by turning to food instead of God any longer. Even just eating an apple or an orange for comfort instead of resting in God is sinful, and I want to change!!!

Thank you Lord for always forgiving me and loving me WAY WAY more than my sinful self could ever ever deserve!!!!

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