Saturday, October 16, 2010
"Father, please I need rescuing..."
I heard the song "Freedom" by Run Kid Run on the radio Friday morning. Every word of that song is truly the cry of my heart right now. I had a tough week struggling with lots of anxiety and a few brief feelings of depression. I learned that sometimes, even though I know about God's AMAZING love and forgiveness and about the promises of eternal life, I can't control when my body feels anxious or depressed. All I could do was lay face down on the floor and beg for God's help. God did help, and He was here with me. He also blessed me with Matt and Kelsey and with all the other wonderful friends who poured out God's love to me during this struggle.
There were also points this week where I turned to food to help me get stuff done. I tried really hard not to. My body was exhausted. My head felt heavy and tired. I couldn't focus on the paper I was writing at all. Christian songs were going through my head, and I was thinking about people I wanted to spend time with. I was also feeling weighted down with photos, tests, and everything else. Most of the problem was exhaustion from stress.
On Thursday Oct 14, I tried really hard to be patient with myself, but it was taking the entire day to write half a paper (I never did finish), and I had a huge Psych test, which was also a huge struggle for me to study for, the next day. My main desires were to spend time helping people and with God, but my stupid body just wouldn't function to study. It would just get to the point again and again where it was absolutely RIDICULOUS that I couldn't get anything done. I hate the fact that I struggle with this because I want to be out helping people. So I used junk food. I don't even like candy at all!! I would've much rather ate carrots, but I did it to punish myself so that I would never turn to food again. The sad thing is I kept having to go back for more. I probably ate three or four thousand calories of junk food during each of the two days I turned to food this week. It made me feel gross. But at the time it truly felt like the only way to get anything done. It really did help get the paper done, but I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!! I can't keep sinning!! This really hurts God. I did it so I would have more time to spend with people and with God, but each day I did it, it just ended up with a lot less time for others and God.
I know I learned a lot from these struggles. Compassion for others who are going through anxiety, depression, addictions, etc. I learned sometimes anxiety and depression consume us even when we know God's promises. I learned I need to allow the people God has placed in my life to help me during times of struggle. I also learned I need to let go. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to do school work, and I need to rest in God instead of turning to food. I need to let go of my desire to do so well on tests and assignments.
I can't keep sinning!! Yes, I understand God's forgiveness. Yes, I understand I must forgive myself. I understand God's love and forgiveness is SO AMAZING and I am SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that He forgives and loves me during my repeated times of failure, but I think even though we know these things we should still try with all of our heart to change. We can't get comfortable in our sins. We can't allow the fact that we know God forgives us to justify our sins. We NEED to change. And we need God's help. Badly.
Thank you God for your AMAZING love and forgiveness. Please help me change for You.
I am now singing this song every time I feel like turning to food. I am crying out for God's help. I know I can't do this alone.