personality counts, not appearance

May 12, 2010

"Tonight when a friend brought up how he loses a little bit of respect for people when he hears them referring to people as hott or good looking, I was quick to agree. I felt bad for speaking so quickly, but thinking about it more, I still stand extremely firm to my agreement with his statement!

I sincerely do not like to base feelings for the opposite sex upon looks. Examples of how I react to different situations will best illustrate how I feel...

Tonight while driving away from swing dancing I said, "And so many people who swing dance are Christians!!"
A friend said, "Ya, the guy I danced with went to this awesome Christian retreat."
I said: "I danced with a guy who is working at a Bible camp all summer!"

I immediately felt bad after saying that. I felt like we were putting guys on a "likable list" right after meeting them, and that is something I do not like at all! I hate the thought of liking someone before I really understand that their heart is completely for God. (Usually this takes me a very very long time to figure out!) Thinking about it more, I know we were just excited about the possibility of getting to know these guys better (as friends first.) I just felt bad about the conversation because we reminded me of people who are quick to like someone based upon appearance.

Recently a friend told me how a girl he danced with was beautiful. I was like "What?! What do you mean beautiful? To me beautiful has to do with someone's soul." I explained to him how I can't like someone unless I know they are crazy about God and, similarly, how much of a turn off it is to me when someone flirts with me without truly understanding what is in my heart.

When I am told I look nice I admit it really makes me feel really good, but it only makes me feel good if it is from friends or people who respect me for who I am inside more than who I am outside. I ironically struggle like crazy with low self-esteem and low body image, so hearing people say I look nice amazes me. Even so, I would SO MUCH rather hear that I am a loving person, good friend, or a dedicated follower of Christ.

I really enjoy Taylor Swift songs like "Stay Beautiful" or "I'd Lie." But when those songs refer to beautiful I think of someone with an extremely beautiful soul.

This year a friend told me I should see my appearance as beautiful because God created me. I do agree that God created EVERYONE beautifully and that I should recognize that in myself. I already easily recognize it in everyone else!

If friends talk about liking someone because they are good looking, I will still respect them, but I will look at these feelings as a flaw. I don't look down on anyone for having flaws because I know I have just as many flaws if not more than they do.

I firmly believe it is not right to like a boy or girl based upon appearance. I do not think it is good to talk about people as being "hott" or based upon appearance. I don't have celebrity crushes. I think people should be known by their heart for God and not their appearance."

you need that boy like a bowling ball

"You need that boy like a bowling ball
Dropped on your head
Which means not at all"





I love listening to Superchick's song "Bowling Ball" and BarlowGirl's song "Average Girl"


So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring

No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story

Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
Gods arms are the perfect place to run

Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep Gods
Preparing one for me






I get so sick of how many people in this world think they need to be in a relationship to be happy. NO. If you are not satisfied while you are single, you will not be satisfied in a relationship. God is the only One who completely satisfies us, no matter if we are in a relationship or single.

I am excited to be patient and wait for the one guy God is preparing for me. And in the process I get to enjoy being single and focusing on the true Love of my life: God. :)

me and liking guys

April 19, 2010

"I am a complete "all-or-nothing" person when it comes to homework, dancing, eating healthy, working out, cleaning, pictures, and basically anything that requires my energy. I will either give it my "all" or give it "nothing." I guess in a sense that is how I am with liking guys. I either am feeling really romantic and wanting to listen to Taylor Swift or I am feeling like I really don't want to like them at all. I also have to give all my feelings toward one person and give "nothing" or no romantic feelings toward anyone else. These are habits I am trying to break. The truth is liking someone scares me so much! I am so slow to let a guy know that I like him, or even to really like a guy at all. I feel I need to speed into a relationship faster if the guy acts like they like me, but doing that scares me A LOT. And even then, I am extremely slow and cautious!

Yep, so as of right now, I am leaving everything to God. I feel optimistic. I am not looking for a guy at all. I just see them as friends. If God wants me to like a guy, something big will need to happen. (I like feeling this way!) Time to listen to Christian music and focus on the true Love of my life---God!"

SCREAM.

July 21, 2009

SCREAM.

I've come to my lowest of lows again and again and again and again. I never imagined I would ever eat another dorito after yesterday, yet today I ate bags and bags. When I sit down to this stupid basement computer I feel compelled to crunch and crunch and crunch and crunch. It is not me. It isn't the Abby who loves fruit. Who loves to be 100 pounds. Who likes only healthy food. It is weird.. As I pop that first gross fatty chip into my mouth, I think: I want to lose weight, why am I doing this? It is like I know what I'm doing but can't control it.

30 pounds in one year--a ton of pounds in a few months--AAAAHHHHHH! I am so embarrassed. This is not me. I WILL be skinny by the time I go to college. In less than a month.

We wonder. Is it the medication? I will call that stupid lady tomorrow. Those stupid ladies are the ones who made me fat in the first place. They say I have an eating disorder. anorexia. They made me eat and eat fat to gain weight. But I just won't stop. Last time I saw them they were so happy....little did they know.

I felt okay today. Not as bad as yesterday, even though I ate way more today. But deep down I MISS DANCING. It tears my heart to pieces. I cry with fear. Will I ever soar again? will I ever beat my legs? Will I ever jump off the ground? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED HELP.

I don't want to do this again tomorrow.

One piece of fruit, one lean cuisine, and a tiny bit of supper, and more fruit, that is IT.

This isn't me.





-------------------------------

"Did you feel, feel it break?
From all the weight of your mistake?
You never knew how much it cost.
Feels like your innocence is lost.
So much for the perfect life!
So much for the perfect day!
It’s like no matter how you try,
Perfection’s just too far away.


So lift them up,
to Me.
All the broken pieces.
All the broken pieces of your life.
To Me.
All the broken pieces.
All the broken pieces of your life.

Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you.
And no one loves you like I do.
That’s the beauty of this grace.
It can put the pieces back in place.
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways.

I can take even your greatest mistake.
Every scar, every tear, every break.
And I can turn it in to something more beautiful
Than you have ever seen.


So lift them up to Me."

typical day of senior year

Feb 7, 2009

"I feel lost. I constantly think about how "messed up" this year has been and how I just want to rip it out of its sockets and forget it even existed. I am not me. I sacrifice day after day and minute after minute of my life to taking pictures, editing them, designing pages, brainstorming, searching, questioning, etc. for the yearbook. This 40 hour or more weekly commitment has been both what keeps me sane and what causes stress, fatigue, sickness, and meltdowns.

I have become a whirlwind of expectations from my parents: driving my sisters everywhere (I don't have any control of my time which leaves me constantly worried and unhappy), cleaning my room and the basement, not leaving anything around, not eating or drinking on the computer, gaining weight/eating a lot, only exercising three hours a day max with a day off, eating supper with my family, sleeping more, etc.

I have a constant worry and fear about displeasing my family or making them angry. I can't wait to be out of this house. I know my problems won't disappear, but I can only imagine how nice it will be to not suffer under expectations.

Due to this stress, I am never able to practice dance at home because my body doesn't want to move in the perfect way I want it to. I have begun terrible eating patterns with barely anything eaten in the morning and a huge binge at night. Last night I ate at least half a bag of cheerios, five servings of soy nuts, two granola bars, one jar of salsa, and I don't remember what else, but probably plenty more. As I write I am munching, even though I want to reverse this trend with big breakfasts and little snacks through out the day to keep my energy high.

This lazy person with a layer of fat all over her body (and with a much fatter stomach than ever before) is not me. I want to be active and to DANCE and live my way!"

letting go of dance obsession

Tears streamed down my face as I walked out of the room toward my mom, embarrassed, unhappy, and disgruntled. I was almost fourteen years old and hated myself for crying in front of all the girls I had just met. I guess I hated myself for crying, period. My perfectionistic wish to do everything right had really kicked in on that first day of ballet. I did not try to cry, but the tears came. I was frustrated by the fact that my body wasn’t moving the way it was supposed to and by the fact that everyone else knew what they were doing, while I no clue about a single step.

Even though the only reason I was taking ballet was to move up in jazz, during the next semester I constantly annoyed my sister with questions about ballet and was frequently frustrated. I had no idea it was going to be so complex! I could tell ballet was not easy for me at all. By the time I moved up to my first 90 minute long ballet class in the middle of ninth grade, I was starting to realize my love for the art. I loved how I could feel my muscles growing as I relevéd again and again at the barre and how my adrenaline soured as I spun, slid, jumped, and leaped across the floor. Christian music flowed through my veins as I lifted my whole body into praise for the Lord. Even though dancing brought so much joy, I understood perfectly well how far behind I was from everyone else who started when they were tiny, including my sister who is four years younger than me. I made it my goal to practice as much as I could in order to catch up to all the girls my age and pass up my younger sister.

The more I practiced the better it made me feel. Working hard at school and other things had never made me feel as good as improving at this most challenging endeavor. As I started to try summer dance camps, including the seven hours of dancing a day experience at International Music Camp, I realized dancing all day made me the happiest girl on the planet. I started making lists of little goals for every day such as jumping higher, turning out more, improving my arms, etc. All of this dancing only brought one downside: it ripped me away from enjoying anything else in life. The desire to dance completely plagued my brain day in and day out, making me unable to enjoy any time spent away from what I wished to accomplish (dancing and homework). I was unwilling to spend any time helping my family with chores, watching movies with them, eating supper with them, talking to them, etc. without unhappily wanting to dance at the same time. I constantly worried about my parents or sisters getting angry at me for dancing through the kitchen, and I constantly tried to plan out every little minute of the day in my head and became frustrated as my plans never worked out. Most days out of the week my little sleep and large amount of exercise made me feel energized and happy. However, at least one day a week I would be miserably low from tiredness and would breakdown extremely easily. My parents began to worry about my weight and other health aspects and constantly tried to limit my amount of dancing. Their concern made me even more determined to work as hard and long as it could.

What started out as a few innocent hours of dancing, eventually turned into a full-fledged intense six hour a day workout a few years later. This all seemed fine until about the beginning of senior year, when I began to feel tired and weak all the time. I was miserable as I walked around, unable to dance and feeling sad and angry much of the time. I would try day after day to eat a ton of food and to rest so that I could dance, but no energy would ever come. Finally one day I realized I needed to put praying and helping my family first and then God would bless me with the ability to dance for as long as He wanted. I now have learned to pray and to help with chores first and to trust in God with my dancing. I have more energy than I have for a long long time and am dancing at my best ever. This is by only going to dance classes for 1-3 hours during four days of the week. I now use my life to explore all my talents: photography, school, helping others, loving God, and dance. I choose not to go overboard with any of them, but to find balance in my life. I teach dance now and have come to realize that resting is more important than practicing in terms of performance. I know that I should stop practicing, as I usually have classes to assist the next day.

Each day is still a struggle, as I long to feel that adrenaline rush and as I long to feel like I am improving every day. When I feel sad, busy, or tired I turn to God and pray that He will help me dance. I am learning to trust in God and not in my practicing. As long as I am making a difference in the world by helping out my parents, sharing my faith, making people smile with my photography, and teaching little girls to worship God through dance, I know my day has been worthwhile.

Free Spirit

At 4:35 a.m. the average teenager snores as she enters the middle of her sleep cycle, wrapped in blankets and visiting dreamland. However, at 4:35 a.m. I throw off my blankets as Christian music hums in my ears and rush downstairs to toast my bagel. I prefer to head off to school with a feeling of accomplishment and exhilaration, due to practicing dance, not a feeling of tiredness and gloom like many classmates exhibit.

When I started ballet almost four years ago dancing changed from a fun way to exercise into a passion. I am not blessed with athleticism or flexibility, so striving to improve my dancing is my greatest challenge. Some people like to remind me that I started too late and will never reach the level of excellence I aim for. I just smile and say to myself, “All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me,” and “If there’s a will there’s a way.”

Along with dance, another passion occupies an equal portion of my heart: photography. Both elate my spirits more than anything else. I dream of not only elating my spirits but of touching many hearts through these art forms. I see myself using dance and photography in my ultimate desire to spread God’s love to others.

Currently I attend a Christian dance school where we worship God through dancing and share His message with audiences. I hope to teach others how to worship through dance and to inspire people through my passionate movements. Dance will always be a part of my life, through either teaching or taking classes on the side of my other occupations.
As well as inspiring people through dance, I anticipate touching people with my photographs. I believe photography provides a glimpse into another’s heart. Photographs open our minds to others’ feelings in a beautiful and powerful way. I will stir others’ emotions with photographs either by working for a newspaper, studio, or teaching photography.

Currently as Editor-in-Chief of our yearbook, I help tell stories within our school. My goals to use the most emotion filled and highest quality photographs often conflict with designers’ goals to keep the action looking into the page or to keep the design consistent. No other Editor-in-Chief before me has striven for the amount of coverage we are trying for or has gotten to know each staff member on a personal level as I have. Because my staff listens to me and respects me, we are placing much more emotion filled photographs on our pages. I do not want another mediocre book but want to soar ahead, covering all the nooks and crannies of our school and filling the pages with the highest quality design, stories, and photographs.

When I crawl into bed at 10 p.m. I like to know my dreams are coming true because I dared to give people a glimpse of another’s heart through photographs and dared to share God’s love through dancing.

Forever dancing for Jesus in my heart

(May 25, 2011)

Back in 2008 I danced too much. Was way too hard on myself. Wouldn't always let myself just let go, relax, and dance not for anyone and not for myself, but for Jesus.

... But even back then, I knew that. And for a lot of the time I truly would let go, completely enjoying the glorious, glorious time with Him.

That is why I danced. That is why it felt wonderful.

It was like a glimpse of Heaven. A glimpse of dancing with Jesus.
Praising Him, thinking about His great love.
I danced to give others a chance to see His love and beauty.
To praise and worship Him for all to see!!!


... With every limb of my body, and every ounce of energy (which was A LOT of energy), I put my all into glorifying His name through my movements.


... And now today, I am so thankful for all those hours I spent with Him. With the beautiful beautiful songs about Him. I would spend hours upon hours deeply thinking about all the words of Christian songs as I danced to them. I still hunger to listen to, sing, and dance to more and more beautiful Christian songs.

... Lately I am going back to my old CDs to listen. The lyrics fill me with so much joy and peace. There is no room for any anxiety or fear. It all melts away. Thinking about His grace and giving Him all my stupid fears whenever they try to consume me seriously makes me feel like I am on anxiety medication, even though I haven't taken any kind of medication for a few years!! I feel filled with an overwhelming, lasting peace beyond my understanding.



And a few times this summer, I have danced.

Danced around the apartment.
Hardcore.
With everything I have.


Not for me. Not for anyone else. But for Jesus.
Loving every precious moment with Him.


No matter where I am, when I think about this song I used to dance around to back in 2008, my heart swells with joy and love for Jesus. I loved Him back then, but now I have been captivated by His grace. Every song I used to dance to and sing means more and more every day, as I fall harder and harder, deeper and deeper, in love with my Jesus. As I read His Word more and more.


I'm overwhelmed by His forgiveness. For me, a selfish, horrible sinner.

His mercy is beautiful.




Here is a song I danced to back then. The words came strait from my heart to Jesus then, and mean even more when I sing them in my heart to Jesus now.







"I will understand
If they can't comprehend
All of the time we spend
'Cause it's beautiful

When You speak to me
Whispering softly
Love sweet melodies
That are beautiful

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they just don't know what You do to me

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they'll never know
What You do to me

Clothing me in righteousness
Lord, I must confess
I hold You to Your promises
That are beautiful

You've become my everything
Your presence makes me weak
'Til there are no words to speak
But "Oh so beautiful"

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they just don't know what You do to me

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they'll never know
What You do to me


They don't really know what You do to me
They don't understand how You make me free
When we're all alone and it's me and You
There's not enough expression for the things You do

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they just don't know what You do to me

I'm in love with You
So in love with You
And they'll never know
What You do to me"



...


Right now, I am so happy with where God has me at MSUM, out living and loving instead of in dancing all the time. But no matter where I am and what I am doing, I am often dancing in my heart for Jesus...

And one day we will dance in Eternity. :)

mission statement

I see someone walking toward me, about half a block away. There’s a hop in her step and her head’s held high. Her hair is tightly pulled back in a round flat bun atop her head. She’s wearing a mini green sweater and bright purple leg warmers. There’s something familiar about the “Dance 24/7” bag she’s waving in her arm. Seeing my strange glance she puts out her hand, “Hi I’m Abby Paul. I’ve been a trainee at Ballet Magnificat for two years now, and I’ve been enrolled in college for four years getting degrees in theology, education, and dance. How do you do?”

Looking into the future excites me. I can’t wait to see what my life will become five years from today. Not only do I want to achieve greatness in the future, but I also want to live each present day to the fullest.

My main goal in life is to reach Heaven. I believe loving Jesus and following His example is the one way to get there. Loving others, worshiping God, and helping those in need are important to me. I attend a Christian dance studio and dancing is my favorite way to worship God and share the joy of his love with others. I do this by practicing at home, dancing at the studio, or performing on stage, all while listening to Christian music and passionately giving my moves to Him. I love others by complimenting, encouraging, and respecting them, no matter who they are. Through volunteer work with Key Club and church I feed those who are hungry, visit the elderly, and help out in other various ways in the community.

An influential person, who has helped shape who I am, is my dance teacher Joni. She is faithful, passionate, joyful, confident, encouraging, and sometimes crazy. Joni is a strong female leader who started her own business, which is still thriving and growing. She is not afraid to share her faith with anyone she meets, and she shines with every move like no dancer I have ever seen. She controls her class in a firm but kind way and is an awesome example to girls by wearing stylish but modest clothing. By learning from Joni’s example, I have gained confidence in my faith and who I am. I am not afraid to show my faith in public because I imagine how Joni would not shy away from voicing her belief. Watching her dance always gives me awe and sparks the desire to put just as much passion into every move as she does.

Right now, as a daughter, sister, student, dancer, and friend, I can start using my talents to live the way I yearn to. I am a very motivated, hardworking, determined, and results oriented person. I became this way because of a new adoration of dancing in the ninth grade when I started ballet. Starting at such an old age, my desire to dance amazingly seems almost unreachable. I have learned to cherish every moment and make the most of my time in order to practice as much as possible. I use these traits in school to put in my best effort and as much time as I can to study and keep my grades up in order to possibly gain a scholarship in the future.

I am also faithful, passionate, encouraging, caring, conscientious, and trustworthy. My faith in God helps me to live joyfully and remember to think about the feelings of others. I try to show my love to my family by eating supper with them every night and thanking them for all they do. I love to encourage not only my friends and family but strangers as well.

To reach Heaven and best live the life God has planned for me, I can look at my personal mission statement each day. I created a personal mission statement in Youth Leadership last year. It states, “I strive to live a life full of faith, hope, and love and lead others to do the same. As Chris Tomlin says in ‘The Way I was Made,’ ‘I want to live like there’s no tomorrow. I want to dance like no one’s around. I want to sing like nobody’s listening, before I lay my body down. I want to give like I have plenty. I want to love like I’m not afraid. I want to be who I was meant to be. I want to be the way I was made.’”

stress and fatique in junior year

Nov 27, 2007

"I hate falling asleep in Biology. Sitting there, tapping my foot like mad, opening my eyes wide as they slide shut over and over. My body falls asleep first, then my head. I HATE it! I get so tired and cannot function. Today was a big, exhausting day. I conquered hopefully my hardest task of junior year: my Church and State debate. I did fumble, but many (Thomas F, Taylor B, Beatrice, Ashley R, and Andrea V) were seen by me smiling in the audience. I beat the biggest loud-mouth in our class.. I didn't care so much about winning, just getting it over! I was congratulated a lot though, by people not in my class! :) I'm SO STRESSED over the Civil War and cell cycle TESTS Friday. There are dance pictures and sisters' choir concerts galore this week. It's TERRIBLE! MAJORLY NEED SLEEP!"

Nov 28, 2007

"My brain aches. I'm worn down below the brim. I can't think straight, my hands are bloody and full of cracks that singe and sting, my lips are chapped, my back hurts in tension, my brain feels rushed, my legs are happy to finally be pedaling after sitting so long, my nose is stuffed, my head feels heavy, my body is in denial because it needs sleep SO BADLY. I'm confused about how much to eat at a time such as this. Trying to tell my dad how I feel was just about the most absurd act I committed all day. He holds not an ounce of understanding, and our arguments lead to him saying, "This is the least stressful time of your life. You girls get away with doing so little around the house it's not even funny!" Thanks A LOT DAD!! Hearing him makes me want to cry, scream, pull out my hair, and sink into depression. I hate the fact that this happens Wednesday after Wednesday, and Religious Ed. is the one thing I always feel like must be sacrificed. I see it as very unbeneficial, as we get nothing accomplished. I WISH I COULD GO SO BAD! Why am I the only person this stressed?! I need God's help!"





Looking back now, I can clearly see I was the anxious monster. My dad was loving and wise. I am sorry for any stress my anxiety and selfishness brought to my family. I am thankful that all these stupid lows always brought me to God and prayer. I am thankful for all the lessons I eventually learned. Sorry it always takes me so long to learn!!


 

humorous entry from 2007

Nov 25, 2007

"Most days I write about in here will be horrible. Anxiety, worry, selfishness, depression, and over-obsession will fill up these pages. Today, however, was not all terrible. I woke up to some extremely peppy praise music and had a good Bible read. I was ready to go after about two hours and ten minutes of riding exercise bike (while eating my delicious toasted whole wheat bagel with raspberry "light n' fit" yogurt on top, 1/4 cup soy nuts, and an apple), showering, studying while blowdrying my hair and riding exercise bike, getting dressed, eating carrots, packing pumpkin seeds, brushing my teeth, and getting everything together. As I grabbed my phone I saw that "Ugh, I got some texts!" Sally* was telling me we had to meet for Key Club at 8, wrecking my plans to look at a review power point for history class.

On my way I got my first speeding ticket! I will never speed up as I reach the speed limit sign again (or speed up to five miles over the speed limit). Both of which are what I was taught! That guy was out to get me! I was calm and relaxed though... School was nice. It was good for me to be around so many relaxed people. How do they do it? I found out I had to go speak at a Kiwanis meeting about Key Club with Ann and Merema. That turned out to be delicious (salad bar at Cashwise) and fun. Dance was awesome tonight. Through all the fondues and chaos, Monday night class has turned into such a family. I'm sad I don't get to be in it anymore after Christmas! What'll I do?"

idolizing friends

Tues April 18, 2006

"Ugh…I am pooped (utterly exhausted!) I feel as I always do by the end of a school day---dead. I need to get out a few of my millions of rambling thoughts that I can feel tearing through my mind.

I know I really love someone when I feel extremely jealous, sad, and disappointed when I have been anticipating seeing, talking, and sitting with them all day, only to find them already sitting with someone else.

I have only had that sad/jealous/makes me wanna cry feeling with two main people this year: Joey* and Lily*. Lately I feel like with most people, especially Lily, I never know what to talk about or say. I am too dead all the time, and I feel kinda disconnected from everyone. Is that why she sat with that other girl? Is she bored of me? Is she trying to signal that she is better friends with her other friends than me? Why did she sit there when there were so many other seats available? I feel like crying. I know I am probably way over reactive and jealous, but I would do anything and everything to make sure Lily* could sit by me. And if for some weird reason someone else asked to sit by me, I would make sure there was somewhere next to me she could sit. I even mentioned to Lily that I would see her on the bus. Does she like the fun, outgoing, loudness of the other girls better than me?

I am achy, my ears are plugged, and I feel weak and tired. How fun.

Love,
Abby"


It is very clear to me how immature a lot of my thoughts were as a freshman in high school. I think it is easy for us to idolize our friends or look for them to satisfy us in ways only God truly can. If this were to happen to me today, I like to think I would happily spend the bus ride in prayer. Also, I have now learned not to worry that I usually only talk when deep topics are being discussed. It is my personality, and I am happy with it! I usually talk a ton if I am with someone one-on-one, but I always enjoy listening more than talking when I am in group situations.

The whole weak and achy thing was totally due to anxiety. Pain in my ears is a common side effect of anxiety for me. Feeling weak or "dead" was probably due to both anxiety and not eating enough.


----------

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."
-James 3:16

stressed about time

Fri April 14, 2006 (continued)

“I am not the average female freshman. I’m shy and quiet. I’m a huge thinker---I never stop thinking. I have different values than most of them as well. I try super hard in skool to get good grades and I’m in some really hard classes. High school is hard. I get very stressed and worried a lot. My biggest problem that I let overpower my life is not having enough time. That is something I struggle with every second of every day. I am a very hard worker and never let myself relax. I do not see myself as lazy whatsoever. I try very hard to be a kind and helpful person. Sometimes my stress over time gets in the way of that though.”

A few more hours is all that I need

Seems that there just enough days in the week

But then it hits me:

Time is not the answer

You've given me all the time in the world




All that I need is...

A little more Life in my day

A little more of Your Life

A little more faith


Need a little more Life in my day

A little more Life to show me the way

If I'm gonna be in the world but not be of it

Lord I need more of You in all that I do

With a little more Life in my day"



-"Life In My Day" by NewSong

"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest."
-Luke 12:25-26


Time is something that gets to us so easily! I still struggle with not wanting to waste any time. I guess the biggest problem I have is constantly wanting to and trying to do too much at once. I am also too perfectionistic, so everything often takes me about seven times longer than it takes everybody else. But I have definitely learned to relax this year. I am so thankful for the wonderful examples I have found in my new Christian friends! Even if I wouldn't have joined LCM, I was already well on mend. I am way more relaxed today than I ever thought I would be, and it is amazing!

God really can change us if we believe He will.

me at 14

Fri April 14, 2006

“Hi. I don’t know who you are or why you are reading this, but be ready to get to know me better than probably anyone on this earth. Of course the only One who really understands me, probably better than I understand myself, is God.

My name is Abby Marie Paul. I am 14 years old. I have long dark blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin, a nice flat stomach, muscle-y legs with a nice shaped butt, I have kinda muscle-y arms but they are really bony towards the wrist, I have small hands and size 7 ½ feet. I am 5’3 and weigh 98-102 pounds. I like how I look. I have clear skin, naturally strait teeth, and good vision. I have worked hard to look how I do and try to stay the same—a little more muscle wouldn’t be minded even though I’m very muscle-y already.

The most important things to me are my Faith (Catholic), Family, Friends, and being healthy. I started ballet last year. This year dancing has become my passion. I belong to Messiah Dance Theatre, which is a religious dance group. I am not as good of a dancer as I would like to be but I’m getting pretty good this year.

I’m really into living healthy and getting enough exercise and eating healthy. I’ve been addicted to exercise since last year and get as much as I can---30 mins to 2 ½ hours usually. I eat how I should---I love good food. I eat a ton of fruits and veggies and when I’m around them I can’t stop eating them. I also love our school lunches and I love all our wonderful home-cooked meals. Especially the ones from our garden! I do not eat like the average girl in my class and some of their eating habits annoy me. I love cooking and am obsessed with recipes. I have a collection of recipe books and magazines. "






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"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"

-Matthew 6:25

Yep. This definitely describes my horrible selfish thoughts as a freshman. I would never ever say anything about my butt out loud by the way. (or anything good about any part of my body) But these are the true wordly thoughts in the head of a mildly anorexic girl, who wishes to be nothing but muscle. (I suppose severely anorexic people only wish to be skin and bones---which was never my desire.) I am very glad God had me go through stress eating, which was opposite of this disorder. Constantly eating junk food and having more fat on my body than I ever had in the past really opened my eyes. I realized it doesn't matter what I look like or what I eat. God still loves me and sees me as beautiful, and that is all that matters. :)

guys on the mind at 13

Tues March 8, 05

"I am 13 and I have never done a single thing with a guy. That's OK cuz I really don't wanna rush into things or do stuff too young. But I still daydream bout guyz constantly---I hope someone likes me even if it's a guy like Sam* or somethin!

Love,
Abs "



It is sad how rooted into a middle schooler's mind it is that they are only worth something if they have a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend." (or in my case just someone who liked them) I truly believe what I read in "When God Writes Your Love Story." I think we should patiently wait for the one person God puts in our lives, rather than dating and sharing physical affection with multiple people. We first need to be content with God as the only One who can satisfy our longings before we make the mistake of looking for a partner to fill the hole in our hearts.

Callie the kitten

June 16, 2001

"Dear Diary,

I got a kitten the night before last. I thought it was the best in the world. But today we found out it has a bad sickness. I don’t think I can have it anymore! I’m crying right now. The kitten was lost this morning. We found it in the barn. It bit me. Blood got everywhere. Now it just bites on the milk dish. It won’t eat or drink. I felt like God wanted me to get it. Maybe He didn’t want the other kittens to get sick! :(

Love,
Abby”

Running barefoot towards the red barn, Abby is all smiles. It is time to go play with her very own kitten! As she creaks up the stairs to the dusty hayloft she calls out. “Callie, here kitty, kitty, kitty...” When she doesn’t see her kitten right away, she starts looking under boards and below all the holes in the floor. By this time she can hear a desperate and painfully loud meow coming from the room. Finally she lifts up a bale of hay and reaches for the kitten. The kitten clings to her thumb, sending blood gushing to the floor. Abby tries to pry the kitten off of her thumb, but her razor sharp teeth remain inside Abby’s thumb. By this time Abby is what her mom calls “screaming for bloody murder.” She even dangles the cat for a few seconds by just her thumb! After a few horrendously long minutes, Abby is finally able to pry the kitten from her finger, and run back to the house. That is the last she saw of Callie.

INTRO/little girl at church

It is 7:15pm Friday June 4, 2010. I am a 19-year-old girl not afraid to admit she is a bit unique….

Here I sit. Pedaling as hard as I can on a broken exercise bike, desperately trying to rid myself of this consuming adrenaline. The thought “I just want to write!” is screaming out of every atom in my body. The desire and energy within in me is so strong. I feel like ripping my hair out or running three miles or…

Okay, so I am giving in. It is time to begin. But I don’t know where to start! I want to start from the beginning. Dig to some early moments. I will be using real excerpts from journals throughout the years. I am going to be as honest as possible. In fact, a bit too honest. I am here to expose every flaw.

“I am at cherch. My mom is practsen for cuier. I put the books on the puse. Today it is May 10 1998.”

Abby dangles her petite legs beneath her. Tracing the strong wooden arches of the pew with her hands, she pictures rolling green hills in her mind. A whisper suddenly awakens her from her dream.

“May I dare to sit next to you, little girl?”

Soon the yellow haired child is swallowed by a sea of grays and whites.

After church Abby explores the vast trunk of her family’s Ford Explorer. Rushing back to the church, her mind races.

“I want some Holy Water for myself, just like Grandma. Now I can really baptize Blacky!”

But before the second washcloth is fully emerged, she is startled by a fierce tug at her wrist.

“What do you think you’re doing young lady?!! That rag doesn’t belong in there!”

Abby felt tears surface on her eyes as she shakily walked back to the car with her soaking washcloths.

“How could that quiet old lady suddenly turn into the Wicked Witch of the West? Why was she so mean to me?? I wasn’t trying to do anything wrong.”