Tues April 18, 2006
"Ugh…I am pooped (utterly exhausted!) I feel as I always do by the end of a school day---dead. I need to get out a few of my millions of rambling thoughts that I can feel tearing through my mind.
I know I really love someone when I feel extremely jealous, sad, and disappointed when I have been anticipating seeing, talking, and sitting with them all day, only to find them already sitting with someone else.
I have only had that sad/jealous/makes me wanna cry feeling with two main people this year: Joey* and Lily*. Lately I feel like with most people, especially Lily, I never know what to talk about or say. I am too dead all the time, and I feel kinda disconnected from everyone. Is that why she sat with that other girl? Is she bored of me? Is she trying to signal that she is better friends with her other friends than me? Why did she sit there when there were so many other seats available? I feel like crying. I know I am probably way over reactive and jealous, but I would do anything and everything to make sure Lily* could sit by me. And if for some weird reason someone else asked to sit by me, I would make sure there was somewhere next to me she could sit. I even mentioned to Lily that I would see her on the bus. Does she like the fun, outgoing, loudness of the other girls better than me?
I am achy, my ears are plugged, and I feel weak and tired. How fun.
Love,
Abby"
It is very clear to me how immature a lot of my thoughts were as a freshman in high school. I think it is easy for us to idolize our friends or look for them to satisfy us in ways only God truly can. If this were to happen to me today, I like to think I would happily spend the bus ride in prayer. Also, I have now learned not to worry that I usually only talk when deep topics are being discussed. It is my personality, and I am happy with it! I usually talk a ton if I am with someone one-on-one, but I always enjoy listening more than talking when I am in group situations.
The whole weak and achy thing was totally due to anxiety. Pain in my ears is a common side effect of anxiety for me. Feeling weak or "dead" was probably due to both anxiety and not eating enough.
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"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing."
-James 3:16
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
stressed about time
Fri April 14, 2006 (continued)
“I am not the average female freshman. I’m shy and quiet. I’m a huge thinker---I never stop thinking. I have different values than most of them as well. I try super hard in skool to get good grades and I’m in some really hard classes. High school is hard. I get very stressed and worried a lot. My biggest problem that I let overpower my life is not having enough time. That is something I struggle with every second of every day. I am a very hard worker and never let myself relax. I do not see myself as lazy whatsoever. I try very hard to be a kind and helpful person. Sometimes my stress over time gets in the way of that though.”
“I am not the average female freshman. I’m shy and quiet. I’m a huge thinker---I never stop thinking. I have different values than most of them as well. I try super hard in skool to get good grades and I’m in some really hard classes. High school is hard. I get very stressed and worried a lot. My biggest problem that I let overpower my life is not having enough time. That is something I struggle with every second of every day. I am a very hard worker and never let myself relax. I do not see myself as lazy whatsoever. I try very hard to be a kind and helpful person. Sometimes my stress over time gets in the way of that though.”
A few more hours is all that I need
Seems that there just enough days in the week
But then it hits me:
Time is not the answer
You've given me all the time in the world
All that I need is...
A little more Life in my day
A little more of Your Life
A little more faith
Need a little more Life in my day
A little more Life to show me the way
If I'm gonna be in the world but not be of it
Lord I need more of You in all that I do
With a little more Life in my day"
-"Life In My Day" by NewSong
"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest."
-Luke 12:25-26
Time is something that gets to us so easily! I still struggle with not wanting to waste any time. I guess the biggest problem I have is constantly wanting to and trying to do too much at once. I am also too perfectionistic, so everything often takes me about seven times longer than it takes everybody else. But I have definitely learned to relax this year. I am so thankful for the wonderful examples I have found in my new Christian friends! Even if I wouldn't have joined LCM, I was already well on mend. I am way more relaxed today than I ever thought I would be, and it is amazing!
God really can change us if we believe He will.
me at 14
Fri April 14, 2006
“Hi. I don’t know who you are or why you are reading this, but be ready to get to know me better than probably anyone on this earth. Of course the only One who really understands me, probably better than I understand myself, is God.
My name is Abby Marie Paul. I am 14 years old. I have long dark blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin, a nice flat stomach, muscle-y legs with a nice shaped butt, I have kinda muscle-y arms but they are really bony towards the wrist, I have small hands and size 7 ½ feet. I am 5’3 and weigh 98-102 pounds. I like how I look. I have clear skin, naturally strait teeth, and good vision. I have worked hard to look how I do and try to stay the same—a little more muscle wouldn’t be minded even though I’m very muscle-y already.
The most important things to me are my Faith (Catholic), Family, Friends, and being healthy. I started ballet last year. This year dancing has become my passion. I belong to Messiah Dance Theatre, which is a religious dance group. I am not as good of a dancer as I would like to be but I’m getting pretty good this year.
“Hi. I don’t know who you are or why you are reading this, but be ready to get to know me better than probably anyone on this earth. Of course the only One who really understands me, probably better than I understand myself, is God.
My name is Abby Marie Paul. I am 14 years old. I have long dark blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin, a nice flat stomach, muscle-y legs with a nice shaped butt, I have kinda muscle-y arms but they are really bony towards the wrist, I have small hands and size 7 ½ feet. I am 5’3 and weigh 98-102 pounds. I like how I look. I have clear skin, naturally strait teeth, and good vision. I have worked hard to look how I do and try to stay the same—a little more muscle wouldn’t be minded even though I’m very muscle-y already.
The most important things to me are my Faith (Catholic), Family, Friends, and being healthy. I started ballet last year. This year dancing has become my passion. I belong to Messiah Dance Theatre, which is a religious dance group. I am not as good of a dancer as I would like to be but I’m getting pretty good this year.
I’m really into living healthy and getting enough exercise and eating healthy. I’ve been addicted to exercise since last year and get as much as I can---30 mins to 2 ½ hours usually. I eat how I should---I love good food. I eat a ton of fruits and veggies and when I’m around them I can’t stop eating them. I also love our school lunches and I love all our wonderful home-cooked meals. Especially the ones from our garden! I do not eat like the average girl in my class and some of their eating habits annoy me. I love cooking and am obsessed with recipes. I have a collection of recipe books and magazines. "
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"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"
-Matthew 6:25
Yep. This definitely describes my horrible selfish thoughts as a freshman. I would never ever say anything about my butt out loud by the way. (or anything good about any part of my body) But these are the true wordly thoughts in the head of a mildly anorexic girl, who wishes to be nothing but muscle. (I suppose severely anorexic people only wish to be skin and bones---which was never my desire.) I am very glad God had me go through stress eating, which was opposite of this disorder. Constantly eating junk food and having more fat on my body than I ever had in the past really opened my eyes. I realized it doesn't matter what I look like or what I eat. God still loves me and sees me as beautiful, and that is all that matters. :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2005
guys on the mind at 13
Tues March 8, 05
"I am 13 and I have never done a single thing with a guy. That's OK cuz I really don't wanna rush into things or do stuff too young. But I still daydream bout guyz constantly---I hope someone likes me even if it's a guy like Sam* or somethin!
Love,
Abs "
It is sad how rooted into a middle schooler's mind it is that they are only worth something if they have a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend." (or in my case just someone who liked them) I truly believe what I read in "When God Writes Your Love Story." I think we should patiently wait for the one person God puts in our lives, rather than dating and sharing physical affection with multiple people. We first need to be content with God as the only One who can satisfy our longings before we make the mistake of looking for a partner to fill the hole in our hearts.
"I am 13 and I have never done a single thing with a guy. That's OK cuz I really don't wanna rush into things or do stuff too young. But I still daydream bout guyz constantly---I hope someone likes me even if it's a guy like Sam* or somethin!
Love,
Abs "
It is sad how rooted into a middle schooler's mind it is that they are only worth something if they have a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend." (or in my case just someone who liked them) I truly believe what I read in "When God Writes Your Love Story." I think we should patiently wait for the one person God puts in our lives, rather than dating and sharing physical affection with multiple people. We first need to be content with God as the only One who can satisfy our longings before we make the mistake of looking for a partner to fill the hole in our hearts.
Saturday, June 16, 2001
Callie the kitten
June 16, 2001
"Dear Diary,
I got a kitten the night before last. I thought it was the best in the world. But today we found out it has a bad sickness. I don’t think I can have it anymore! I’m crying right now. The kitten was lost this morning. We found it in the barn. It bit me. Blood got everywhere. Now it just bites on the milk dish. It won’t eat or drink. I felt like God wanted me to get it. Maybe He didn’t want the other kittens to get sick! :(
Love,
Abby”
Running barefoot towards the red barn, Abby is all smiles. It is time to go play with her very own kitten! As she creaks up the stairs to the dusty hayloft she calls out. “Callie, here kitty, kitty, kitty...” When she doesn’t see her kitten right away, she starts looking under boards and below all the holes in the floor. By this time she can hear a desperate and painfully loud meow coming from the room. Finally she lifts up a bale of hay and reaches for the kitten. The kitten clings to her thumb, sending blood gushing to the floor. Abby tries to pry the kitten off of her thumb, but her razor sharp teeth remain inside Abby’s thumb. By this time Abby is what her mom calls “screaming for bloody murder.” She even dangles the cat for a few seconds by just her thumb! After a few horrendously long minutes, Abby is finally able to pry the kitten from her finger, and run back to the house. That is the last she saw of Callie.
Sunday, May 10, 1998
INTRO/little girl at church
It is 7:15pm Friday June 4, 2010. I am a 19-year-old girl not afraid to admit she is a bit unique….
Here I sit. Pedaling as hard as I can on a broken exercise bike, desperately trying to rid myself of this consuming adrenaline. The thought “I just want to write!” is screaming out of every atom in my body. The desire and energy within in me is so strong. I feel like ripping my hair out or running three miles or…
Okay, so I am giving in. It is time to begin. But I don’t know where to start! I want to start from the beginning. Dig to some early moments. I will be using real excerpts from journals throughout the years. I am going to be as honest as possible. In fact, a bit too honest. I am here to expose every flaw.
“May I dare to sit next to you, little girl?”
Soon the yellow haired child is swallowed by a sea of grays and whites.
After church Abby explores the vast trunk of her family’s Ford Explorer. Rushing back to the church, her mind races.
“I want some Holy Water for myself, just like Grandma. Now I can really baptize Blacky!”
But before the second washcloth is fully emerged, she is startled by a fierce tug at her wrist.
“What do you think you’re doing young lady?!! That rag doesn’t belong in there!”
Abby felt tears surface on her eyes as she shakily walked back to the car with her soaking washcloths.
“How could that quiet old lady suddenly turn into the Wicked Witch of the West? Why was she so mean to me?? I wasn’t trying to do anything wrong.”
Here I sit. Pedaling as hard as I can on a broken exercise bike, desperately trying to rid myself of this consuming adrenaline. The thought “I just want to write!” is screaming out of every atom in my body. The desire and energy within in me is so strong. I feel like ripping my hair out or running three miles or…
Okay, so I am giving in. It is time to begin. But I don’t know where to start! I want to start from the beginning. Dig to some early moments. I will be using real excerpts from journals throughout the years. I am going to be as honest as possible. In fact, a bit too honest. I am here to expose every flaw.
Abby dangles her petite legs beneath her. Tracing the strong wooden arches of the pew with her hands, she pictures rolling green hills in her mind. A whisper suddenly awakens her from her dream.“I am at cherch. My mom is practsen for cuier. I put the books on the puse. Today it is May 10 1998.”
“May I dare to sit next to you, little girl?”
Soon the yellow haired child is swallowed by a sea of grays and whites.
After church Abby explores the vast trunk of her family’s Ford Explorer. Rushing back to the church, her mind races.
“I want some Holy Water for myself, just like Grandma. Now I can really baptize Blacky!”
But before the second washcloth is fully emerged, she is startled by a fierce tug at her wrist.
“What do you think you’re doing young lady?!! That rag doesn’t belong in there!”
Abby felt tears surface on her eyes as she shakily walked back to the car with her soaking washcloths.
“How could that quiet old lady suddenly turn into the Wicked Witch of the West? Why was she so mean to me?? I wasn’t trying to do anything wrong.”
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