who I am hates who I've been

I am still feeling really sad and angry at myself for how I messed up last night. I keep playing "Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K over and over. I did learn from my mistakes, and I am going to try with all my mite not to mess up or stress like that around my family again. I know I can do it with God's help. I am glad I haven't messed up like that for a VERY long time, and I know I will make sure not to do it again.



I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.


I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.


Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

selfish mess up

June 22, 2010

"I messed up today.

I was driving to go photograph an event, and I realized how much I was DREADING it SO much. I already am SO behind on photos (and I want to get a lot done before I come to the cities, so I am skipping Chi Alpha and swing dance and working on them tonight) and I just don't have the heart for this job anymore!!! I am such an all or nothing person that I just want to truthfully tell my boss how I feel so badly! I can't stand halfheartedly doing my work!! I know there are so many people who would love this job, and I REALLY don't want it anymore. Even saying it, I feel stupid. This is one of the best, most fun jobs out there--but I feel like who ever is doing it should be passionate about it and I'm NOT. I want to be working at a Bible camp so badly right now!! I know God didn't want that this summer, because my job has allowed me to stay in touch with people, but STILL. Tonight I just REALLY realized how much I want to be helping people instead of doing photojournalism work!!

While driving I was praying like crazy for God to help me find joy in my work. Lots of good songs came on the radio including "Open the eyes of my heart Lord." I tried to relate that song to taking photographs of everything that God has created beautifully. It sadly didn't motivate me though...

I got to the place and just did not want to get in there and take pictures!! I didn't want to ask people for signatures. I didn't even want to be there AT ALL. I was scared and stressed. I finally got to the point where I called Sheila*, knowing full well she would not be happy with me. Haha, she wasn't. She told me to SUCK IT UP. That I can't keep being a quitter, that I can't make such a bad reputation for myself, that no one else likes their job, etc.

I just feel like this is a job someone NEEDS to be passionate about. I feel horrible for not being passionate about it. I was when I signed up for it, but not now. I finally went out and halfheartedly took photos.

Driving home I was very annoyed with myself for feeling so unhappy about doing this job. I half felt God's love, joy, and peace inside me and half felt stress and anger at myself. When I got home I ate supper while reading the Bible, and I was stressed about wanting to get to work quickly on photos. My mom was trying to talk to me, and I was semi-ignoring her, which was not nice at all. Then my sister asked if she could use the computer in the basement, and I was like "I NEED to be down there the whole night!! I tried to tell mom I was coming back home, so she would have you be down there while I wasn't home." They got mad at me for not allowing her an hour of time down there, and I got very stressed and angry at them (and at myself for not being loving enough to let her have the hour). We kept arguing in anger, and finally my sister was like "fine, I won't use it." This was around the time when I was like, "Fine, you CAN use it." But she was like "No! Not after you were all like that."

Then I started down stairs, but I was so filled with anger (at myself and at them for not understanding me) that I ran around in a circle and ran right back up and started yelling at them that, "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW!!! I WANT TO BE HELPING PEOPLE, GOING TO CHI ALPHA, HANGING OUT WITH YOU GUYS!! THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE!! AND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I'VE CHANGED. THAT I AM ONLY THIS HORRIBLE, STRESSED, AND SELF-CENTERED PERSON AT HOME! UGH. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING LIKE THIS. I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO USE THE COMPUTER, BUT I ONLY HAVE TONIGHT TO WORK ON THESE. I WISH IT WASN'T LIKE THIS AT ALL. I HATE THIS!!"

Sorry for typing all in caps. I was hysterical though. And I feel HORRIBLE for it!! I don't want to be like that anymore!! I don't want my family to see me as stressed anymore!! And they did. It was not good. I have sinned, and I feel horrible.

But I feel better after writing this. I am asking God for forgiveness and am going to ask my sister and mom for it as well. I know I don't deserve it, and they will never believe I've changed after this.

Bah..."

June 23, 2010

"I apologized to my family, and I prayed to God a ton last night. The thing is I still feel very sad that I acted that way. I still feel stressed too. I woke up extremely exhausted. I feel like I barely have enough energy to walk around or function, but I am trying to fight it the best I can.

I really scared myself by acting this way. It scares me that I will be prone to stressing out and breaking down forever. It also scares me a little bit that my all-or-nothingness will hurt me in the future.

I have realized a lot though. I am glad I have this job this summer. It has really shown me that my passion really HAS changed, and that excites me!! While I was taking photos at the event, I was just watching all the happy families there with their kids, and I was like "I want that!! I don't want to be the stressed out photographer anymore." This is seriously amazing!!! So much of my life I thought I would always be the determined dancer or photographer, living on my own, probably with out a family. Now I am so passionate about just being a loving person, and wife and mother someday, it isn't even funny!! (I guess deep down I think a part of me always wanted it, but I didn't know how to leave all my work behind.) God has REALLY changed my heart, and I am so filled with joy about this.

I am also glad this breakdown happened last night, because I DID learn from it. And I do plan to try my best to never let it happen again!!! I know that most of the time I never expect anything to go as planned anymore, but I still expected my plans to edit photos in the basement to work out--next time I just need to plan for my plans not to work and need to not get so focused on what I want to do.

All of the stress I was feeling last night was based on still having SO many photos to edit. I guess I am glad that I haven't been feeling very stressed at all about this until last night!! I would definitely choose having one horribly stressed evening over being stressed all the time. I am really glad I haven't been spending all my time on photos. I know all my time has been well spent. I also know I WILL get everything done eventually. I just need to lower my expectations for myself. I also need to learn how to do weddings way more efficiently and quickly if I ever want to do them again (which I really do)... I WILL learn.

I really really hope and pray that I don't break down like that again. I wasn't crying or wasn't as bad as I could've been, but still. I want to stay calm and loving all the time."