To be more like Christ: Approachable

I am reading the book my cousin Sarah gave me for Christmas called, "A Woman Who Reflects the Heart of Jesus" by Elizabeth George. As I read I am going to write a series of "To be more like Christ" posts. Ideas are taken from the book and modified into my own words. I've chosen to use Bible verses listed in the book as well as other verses to illustrate thoughts and ideas.





Dear LORD,
Please help me to become more and more like Jesus.




He is Approachable.
Always. Whenever, wherever.

"Let us therefor come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
-Hebrews 4:16

Approachable to the outcast.
Jesus didn't let who society thought He should or shouldn't talk to stop Him from helping everyone, especially the outcasts.

"A man with leprosy came to Him and begged Him on his knees, 'If you are willing, You can make me clean.'
Jesus was indignant. He reached out His hand and touched the man. 'I am willing,' He said. 'Be clean!' Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed."
-Mark 1:40-42

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
-Matthew 11:28

Approachable even while busy.
Even when Jesus was doing something of utmost importance, He stopped to help those who came to Him.

"A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that He had come home. They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and He preached the Word to them. Some men came, bringing to Him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralyzed man, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.'"
-Mark 2:1-5

Approachable to the concerned.
Even while busy. Even when He had just preached the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus went out of His way to help a high-ranking Roman military officer. Even though religious leaders could use helping the centurion as a way to condemn Him, Jesus was completely approachable to this man's concerns.

"When Jesus had finished saying all this to the people who were listening, He entered Capernaum. There a centurion’s servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to Him, asking Him to come and heal his servant. When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with Him, 'This man deserves to have You do this, because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue.' So Jesus went with them.
He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to Him: 'Lord, don’t trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have You come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to You. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.'
When Jesus heard this, He was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following Him, He said, 'I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel.' Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well."
-Luke 7:1-10

Approachable to those labeled unimportant or unworthy.
No one was unimportant to Jesus! He was a cheerful giver.

"People were bringing little children to Jesus for Him to place His hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, He was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And He took the children in His arms, placed His hands on them and blessed them."
-Mark 10:13-16

Approachable to those who are different.
Jesus was approachable to people of different ethnic backgrounds, cultures, race, sex, and religions. In the story of the "Faith of the Canaanite Woman" Jesus helps someone who is an outcast both by being a woman and a foreigner.

"Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to Him, crying out, 'Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.'
Jesus did not answer a word. So His disciples came to Him and urged Him, 'Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.'
He answered, 'I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.'
The woman came and knelt before Him. 'Lord, help me!' she said.
He replied, “'It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.'
'Yes it is, Lord,' she said. 'Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.'
Then Jesus said to her, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.' And her daughter was healed at that moment."
-Matthew 15:21-28

Approachable to the insincere.
Jesus was there for and told the Truth to people even when He knew they would not be willing to follow His advice. Notice how it says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him." Jesus loved the rich man and told him the Truth even though He knew his heart. Jesus knew this man would not be willing to give up his wealth for Him.

"As Jesus started on His way, a man ran up to Him and fell on his knees before Him. 'Good teacher,' he asked, 'what must I do to inherit eternal life?'
'Why do you call Me good?' Jesus answered. 'No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’
'Teacher,” he declared, 'all these I have kept since I was a boy.'
Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,” He said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me.'
At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth."
-Mark 10:17-22

Dear Jesus,

I know I have often appeared or been way too busy to to be approachable to people. Please change me. Change my heart. Make me like You. Thank you for always being there for me. Help me to be there for others. Help me to let You use me. I can't do anything good on my own. On my own I am selfish. Self-centered and too busy to love how You want me to. Use me, dear Jesus. Help me to tell others about You and Your love. Help me to show You to others. Speak through me. Help me be approachable to everyone.

I know I can't do anything good on my own, but with You as my strength, You can help me do anything.
Change me.
Make me more like You.

I love you LORD.

Be still.

He is calling me.
To a new adventure.
To rest.

To be captivated.
By Him!!

To shut everything else off.
Find Him in the quiet.
Time with Him and Him alone.

It's not about what I get done.
He is jealous for me.
Jealous for my time.

He just wants me to sit with Him.

To let Him lead.

He wants me to hear Him.
To be overcome by His beauty.

He wants to speak to me through the lyrics.
He wants me to listen.
Listen in the quiet.
He whispers.

Whispers,"Rest. Just rest. Rest in Me."

He wants me to see Him.
As I look to the painted sky.
In the sparkling snow that falls down around me.
In the trees blanketed with white.

To just close my eyes.
Take in the sound.
The beautiful song.
Him.

"Be still, and know that I am God..."
-Psalm 46:10

Thank you LORD.
There is nothing more beautiful.
Nothing more loving.
than You.

His love is strong.

.. So why do we let our selfishness, anxiety, and desires of the flesh consume us?
Why do we search for comfort in a world that has nothing to offer?
Why are we still searching for love?
Why do we always want more?
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
Why do we turn to food, video games, movies, and worldly music for comfort?
Why do we keep searching for another "high?"
Why do we expect "fun times" to give us lasting satisfaction?
Why do we look to relationships and interactions with others to fill us up?
His love is SO MUCH greater than any of it.



Why do our thoughts and actions not show that?

Fruit.

Ever since I can remember the Lord has really placed hunger for the fruits of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I remember belting, "I want your love, joy, peace, patience way down in my soul. Kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control," into a microphone while singing a solo in a musical we performed at a Hope Lutheran summer camp. Eight years later that lyric still goes through my head countless times every day.

"The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
-Galatians 5:19-23

God has given us the Holy Spirit to help us while we are still in this sinful world. We need to pray for Him to allow the Holy Spirit to work in us. Filling us with the fruits, ridding us of the sinful desires of our flesh. We have to choose to say "NO!" to our old ways of living, sins, selfish desires, wants, anxieties, etc. We need to ask God to help us become more and more holy. God calls us to rid ourselves of our old ways of living and become more and more like Jesus.

"What fruit did you have then in the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life.”
-Romans 6:19-22


“Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.”
-2 Corinthians 7:1

"It really is the Holy Spirit who will be the One to cause this type of transformation to occur in your personality. However, the Holy Spirit will not work without the Word. Why? Because the Word of God will give you the knowledge that you will need in order to be really able to work with the Holy Spirit in this process. You have to know exactly what it is that God wants to change about you before the Holy Spirit will move to cause some of these changes to start to take place in your personality.

The word “Spirit” is with a capital “S” – which means these 9 fruits are coming directly from the Holy Spirit, not from us. What this means is that God’s love, God’s peace, God’s joy and God’s goodness can start to be transmitted up into our personality. These are His attributes and personality qualities that will start to move into the core of our personality.Think about the ramifications of this – that God the Father Himself is allowing us to share in a part of His divine nature by allowing His Holy Spirit to transmit and impart these nine divine qualities right up into our soul and personality!"*




In the summer during middle and high school I would often wake up at 8am to go for a run. I remember going through the list in my head, reflecting on each fruit, and asking God to help me be more loving to my family, more patient with myself, etc. I still enjoy going through the list, reflecting and asking God for more. I always need to ask for more of every fruit, and I always need to ask God to forgive me and rid me of all of the sins and selfish desires I have on my plate. It is important to pray for others, but also to pray for ourselves. We need to pray for ourselves so that we are able to help, love, and show others Christ. God really will answer those prayers if we let Him.

I am going to make a list of all the fruits with a little bit of what the Bible and Bible commentaries say about each one. I am mainly doing this so I can come back and look at it to see what I need to ask the Holy Spirit to both rid and fill my heart with. ... Enjoy!







Love
1. Unselfish, benevolent concern for another; brotherly concern; the object of brotherly concern or affection

2. The self-denying, self-sacrificing, Christ-like love which is the foundation of all other graces

3. Unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the well being of another

4. The high esteem which God has for His human children and the high regard which they, in turn, should have for Him and other people

5. To love, to have affection for someone; to like; to be a friend; the love of brothers for each other




"Our abilities as fallen humans to love one another is very limited. This is why it is so important for each and every Christian to work very closely with the Holy Spirit to get this fruit worked up into the core of our personalities. It is only when the love of the Holy Spirit starts to flow and enter into our personalities can we even begin to love God, love ourselves, and love one another to the degree and to the intensity that God would like to see from each one of us." *

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Joy
1. Great delight; gladness of heart

2. The happy state that results from knowing and serving God

3. That deep, abiding, inner rejoicing in the Lord

4. To rejoice, to be glad

5. Happy, joyful, cheerful, rejoicing, festive





"Realize that God can transmit this divine quality right up into your personality – and this will be His joy, not your joy, once it starts to flow up into you. And once God starts to release His joy into your system, you won’t be able to help but feel it. And once you are able to start feeling it again, it will become much easier for you to learn how to walk back in it in your own daily walk with the Lord."*

"The joy of the Lord is your strength."
-Nehemiah 8:10

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
-Hebrews 12:2

Peace
1. The presence and experience of right relationships

2. The tranquility of soul

3. Sense of well-being and fulfillment that comes from God and is dependent on His presence

4. The inner tranquility and poise of the Christian whose trust is in God through Christ

5. Tranquility, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord





"I have found that once His peace starts to flow up into your mind, soul and emotions, it really is as the Bible says – a peace that surpasses all human understanding – especially when that peace comes in right in the middle of a severe storm cloud that you may be going through."*

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."
-Romans 5:1

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
-Romans 15:13

Longsuffering
1. Forbearance, patience

2. Patient endurance and steadfastness under provocation

3. Forbearance under ill-will, with no thought of retaliation

4. Patience, endurance, steadfastness and forbearance

5. Forbearance under suffering and endurance in the face of adversity

6. Ability to endure persecution and ill-treatment




"One of the ways of our God is that He is a very patient and longsuffering God. His ways are not our ways. And one of the things you will find out very early on about His ways is that He works on a much slower time frame than we do. And unless you learn to adjust to His slower way of working things out, you will find yourself easily losing your patience with Him and how He wants to work things out in your life.
God operates on a much longer and slower time frame than we are used to operating in the fast paced world in which we live in. You will really have to work with the Holy Spirit on this particular quality to get it properly worked up into your personality. The reason for this is that your own impatience will start to act up and try to override the patience and longsuffering that the Holy Spirit will try and transmit to you. At times, it may become of battle of wills – your will against His will."*

"We are "strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness."
-Colossians 1:11

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
-Ephesians 4:2

Kindness
1. Quality or state of being kind

2. The steadfast love that maintains relationships through gracious aid in times of need

3. Goodness of heart, serviceable, good, gracious, pleasant

4. Love for mankind, hospitality, acts of kindness, readiness to help, human friendship, benevolence, taking thought of others

5. Goodness in action, sweetness of disposition, gentleness in dealing with others, affability

6. The ability to act for the welfare of those taxing your patience




"This is a very beautiful quality to have transmitted up into your soul and personality by the Holy Spirit. Not only will you be able to touch others with this godly quality, but you will also be able to touch yourself – because you will feel so much better about yourself if you can learn how to treat others with much more kindness and respect in your daily dealings and affairs with them."*

We should live "in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left."
-2 Corinthians 6:6-7

Goodness
1. Beneficence, ready to do good, love in action

2. Kindness in actual manifestation, virtue equipped for action, a bountiful propensity both to will and to do what is good, intrinsic goodness producing a generosity and a Godlike state or being

3. The word beneficence means the fact or quality of being kind or doing good




"One of the key qualities a nonbeliever will pick up on in a solid Christian is this quality of goodness. This quality has an ability to really get down deep into the core of a believer’s personality. To those who really have this quality, you can tell that it is something operating deep down inside of them. This quality is not something that waivers like some of the other qualities can. These people are good down to their very cores of their personalities. You can see it and feel it when you get around these types of people.
A truly good person could not even begin to try and use you or manipulate you for their own personal gain because they are too good and too righteous to even begin to think along those lines. This is why these kinds of people are so trustworthy and why so many people are drawn to them – because you feel so safe by just being around them." *

"Wherefore also we pray always for you, that our God would count you worthy of this calling, and fulfill all the good pleasure of his goodness, and the work of faith with power."
-2 Thessalonians 1:11

"For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth"
-Ephesians 5:9

Faithfulness
1. Fidelity which makes one true to his promise and faithful to his task

2. Steadfast, dedicated, dependable and worthy of trust

3. Steadfast, unchanging and thoroughly grounded in relation to the other

4. Dependability, loyalty and stability




"God the Father really holds this particular quality in high esteem, and this is one quality that He will really expect you to operate very strongly in – not only in your own personal relationship with Him, but also in your other personal relationships with your family and friends. In other words, He wants you to be faithful and loyal to your spouses, to your children, to your parents, and to your good friends."*

"O Lord, thou art my God; I will exalt thee, I will praise thy name; for thou hast done wonderful things; thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth."
-Isaiah 25:1

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith."
-Ephesians 3:16-17

Gentleness
1. Mildness combined with tenderness

2. Gracious, kindly disposition, controlled strength

3. A disposition that is even-tempered, tranquil, balanced in spirit, unpretentious and that has passions under control

4. A character that is equitable, reasonable, forbearing, moderate, fair and considerate

5. Power and strength under control

6. Willing to pardon injuries, correct faults. One who rules his spirit well




"Since Jesus walked our earth as a man – the Son of Man – study His actions very carefully when you read the gospels and how He handled different types of people. There were times that He would engage and set people straight, like He did with some of the Scribes and Pharisees. But there were other times that He dealt with people very gently, with kindness and gentleness. His gentle way of handling some of these people is what really jumps out at you when you really study how He handled different types of people.
Once you really start walking in the Holy Spirit with His fruits operating and flowing through you – you will really be able to feel and sense when you should handle a certain person or a certain type of situation with more of a touch of gentleness rather than with any kind of stern rebuke or condemnation. There is a time for tough love – but there are also times that just a gentle and loving touch is all that is really needed to properly handle a certain situation."*

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."
-Galatians 6:1

Self-Control
1. Temperance, rational restraint of natural impulses

2. Sober, temperate, calm and dispassionate approach to life, having mastered personal desires and passions

3. Calls for a self-disciplined life following Christ’s example of being in the world but not of the world

4. Restraint or discipline exercised over one’s behavior




"The Bible tells us that our spirits and our flesh will war against each other in this life. Our flesh wants immediate self-gratification at all costs and will stop at nothing to try and get it. Our spirits know that some of our fleshly desires are not right for us and as a result, there will be a tug of war between the two – and sometimes it will be a major tug of war. And the only thing that will be able to curb and control some of the desires of our flesh is the quality of self-control.
If you are willing to yield to Him and allow Him to start to work all 9 of these fruits into your personality – then you will find yourself starting to grow in ways and in areas that you never thought were possible in this life. His supernatural power in this area will blow you away once you see how far He can really take you to become the person that God would like you to become in Him in this lifetime."*

"But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love."
-2 Peter 1:5-7

Thank You Lord for Your Word that teaches us what we should always be hungry for: Your Fruits of the Holy Spirit.


I love You LORD!
Thanks for Your AMAZING love.





*(http://www.bible-knowledge.com/fruits-of-the-holy-spirit/)
(definitions from Bible commentaries and dictionaries)

live for today

It is hard for me to truly have sympathy for people who say they are bored.


I constantly wish I could stop time. Stop everything. Be alone. and...


Really deeply study the Bible.
I want to understand. I want to know the stories. I want to get the big picture. I want to be able to quote scripture. To know what I'm talking about. I want to question every verse and research like mad. I have a never ending hunger for reading God's word. Knowing it. Talking about it. Living it. The hunger eats away at me. I am glad it is there. I am blessed that the hunger has been there for many years. It always makes me wish I had way more time in a day.

Read a ton of Christian books.
I want to to know how to live like Jesus. I want to understand what that means in every aspect of life. As a daughter, as a student, as a girl friend, wife, mother, sister of Christ, counselor, preacher, disciple, etc. I want to understand what God wants. I want to know how to help people in every area of their life and struggle. I know the Bible holds the answers, but I also constantly hunger to read what other Christians are writing.

Deeply study and write about my life.
I've always had the desire to document what I've been through and all the thoughts rushing through my packed brain. I have tons of journals and notebooks to go through. My room is a mess of old stuff. It would take a good year or more to go through everything, think about it, and write about it the way I want to. Every day I just want to write more and more, but I have to slow down and refocus on what needs to get done instead. Bah...!

Finish all the unfinished projects.
CLEAN. Organize. Edit photos. Go through clothes and boxes. Finish the millions of unfinished books and stories. Make stuff for people!!! Oh the countless ideas I have for gifts and things I would like to do and make for others.



I want to just press pause.
Fill this constant hunger for learning more about God.
And then come back to where I'm at.
Come back to doing what I want to do most: love and serve God.
Showing Christ to others.
Come back to being a student.
Come back to everything else.



But instead of pausing to do want I want before returning to real life, I have to slow down. Take it a day at a time. Do what God wants me to do today, right now, this instant. Above all, be at peace with just doing what matters: loving God and others.

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? ... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:27, Matthew 6:34

"You told me not to worry about what lies ahead, so I am gonna focus on today instead. Making every moment count and counting every single blessing. I'm gonna set my mind on the here and the now.This is what I want my life to be about...

I'm gonna live for today.
I'm gonna follow in Your way.
I'm gonna let my little light shine
like there's no tomorrow.
I won't worry about the past.
I know my future is intact.
So I'll choose to live my life one way:
I'm gonna live it for today."

-Live For Today by Natalie Grant

I love putting each day and each moment in God's hands. That brings me so much peace.





Dear God,
Please help my mind not to become anxious about getting things done.

My anxiety is purely selfish.
None of that stuff matters at all.
Only loving You with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength and showing others Your love matters.

Help me to want to do Your will.
Not mine, but Yours God.
You will help me do what You want me to.
I don't need to put pressure on myself at all.
Your love is AMAZING God.
I want to give every minute of every day to loving You, Lord.



Help me to live for today, God.
Help me not worry about any of my selfish desires.
Help me show You to others the way You desire.
I want to do everything in Your time, dear Lord.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11:28-30

Thanks for Your help God.
I love You LORD!!!

Sadness strikes again.

Sometimes I just don't get it.

Why?


Why am I attacked so much every day?
Why am I filled with so much sadness during this break??

It makes no sense at all.


I know all of God's promises.
And they bring me more than enough amazing joy and peace every day!!
I know how much God loves me.
I know my thoughts are all irrational.

But thoughts still plague me.
Eating at me.
Lately filling me with sadness.


Today the lies filled my head.
I'm a horrible girl friend.
I'm annoying.
I say too much.
I'm a horrible daughter.
I'm not interesting.
I'm not fun.
I"m too complicated.
I'm not there for people.
They think I don't love them.
They think I'm selfish.
I'm ugly.

I have too much I want to do.
I will never get it done.
Time is going too fast.

These thoughts are horrible.
Irrational.
All from anxiety and depression.

All NOT what God thinks.

"You are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful.

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful,
In His eyes."

-"Beautiful" by MercyMe

And NOT what Matt or my family or any of my friends think either.
They are opposite.


And they fill me with sadness and depression.
I know they are beyond stupid!!!
I don't want them.
I know they are NOT real.


I just keep praying.
Keep surrendering.
Keep praying.
Keep saying "No!"
I sing.
I pray.
I read.




I go downstairs to sing. Someone is already there. I'm scared to move, talk, or even be there. I say very softly, "I want to be down here, but I know I will annoy you, so I am not really sure what I should do." I was scared and weak. And the replied "You are ALREADY annoying me."

I couldn't stop the tears.
I feel so weak.
So stupid.

Why am I pitying myself so much?? There is NOTHING wrong with me. God has created me beautifully and wonderfully. God loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. I am blessed beyond compare with the extravagant, never ending, AMAZING love of Jesus my Savior, Heaven to look forward to, and with the most amazing and loving people in my life. I am so thankful for Matt, Kelsey, Amy, Kaitlyn, Jared, and ALL of my amazing brothers in sisters in Christ!!!! They show me God's love SO MUCH every day. I have NO REASON to feel any of the thoughts.

Yet I sat there and cried.
The pain of the past was back.
I failed.

My worst fear had come true.




...


But through it all I AM THANKFUL.
Thankful that the anxiety makes me so filled with joy over God's love.
Over the fact that God loves EVERYTHING about me!!!!

God never thinks of me as a failure.
Even when I feel like I am, He tells me the opposite.

"The LORD has appeared to us from afar saying:
'I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.'"
-Jeremiah 31:3

I am thankful for all of God's love that is poured out to me from friends.

I am thankful that I KNOW all these thoughts are wrong.
I am thankful HEAVEN is coming!!!

I am thankful that even in the pain and sadness I have peace.
I always smile when I think of God's beautiful love for me.

"The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7

I am thankful that when I am weak, Jesus is my strength.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
-2 Corinthians 12:9

I am thankful all of it makes me spend so much time in prayer.
So much time singing and listening to Christian music.
I am thankful that EVERY Bible verse, every song,
every word about God means so much to me.
I am thankful that all I ever want to do is spend time with God.

"Cast all your anxiety on God because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7

I am thankful that all of it humbles me.
Fills me with compassion.
Fills me with understanding for others.

God brings SO much good from every struggle!!!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."
-Romans 8:28

Thanks God!!
Thanks for holding me while my head is filled with stupid anxious thoughts.
Thank You for always loving, always forgiving,
and always understanding me when the world doesn't.

Thanks for the promise of Heaven!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to be there with You, Dear Jesus.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
-Philippians 3:20-21

I love You Lord!!!
Sorry I am filled with so many ridiculous and irrational thoughts.

Your love for me is beautiful.
Thank You.

"Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
We’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always."

-"There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp

He is faithful.

I want to run through grassy fields,
leaping carelessly, plucking flowers and throwing them into the air.


I want to shout from the mountaintop!
"The LORD is faithful!!"


You ARE FAITHFUL indeed Dear Lord!


Thank You.


Thank You that even through pain,
even through loneliness,
depression,
ANXIETY,
fear,
sadness,
anger,
bitterness,
and doubt,
Your promises remain.


And Your promises bring peace.
A lasting peace that is always there.


Underneath the sadness, pain, and anxiety, I always know You love me. I ALWAYS know I have Heaven to look forward to. There is so much peace and joy in that Dear Lord. Thank You!!


Thank You that persevering through trials and putting hope in You through everything always pays off. You always have so many lessons for me and for others. Each and every day. Thank You Jesus!!


Thank You for answering prayers!!! I learn more and more every day how powerful prayers really are. Thank You!!!


Hoping in You during the good times AND the bad times always pays off incredibly!!


Thank You Lord!! Thank You for filling me with Your amazing Joy!
I love You Jesus!!!


---------

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His Word I put my hope.”
-Psalm 130:5

"[Trials] have come so that your faith--of even greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
-1 Peter 1:7-9

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-John 16:33

"The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7

“Praise Him, all you people of the earth, for He loves us with unfailing love; the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord!”
-Psalm 117

He never lets go

This break has been painfully difficult.

Struggling with anxiety, depression, and exhaustion.
There is no doubt, I have been an anxious mess.


Some nights, mornings, afternoons, I have been filled with sadness and pain.
Sadness that just won't go away.


I've crawled under the blankets thinking about Jesus.
Trying to find comfort in Him.
In His loving touch.
I know His arms are always around me,
even when it feels like the pain and sadness won't go away.


It will.


God is always with us.
He never lets go.


"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
-Psalm 30:5










Thanks God!!!

Please change my heart, Lord.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8



Dear God,

Please change my selfish heart.
I am trying to forgive. I am trying to move past.
I DO forgive everything. And I AM moving past, excited for a future focused on Your love.


But I still need my heart to be further changed and healed.


I need Your help God.



Please help me to not boast or be proud.
I DON'T want to keep a record of wrongs!! Please help me to look at everything with love.
To see only good and pure intentions. Because that is what they truly ARE!!!
It is my selfish and sinful heart that needs to change. Not anybody else.

Please help me not to be self-seeking.
Take away the anger I have in my heart!!!


Fill me with patience, dear Lord.
Fill me with your beautiful patience.
And love.
Overflowing love.
Sacrificial love. Your love.

Help me to be kind, Lord.
Sometimes I get confused about when to speak and when to be silent.
Help my words to be very very kind.
Honest, but very gentle and kind and filled with love.


Because I know, the love in my heart is SO MUCH GREATER than all of the other things.
Always has been. Always will be.
It is overflowing and totally from You.

BUT I want more of Your love Lord!
Fill my heart with the fruits of the Spirit.
I want my heart to be so filled with Your love that there is no room for anything else.



Help me Lord!!!


I want to always trust You Lord.
Always trust that You know what You are doing.
You know how to use every bit of pain, every time of suffering, every one of my mistakes.
You use everything for my good.
THANK YOU LORD.


I want to trust that with You at the center of relationships, everything is always okay.
I need to stop letting anxiety, fear, or doubt creep in.
Help me say "No!" to those thoughts Lord.
I can't keep worrying that I am not good enough. That I am hurting others.
That they don't see my love.

I can't keep worrying that they don't love me as much as I love them.
They do.
And I need to trust in that.
You are at the center dear Lord.
And any anxiety just shows I am not putting my trust in You.

I'm sorry for hurting You so much with my anxious thoughts dear Lord.
I know it really hurts You when I don't put my trust in You.
Please change my heart dear Lord.

Change my heart to one that is always hopeful.
Always filled with excitement for what You have in store.
Always confident in You, dear Lord.
And always confident that You WILL bring change and healing and growth in Your time, dear Lord.
Help me not to become impatient.

Help me not to want everything to happen so quickly.
Fill me with patience.
Your timing is SO much better than mine, dear Lord.
You always know what You're doing.
I'm sorry that I doubt.


Lastly, help me to be filled with Christ's perseverance.
Christ was constantly abused verbally and physically, killed and crucified.
Yet He was always filled with love.
Always filled with patience, peace, faithfulness, and self-control.
Never filled with any sinful or selfish desire, even though He was put through the worst of circumstances.
Help me have the attitude of Jesus, dear Lord.




I love You Lord!!
Thank You for Your Love.
Your never failing love.

a constant hunger for more

I want to change. I want to move. I want to grow.


I am sick of THIS.
Sick of letting my people-pleasing desires keep me away from spending time focused on filling my hunger for God. I want to know more about God!! I want to study His word. I want to read books about Him. I want to spend my time with Him. Focused on Him. Focused on loving Him and others. I want to learn more about Jesus so that I can constantly push myself to be more and more like Him!!

I am broken.

I am so broken.


Wounded by the lies. Lies from myself. Lies from the world. Lies from others.
Lies Satan wants me to believe.




I am filled with pain. Sadness. Anxiety. and Fear.
They creep in every day.



I NEED Jesus.



I need His love. His romance. His kind words. I need these things EVERY day, constantly, to keep me going. To help me say "NO!" to the lies. To help me allow the Holy Spirit to fill me with the peace and joy that come from knowing how much God loves me. How much He loves me even though I am so sinful. Even though I keep screwing up. Even though I feel so ugly--He sees me as beautiful! I NEED that. He loves every part of me. Every part of me that is so easy for me to hate.



He forgives me. For everything.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this Savior, Father, Friend, and Lover.

But He's there. And He wants to wrap me in His loving arms. He wants to whisper "you're beautiful" in my ear. He wants to hold me forever. To tell me it's okay. He's got everything under control. And a better time (ETERNAL LIFE) is coming. It's going to be alright.


...
Thanks so much God.
I need YOU Jesus!

I'll be ok.

Spiritual battle for JOY and peace

I often think about people who are not filled with God's joy and peace. This fills me with sadness. I ache for these people, suffer, allow myself to be filled with pain, I feel on the verge of crying--the thought of not being filled with these fruits of the Spirit is horrible. I often wish everyone else was filled with joy and peace instead of me. I often sacrifice my own joy and peace because I don't like being filled with them when others aren't. But I know I need to arm myself with these valuable weapons against the enemy. And I need to help share and spread these fruits of the Holy Spirit to others.

My past was filled with unbearable pain and suffering. Constant anxiety from wanting to please God and others. Constantly being stuck in work. Constantly beating myself up in my head for being a horrible and unloving person because I was so stuck working on homework instead of helping my family with chores. I believed the lies thrown at me that I was very very selfish. I struggled constantly with body image. Feeling too fat or too skinny. Feeling ugly. I was filled with anxiety about time and getting everything done. Constant anxiety and fear of not being able to do everything I had planned. I would plan everything up to the minute. I was buried in my work. Buried in my pain. An anxious mess. HORRIBLY ANXIOUS. And then I turned to exercise. And food. And I got stuck in emotional eating. That was HORRIBLE. I felt so ashamed of myself. Filled with guilt and anger at myself constantly.

But learning about God's forgiveness filled me with joy and hope. I learned to constantly just lay down on the ground bowed before the Lord and surrender EVERYTHING to Him. All my anxiety, all my pain, shame, guilt, and anger. All my selfish desires. To thank Him for His AMAZING love. To ask Him to do His will not mine. To rest in His love for me. To rest in the fact that He is in control.

It took God bringing me to rock bottom after rock bottom to force me to surrender everything to Him again and again. But I am thankful for this. Because the joy and peace that the Holy Spirit filled me with from doing this is AMAZING. And I still have to surrender everything to God CONSTANTLY. Every day. Every minute. But it's worth it.






I've learned not to expect any people to satisfy me but God. That I need to find comfort in Him being my true Father, Friend, and Lover. I can't try finding comfort in anything of the world. Not food, not movies, not anything worldly that doesn't involve loving God and others. Especially when anxiety, anger, selfishness, discontent, hard times, tiredness, sinful thoughts, etc strike---I cannot try to turn to the world for comfort!!

I need to find my strength from joy in how much God loves EVERYTHING about me, how much God loves and forgives me UNCONDITIONALLY even though I deserve death and hell. I am filled with peace, joy, and strength from knowing God promises me eternal life that will be SO MUCH BETTER than this horrible evil world and than anything we can imagine!!!!! There is so much joy in that!!!!!!!! God wants to fill us with peace even during the hardest of times. It takes constant prayer and Spiritual warfare. It takes getting away and praying EVERY time you feel even a little bit discontent until He fills you with peace again. That means constant prayer and battling all the lies Satan is whispering to you. It takes SURRENDERING EVERYTHING you are worried about or struggling with or that is sinful to God constantly. It takes work, but God is always ready and waiting to fill you with peace again.

"What is joy? Joy is something that we choose to express. It's not pie in the sky; it doesn't come and go like the wind. And where does this kind of joy come from? Well, as you know, it's a matter of attitude that comes from God's Holy Spirit dwelling in us and our confidence in God, the belief that He is at work, that He is in full control, that He is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening, or will happen."

-United Church of God sermon transcript

I've also learned that this peace and joy is weakened by the world VERY quickly. It takes constant prayer and getting away from the world to spend time with the Lord again to get it back fully. For me, reading the Word, praying, talking about God, worshiping God, listening to Christian music, reading Christian books, learning more about God, LOVING God, getting to know others, helping others, listening to others, sharing with others, and LOVING others allow me to stay filled with this joy and peace. Everything else is just unsatisfying. Everything that doesn't relate to loving God or others tends to weaken the joy and peace that God gives me through the Holy Spirit. I constantly pray that God will fill me with peace even during the hardest of times, and He does. Underneath it all, the Holy Spirit fills me with a lasting peace in knowing God loves me and promises eternal life. But when the anxiety or discontent strikes, I know I NEED prayer so the joy and peace can be AMAZING again. When God fills me with His AMAZING joy and peace there is no more room for anxiety and sinfulness and selfishness in my heart.

We are in a constant Spiritual battle. We need to fight. We need to say "No!" to Satan's constant lies. God gives us peace and joy through the Holy Spirit. We need to stop our hearts from being filled with anxiety, anger, selfishness, and sinful thoughts. We need to stop turning to the world for comfort. God is more powerful than the evil one, and God's AMAZING love is what TRULY satisfies and brings joy and peace!!!


-------

"For the joy of the Lord is your strength."
-Nehemiah 8:10

Grace.

I'm falling in love with You Jesus

I am so sinful and undeserving, but thank You Jesus for dying for my sins so that I have eternal life to look forward to. I will never understand why You love me this way.

--"I'm falling down. Tumbling after You. I'm overwhelmed. Tripping over simple truth. In all I've found, there's nothing that's more beautiful than what I've found in You."----

romancing me.

Sometimes I am an anxious mess.


... Okay every day I am an anxious mess.

I need Jesus. Badly.
I need His romance.

His hand to hold.
His kind words.
His love.





... These are some of the songs I listen to to remind me what God thinks of me.





















































And songs from my heart to Jesus...








































Thanks for romancing me, dear Jesus.
I love You!!!

While I'm Waiting...

Last night I went to bed sad for how much we are all unable to find peace in knowing what is to come is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. Knowing that should really bring us peace and joy, but instead we often fall into so much worry about the temporary things of this world. This song woke me up this morning describing what I'm feeling right now. Just really excited for Heaven and excited to serve God while I wait!

">

"Father, please I need rescuing..."

I heard the song "Freedom" by Run Kid Run on the radio Friday morning. Every word of that song is truly the cry of my heart right now. I had a tough week struggling with lots of anxiety and a few brief feelings of depression. I learned that sometimes, even though I know about God's AMAZING love and forgiveness and about the promises of eternal life, I can't control when my body feels anxious or depressed. All I could do was lay face down on the floor and beg for God's help. God did help, and He was here with me. He also blessed me with Matt and Kelsey and with all the other wonderful friends who poured out God's love to me during this struggle.

There were also points this week where I turned to food to help me get stuff done. I tried really hard not to. My body was exhausted. My head felt heavy and tired. I couldn't focus on the paper I was writing at all. Christian songs were going through my head, and I was thinking about people I wanted to spend time with. I was also feeling weighted down with photos, tests, and everything else. Most of the problem was exhaustion from stress.

On Thursday Oct 14, I tried really hard to be patient with myself, but it was taking the entire day to write half a paper (I never did finish), and I had a huge Psych test, which was also a huge struggle for me to study for, the next day. My main desires were to spend time helping people and with God, but my stupid body just wouldn't function to study. It would just get to the point again and again where it was absolutely RIDICULOUS that I couldn't get anything done. I hate the fact that I struggle with this because I want to be out helping people. So I used junk food. I don't even like candy at all!! I would've much rather ate carrots, but I did it to punish myself so that I would never turn to food again. The sad thing is I kept having to go back for more. I probably ate three or four thousand calories of junk food during each of the two days I turned to food this week. It made me feel gross. But at the time it truly felt like the only way to get anything done. It really did help get the paper done, but I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!! I can't keep sinning!! This really hurts God. I did it so I would have more time to spend with people and with God, but each day I did it, it just ended up with a lot less time for others and God.

I know I learned a lot from these struggles. Compassion for others who are going through anxiety, depression, addictions, etc. I learned sometimes anxiety and depression consume us even when we know God's promises. I learned I need to allow the people God has placed in my life to help me during times of struggle. I also learned I need to let go. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to do school work, and I need to rest in God instead of turning to food. I need to let go of my desire to do so well on tests and assignments.

I can't keep sinning!! Yes, I understand God's forgiveness. Yes, I understand I must forgive myself. I understand God's love and forgiveness is SO AMAZING and I am SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that He forgives and loves me during my repeated times of failure, but I think even though we know these things we should still try with all of our heart to change. We can't get comfortable in our sins. We can't allow the fact that we know God forgives us to justify our sins. We NEED to change. And we need God's help. Badly.

Thank you God for your AMAZING love and forgiveness. Please help me change for You.

I am now singing this song every time I feel like turning to food. I am crying out for God's help. I know I can't do this alone.

turning to food NEEDS to stop.

I have really been struggling lately. Anxiety has been high. More than anything I just want to be there for people and to help people. But I constantly have to put taking care of myself and getting my work done first in order to stay healthy and not become so anxious.

There have been times lately where I have given in to feelings of hopelessness. To feeling like I am not going to be able to get all the photos edited and all the studying done and everything else. To feeling horrible that I am not spending time with or helping people. To deciding it would be best to just get everything done as quickly as possible at whatever cost. I just really want to be there for others the next day.

On Saturday Oct 9, I turned to food. I don't even like candy. At all. I would much rather be eating carrots or grapes. But I ate package of trail mix after package of trailmix. Package of candy after package of candy. I figured if I am going to sin and turn to food instead of God, I should really punish myself to make sure I will never want to do it again. I felt like I deserve to get fat for how sinful I am. I didn't get more photos done than I would've with out turning to food. I just made the next day a day of suffering.

I was supposed to spend Sunday out with Kelsey taking photos, but instead the next day was spent feeling horrible for sinning. I told Kelsey all about it, and she stayed with me while I spent a day editing photos and telling God how sorry I am that I KEEP sinning. I CAN'T keep hurting God.

I cried a few times that day and felt almost suicidal from how sorry I was for giving in to all the lies that consumed me the night before. Lies that I should feel bad and hopeless about work, instead of just resting in God and His promises. I felt bad for not spending time with friends, I felt hopeless about the work I had to get done, I felt bad for always eating healthy and trying to take care of myself instead of just not caring like everyone else, I felt I deserve to get fat.

I knew I could've just called Matt or Kelsey, and they would've come and sat with me while I worked on photos. They would've been there and made sure I didn't turn to food. But instead I gave in to the hopelessness and wanted to torture myself for being so sinful. Even though I don't give in to food a huge majority of the time, I still do sometimes when I want to get things done, and I know I CAN'T keep sinning day after day. I wanted the next day to be a day of suffering so that I wouldn't hurt God with my sin again.

On Sunday, I told Matt about everything and apologized for not just calling him. Usually just knowing how much Kelsey and Matt care about me and knowing that God loves me EVEN MORE keeps me from turning to food. It keeps me from turning to food countless times every day, and I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life!!! I am so thankful I am able to be completely honest about everything and am able to constantly get support, advice, comfort, and prayer from my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am so blessed!! And Christ loves me so much more than this!!!!

I learned from this experience I need to trust in God. I can't give in to the lies. Turning to food is NOT going to help. I need to use the people God has placed in my life to help me. I can't do anything on my own with out God's help. I need to just rest in Him. I can't get angry at myself for taking care of myself, even if it constantly takes me away from spending time with others. I also can't get stressed about work of any kind. School or photos or anything else. God will help me get them done if I just rest in Him. I can't do anything on my own with out God.

AND... how AMAZING is it that even though I keep messing up God still love me the same?! His forgiveness and love are AMAZING. So much more than I ever deserve!! I am so incredibly thankful, and I need to allow God's love and forgiveness to continue to fill me with joy. Even though I know I am always forgiven, and I know I must constantly forgive myself, I want to change. I can't keep sinning by turning to food instead of God any longer. Even just eating an apple or an orange for comfort instead of resting in God is sinful, and I want to change!!!

Thank you Lord for always forgiving me and loving me WAY WAY more than my sinful self could ever ever deserve!!!!