open rebuke

Some things that should be heart and life-shattering are happening/have happened to me in the last few weeks and days. But thanks be to God, I don't feel shattered. I feel shocked, bewildered... I know that the things are truly sad and unfair. But mostly I just feel like "Wow. God is clearly doing things." It's exciting to get answers from God, even if they aren't the way I would have ever wanted and still don't want them the way they turned out... but I feel a huge sense of "Wow. God must have big reasons for all of this." It is exciting to go through each day, knowing God is doing a lot in my life right now. A LOT of change. Exciting, crazy, ... and leaving me bewildered but stoked to see what happens.

How is there so much hope through all of this? Peace fills me, even though nightmares have happened.

Craziness.

But crazy goodness of God.
I know He knows what He's doing!


..
And He keeps giving me really good scripture to chew on and apply during all of this.

Here's an example from tonight, but there's been a lot more that I don't feel I need to share but just need to apply and think about myself.

 

 

 

"Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
 Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy."

-Proverbs 27:5-6

 

 

... Something to think about tonight, amongst many other things...

 

 

Thanks God for all this craziness.

It weirdly excites me.





------------------------------

"In Genesis, we read about Joseph, whose brothers sold him to a passing caravan. He became a slave and was carried off to Egypt, thinking he would never see his family again. I don’t think that was where he wanted to go. But, many years later, when he was finally reunited with his brothers, Joseph said, 'It was not you who sent me here, but God' (Genesis 45:8) and 'Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good' (Genesis 50:20)."


- http://clarkcowden.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/when-god-leads-us-where-we-do-not-want-to-go/

mission work

God is placing serving as a missionary on my heart.


My dreams are

• to help unreached nations learn about Jesus
• to share God's love with children and those living in Africa at some point
• to serve God internationally
• to grow and learn to serve Him more fearlessly, there and here

• to learn from and gain friendships with Christians and missionaries serving worldwide
•  to learn from every new experience and person I meet
• to help others grow and learn to serve Him
• to share everything I learn, see, and experience with my friends and family 
• to surrender to God's lead

-------

I don't feel like this point in my life would be a good time to leave long-term or for a two year period of time. I have grandparents, family, kids, and friends who are too precious and who need me here. I am so attached to the kids at Hope and their families!!! I also want to be with my sisters, grandparents, family, friends, and everyone. For this reason, I have been encouraged by Christians from various organizations to start serving with "Youth With a Mission" or YWAM. Working with them people can serve whenever and for however long works best for them.

Tonight I am looking at one of YWAM's many ministries called Frontier Missions that is focused on reaching unreached people groups!

YWAM works in more than 1,100 locations in over 180 countries, with a staff of over 18,000. There are so many opportunities. I feel drawn to Africa at some point, but also everywhere. There is so much to learn, so many ways to grow, and endless ways to serve.

I am excited to see what God has in store.



"Sing to the Lord, all the earth;
    proclaim His salvation day after day.
Declare His glory among the nations,
    His marvelous deeds among all peoples."
- 1 Chronicles 16:23-24



The journey and the support raising begins... 

I'm at an interesting point in my life. Crazy to think of where I was last year to where I am now.

I want change. I'm ready for change. But yet I'd be scared for the change to happen before a year from now.


I'm anxious to see what God wants from my life.


All I know is that right now I need Him. I need His help to make what I do and think more about Him and less about me and my comfort.

I'm excited for the work He's going to do in me in this next year. For what I'm going to learn. For the time with friends, family, and kids. Ultimately for the time I need with Him to grow in love for Him and for people. For more growing up. ...



A year seems so far away, and these current days are challenging. Thank God for being here with me this winter.

He knows what He's got in store and why I'm here.

quotes of the day

 
 
R: "Guess what?!!"
H: "...Chicken butt??!"
 
A: "Heyyy, you know that's not a good thing to say. Please don't say that."
 
R: "Hey, Abby! Guess what??!"
A: "Whaat??!"
R: "Chicken face!!!.."
 
 
 
...
 
 
"Mmmm.... My place smells like burnt popcorn and strawberry creamsicle!!"
 
 
 
^^Me entering my place at 11:20 tonight after letting my car run in the -45 degree wind-chill.
 I have been using a really good smelling raspberry air freshener, but today I bought a strawberries n cream one. :)
 
 
...
 
 
 
 
R: "Hey, Abby!! Guess what??!!"
A: "Whaat??!"
R: "Chicken mouth!!"
 
R: "Hey, Abby!! Guess what??!"
A: "What??!!"
R: "Chicken ear!!"
 
R: "Hey, Abby!!! Guess what??!"
A: "What??!"
R: "Chicken popcorn!!.."

when I go to bed

I have a new dream that's on my mind constantly lately. Something I wasn't completely expecting. I was telling some friends how I'm excited to go on mission trips in my life. That I go to bed dreaming about doing mission trips and how I want to go to Africa.


Someone said some things that I feel like maybe God placed her there to say to me. Number one, "If you're dreaming about it every night, you should do it!!"
Which my reply was, "Don't worry, I for sure will!!" Because my plan is to go on a mission trip next year and to Africa as soon as possible!

She also said to check out Unseen Ministries. I called them today. And I called some other places.



I have a new dream: to do mission work with kids.


From January to May, I would really love to be around the world doing mission work overseas with kids.
From June to December, I would love to be here. Loving on kids in other jobs (like Hope, babysitting, and who knows what... plus there are tons of other jobs out there that would be awesome...God only knows what He has coming for me).  And I would love to be with my family from June to December. To help with the garden, to enjoy time with them and friends and the kids who are here, to be here for Christmas and summer. I love our very hot weather in the summer!!! I really would like to be elsewhere in the winter. I am sick of the mundane every day life. And I don't like the weather. Also from June to November is when I am busiest with photos...

So, these are just some of my dreams/thoughts. I'm guessing God has given some of them to me. But I know no matter what: He only knows what's in store, what will go down, and what will be best. I can't wait to see.

It could really be anything. It could be the complete opposite of this. ... Only God knows. :)

Christmas

December

December wasn't like October and November in the sense of how I was treated. December was a month of good moods! May through December though was good. I'm thankful for the times I'm treated as less, even if it's hard for me because I don't like letting people down and it seems that that's why I'm treated like that. I feel in those times though that all I can do is use God's strength to keep being me! I know God can use me best that way.

I love my job.
I love making stuff for people.
I love the challenge of every day.

I love kids!!!
And I love my family.
I'm thankful for the kids, family, and friends God has placed in my life.


I enjoy trusting God and living with Him always there.


I'm going to start posting stuff in this blog that makes me smile. So many things do... I need a place to share them.

feeling like I'm not measuring up

 When I heard this song for the first time this week I knew it would be a special one for me. Every single lyric, apart from the chorus, is exactly how I feel every day, especially this October and November. And the chorus is exactly what I try and want for every day. This is what's in my head.



 

http://youtu.be/tB0FmFhNoJA

wisest of all

After we say "Come Lord Jesus" before lunch and snack in my room at Preschool I say another prayer that the kids repeat usually starting with "Dear God thank You for all of these kids, I really love them...help us to...thank You for..." and ending with "We love you Jesus and God." Today I let the kids all say their own prayers. They all thanked God for the sweetest and truest things. For "loving us just the way we are without having to change anything" and also for a lot of sweet things...


I should just have them pray every time. They are smarter and wiser than all of us.

someday

today was really painful. friendships can be really painful and when one was today it also brought out everything I try to bury and not feel 

it saddens me that some of the most important friendships to me are broken and dying and painful

interesting things and sad things we go through here ... but I trust them all in God's hands.

and I know and thank Him that He is always here. my best friend
He's with me when I cry

I can't wait for the day when all His promises come true, when I'm finally with Jesus


"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." 
-Psalm 147:3

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” 
-Revelation 21:4

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Psalm 73:26

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
 -1 Corinthians 13:7

gold.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."

(girl scouts quote can still hear self chanting in head... but true. It is a sad thing to throw out, bury, or crush gold. Silver is just silver...)

of late...

Things I'm excited about lately... :)


Long e-mails back and forth almost every day with my fifth grader cousin Anna. Her favorite thing in the world is reading. She's into creating clubs, and she writes interesting and fascinating stories as she tells about her life. ... I love her e-mails!!!!!! We talk about Jesus, God, and Heaven too. It is so good to know she believes, in her shoes I feel it would be especially hard to and it's almost crazy that she has the faith, the mind-blowing faith and wisdom that she has. The first time I sent her a Bible verse at the end of my e-mail, I was so excited when I saw she sent one back!!!!! And her next e-mail, before I got a chance to reply was simply:

The Way---

"Jesus answer, 'I am the way and the truth and the life.'"
-John 14:6


ha... that excited me so much!! I love hearing about her love for books, all her friends, bird camp, and her pure and true thoughts about Jesus and Heaven. ... Mostly I like just being a penpal! Being connected. A fun and exciting part of her life...



The kids at Hope. We lost A LOT of five-year-olds who I was very very attached to. Last Wednesday when I got back to my place, I cried thinking about how sad it was that I might never see dear Bria again, who I love so much and who was so attached to and loving toward me. I will always remember her huge smiles and playing tag with her on Wednesday and her smiling so much and giving me so much hugs and telling me, "You are the best teacher, Abby." ...  Anyway, I cried and thought of how sad it is to lose her and to lose those friends that you don't want to lose and who you don't even get to reunite with joyfully and happily and playfully in eternity, like we will get to with grandparents! It's really sad and painful in a deep way. ... 

I realized though that when kids leave it's sad, but there are all the rest to focus on, love on, and to let Jesus love through them too. They are so incredibly sweet!!!!!!!! I have known for so long that I would be very sad when these five year-olds, a few of who I became more attached to than any kids I've ever known besides my cousins Anna and Carlie, leave. And because of that it's really taken me by surprise how much I love the new three-year-olds coming in!!!! Wow. They are all very cute. And it is a joy to watch them grow. I am so excited to get to watch their personalities transform these next few years and to play with and love and just smile over!! I love all the kids so so dearly. ... and my coworkers too!!

I'm becoming someone who hates to say goodbye to the people in my life. Everyone is dear to me and I enjoy seeing the beauty in each person.

... And guess what?? Bria already came back to visit today!!!! :D That was a humungous blessing and excitement!! And also... I get to babysit for the other girl I was most attached to, and her mom friended me on facebook awhile back, so I'm friends with her and get to see pictures, videos, and even go visit Brynn in the school-age room any time I want! Same with Rosha and her mom!! And... Brynn and her mom want me to babysit!!! And I am getting asked by quite a few other families to babysit/told they will let me know if they ever have a date planned... that is very exciting and special to me. Every time. It's a humungous honor and excitement. I really really love these kids and want to babysit them!!!!! One of the cute new three year olds (they're all really cute) named Daniel says to me at least ten times a day, "Abby, you can come to my house, Abby." And I always say I would love to. :) ... I love them. I love getting to play with them all day and getting to know and connect with their sweet parents.



Making the most of all my paid time off. I get three weeks per year and can't wait to use it for the best every year!!! I'm currently excited about a few trips with friends that I won't even need to use much if any paid time off for and also for the first big trip I plan to take: to Denver to stay with my cousins Anna and Carlie. ... In the future I can't wait to go on mission trips. One to Africa some day. ... And to see who of family or friends might go with.

I'm excited to see what the future holds...


Editing pictures for people. Oh this fills me with a crazy amount of excitement and purpose/resposibility. It is so exciting for me to do this for people. Exhilarating in ways.... It's so hard to manage time, but it's a joy to try to fit everything in and give to what I'm doing and try to let go of the rest. I'm very very excited to keep doing this as a way to love on people and God. I feel like this is one of the many things He created me to do.


... yep. Those are a few of the things I'm excited about. It's exhilarating with how hard they are to keep up with with so little time in a day and so much other stuff to do too, most importantly love on and give time to everyone in my life. ... but the challenge of what to fit in a day is part of each day's beauty. Thanks God for all these things and people I get to be blessed by. And mostly You.

more like I'm 101.5...

I love jam-packed days.

I love just taking in everything. The fields as we drive, the flowers as I walk, the moments as I sit with people and listen...

This summer has really been great. Every day has been jam-packed and exciting. Ha, maybe part of it is that I just feel excited by everything and really try to let myself enjoy everything and every part of a day.



I want to keep every day like this. Make sure to fill each one with time spent with someone, with people, with family, with taking care of and paying attention to the people in my life.

I want to live like all those around me who are retired. They are so happy. They really enjoy every second. And they really care about everybody.



I finally got to meet the 101.5 year old lady from Arthur who I'm always hearing about today. She knows and wants to know everything about everybody!!! She knew everything about me haha... And she always has to give something to everyone.



 ...

I love long walks with friends. I love learning from people.

I love getting to know people, the young the old, the in-between... everyone.


I love when people talk about things related to how they feel about things related to God and faith. Or about things I can really learn from. I like these conversations that are deep and extremely extremely interesting and exciting for me. They are an exciting and refreshing break from just talking what we've been up to.

I love every second with family. At events, on the farm, at grandma and grandpa Paul's house... I am blessed by all the days, time, and by how generous and loving my family is.



Like I said before I want to keep my life like this. Taking in, enjoying, giving and caring for those in my life.


I want to let what/who I miss inspire me to give to what I do have and who I do get to be with.

Thanks God for life. Please help me to live more like I'm 101.5... :)




 

why a man was doing lots of crazy spins and tricks at Skateland...

Highlights of the day include being wowed by the kids' knowledge when they played Bible trivia, sunshine!!, rollerblading and singing at the last Christian skate of the year, and listening to stories of three amazing dreams a man who was spinning and doing tricks at Skateland had. He said he had always been timid and afraid of trying new things like tricks on skates until he had a dream where he was spinning and jumping that was so realistic that he overcame his fear. He had been afraid of going under water and didn't believe in God when he had a dream that felt completely real where Jesus was standing at the end of his dock asking him put his faith in Him and to jump in. He said no, and Jesus said, "Okay, well, I will be here waiting if you are ever ready." Then he woke up thinking, "why would Jesus ask me to die (go under water)?" He fell back asleep to the same dream. In it he jumped in and could breathe under water, and after waking up he was no longer afraid of going under water. He also had a dream where he was driving, and there was this extremely bright light. He was scared, wondering if it was a UFO or something. Everyone else was following the light, but he was afraid to. Finally he started to follow and found a door. He was scared to go inside and turned around, but a force spun him around and slowly pulled him to the door without him being able to control himself. Once inside he suddenly felt this amazing, indescribable euphoria. He realized he was no longer in his body but different. He described five different beings he saw. Three of them spoke to him asking him if he was ready to believe. He said no, and they said, "Okay, we will be here waiting if you are ever ready." ... At the time of all these dreams he had been on the wrong paths and didn't believe in God until later on, but he said these were three ways the Holy Spirit started to help lead him to believing in Jesus! ... I love hearing stories like this!!! God does amazing things.

thanks

Walking away last night I was smiling thinking, "I only want Jesus."


God has done a lot in me this year and especially recently. I have really learned that what brings me most joy is Jesus's love for me and living a life of serving.


The few hugest things I've struggled to hold on to, want, obsess about, run to, look for satisfaction from etc.since eighth grade are now looking like nothing compared to serving my family, loving on kids, trusting God, and just leaving those silly things behind/not caring about them anymore. This is a big change.


There is no question I'm far from mature and have endless learning, growing, and renewing of my silly selfish mind and heart that needs to take place. My mind and heart constantly struggle with wanting silly things or focusing on silly things, but I am thankful that God reminds me that deep down in my soul it is Jesus I want and Jesus I need. And I am thankful for all the time I get to spend listening to love songs. Knowing that's the way Jesus loves me and I love Him. Knowing so deeply that nothing ever has or could or will come even a tiny bit close to loving or satisfying me like His romance does. Remembering the words about His love for me keeps me smiling all day.


Thank You God.

they have no idea...

The highlights of today were when the preschoolers began my time outside with... "Abbbbbbbbbbbbbbyyyyyy, come get meeee!" And continued the time outside, running, laughing and sqealing.... "Abbbbbbbbbbyyyyyyy...!!!" ... Only God knows how much this is a complete glimpse of His love to me. And how much there's nothing I'd rather do than chase those sweet kids.


... Then today at 5:30, the complete end of the day, as little sweet Hannah was leaving she hands me her artwork she had been working hard on off in a corner. "This is for you." It said: TO: ABE LOVE: HANNAH and said BFF multiple times on it and had a bunch of hearts. I couldn't believe it. I never expected her to be making anything for me. Especially something she was working hard on. I thanked her and told her I will hang it in my room and that it is so special to me. ... Little does she know how special her gift truly is to me. I will add to the collection of my most treasured artwork from the kids that I sincerely will hang and keep in my room (and future new apartment) for a long time, and never will throw it away. ... Hannah was like, "ya I worked hard on it. It even is just like my shirt..." And it was... her shirt had all these cool heart patterns on it. ... Man, that piece of artwork she gave me is really special to me. It makes me smile so much. I am going to make her something. But ya... those kids have no idea how they make my days. And how I know it is truly Jesus saying to me, "Abby, I love you. More than anything in this world. I love you."

I love some songs they sing on Glee

Because some mainstream songs could not be about God's love for us any more than they are.

highlights of late

Making a "heart trail" all over the church one day with all different sizes and colors of paper hearts and chocolate hearts that the kids had to follow as they entered the church. It led to a SpongeBob gift bag that had airheads and a book inside. And I related the trail to following God's plan for us. How He wants so so bad to bless us but can't if we don't let Him.








Making tons and tons of  home-made Valentines with the kids (over 200) and delivering over 70 to Arthur's Nursing Home. Giving the rest to others to remind them of God's love for them. The responses of people have made my day. Cooks... Janitors... people I wanna thank and also remind of how much me and God love them. ... :) A cook hung hers in Kise and it's still hanging there. It has animal print stickers that say "Crazy about God!" on it. ... :D ... And the Janitors at Hope were so thankful. One said he's never received a Valentine before.







 
Sharing my sponsored child Dayana (a four year-old from Ecuador) with the kids so that they can make and send her stuff.








 Telling the kids all about Ash Wednesday. What it is and why we use ashes. Telling them how Lent is a special time to reflect on why we need Jesus to save us. How sinful we are. A time to reflect and be sorry for our sins. And a time to reflect on His death and His grace. A time to grow closer to Him. A time to give up something for Him as we reflect and grow. Nothing we could give up could ever compare to what God gave up: His only Son and to what Jesus gave up: His life.

The kids really get it! And we are asking them to all give something up for Lent. It is so awesome to hear their responses. They are giving up things they really really love: their DSs!!! Video games, Wii, TV, pizza, etc. ... One kid proudly said, "I think I am going to give up video games for a few days, TV for a few days, and going to the bathroom for a few days." ... he was serious haha... and so cute!








Going to the Ash Wednesday service at Hope. I loved every bit of it more than expected. I loved what we all said,

"O God, you are so compassionate. You are slow to anger and you are so full of mercy. This night I come before You knowing the weight and burden of my sin. Savior, please take my hand. I work so hard. Life seems to go by so fast. I try to be tough, but I'm just not strong enough. I can't do life alone. O God, I need Your hold on me. I am nothing without Your old rugged cross in my life. Savior, keep saving me. Everything You are to me is everything I'll ever need. Help me to accept the fact that I don't have to prove a thing because you're the One Who's saving me. You are the only One who can wash away my sin. Thank You, Jesus. Amen."

(I stole a program because I liked that haha)
And I really loved every word of the sermon. It was way more powerful and good than I ever expected. I hope they post that sermon online because it is one I want to share and remember. I loved every song too...








Working on Valentines for all the kids and my family and friends and picking the perfect presents for each of them... haha, I am such a perfectionist and I truly have so much fun.








Spending time with my family. With my beloved and amazing grandparents. And just with family.
I have not done enough of that lately!!! But it's what I look forward to, love, and cherish.
I can not wait for tomorrow and this weekend. Becca's play and time with family, grandparents, aunts, and all. Can't wait.








All the nice people and coworkers at Hope.








The cooks at Kise! :D








Today helping the preschoolers give out their Valentines. Wishing everyone Happy Valentines and giving them the special things I picked... And oh man, most fun thing of all was taking groups of kids on a scavenger hunt all over the church. We ran to eight different locations, including the fridge in the kitchen, the balcony of the church, a boat in one of the rooms, and many other places. The adrenaline was high, and it was so much fun! At each location I made one kid read the "Letter from God" (a Bible verse about God's love for us) And I made sure they all heard and understood it. And one kid read the clever and cute clue. ... Then we ran. And at the end it led to the Bible, God's ultimate love letter. And I let a kid open it to whatever it opened to and I read them God's love letter on that page. I explained the whole thing is one jam-packed love letter. That some of it might still be confusing to them, but as they get older they will understand how even the confusing stuff makes sense and adds to God's plan and love. Sending His Son to save and love us. ... And man, they picked beautiful passages about God's love. 

This was part of one of the passages they opened to,

“But you, Israel, my servant,
    Jacob, whom I have chosen,
    you descendants of Abraham my friend,
⁹ I took you from the ends of the earth,
    from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’
    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:8-10

And we gave them a John 3:16 Valentine. ... and of course we played tons of other fun games today!! And made tons of cool Valentines things to eat and partied it up. It was fun!! And the kids are getting the message. That God loves them. And that we can share His love on Valentine's Day and every day. They are getting it.

 ...
 They are the sweetest kids.








I am blessed.



 Blessed by everything in my life but incomparably most of all by Jesus.

He is my strength and my hope.
Without Him I wouldn't be able to get through all the times during the day that I feel tired or afraid. He is the One who gives me words, gives me energy, carries me, and reminds me of what's important when I constantly what to make everything about me. He reminds me of what matters: loving others, following, and submitting to Him. I am so thankful and in need of the way Jesus is the One who carries, leads, holds, protects, and works through me. He is the only good in me. And His love for me is like no other.


 "Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my Lover among the young men." 
-Song of Solomon 2:3

take me away.

:)

dream.

I really want to do mission work in Africa or overseas somewhere or just foreign places where their life is very different from my own. Especialy with children and women.

I pray I don't let this dream die.
I will give it to God and place it in His hands, and who knows...
if He wants it to happen it will.

:)

changes

I am changing a lot lately. From the inside-out. It is good. 



Now that I am working in the school-age room every day there is such a new sense of the importance and significance of my job.  We have 42 kids with three teachers. There is just this huge sense of how important it is for me to be "all there" inside of me. Working from either 7 or 7:30am to 5:30pm every day (with some days having a few hours break to go to my two classes that are not online) makes it even more important for me to really take care of myself and make sure I am "all there."

There are new feelings in me. Feelings of it just being good to be alive. all the time. Loving that all I do is just between me and God.


I know that in all these feelings and changes, it's really not me. It's not me popping out of bed thinking, "I gotta get myself ready to get out that door and get there early and 'all in' to love on those kids." It's not me thinking constantly "Work. I'm lovin' it..." It's not me that has the ability to not feel tired or unhappy or anything like that but instead feel THANKFUL that I get to have a job like this---a job where I really make a difference. Where every interaction with the kids can really make a difference. Where every time I go, my spending time with, showing appreciation toward, taking interest in, and talking about Jesus with, can make a difference in my coworkers, children's parents, and children's lives... It's not me who is becoming more excited about the way I am serving God and the way I get to love on kids than anything else... It's not me just wanting to love on family and friends and spend time with them in every bit of free time outside of work... It's not me doing any of this or being able to do any of it or having the strength and courage to do it again and again despite my mistakes and things that have gone wrong the day before...it's not me doing any of this, changing me from the inside-out, but God. 

I know how selfish I am!!!! 
This is truly not me at all, but Jesus inside me.




 God is good.
I am blessed.
blessed to love.

blessed to be loved the way I am.
thankful for Jesus, and in need of Him completely.
He is patient and merciful.
way too patient with a child like me.

us.

just a tiny glimpse of us.


...

my heart for Him

His heart for me:

the entire Bible.
including all of Song of Songs
and His death in my place on the cross

what He wants me to do...



















"You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

² I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.
³ Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
⁵ I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶ On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
⁷ Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me."

-Psalm 63

"I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."

-Isaiah 61:10

The One who won't give up on me deserves this from me. to not give up. to give Him my whole heart. 
to let Him be my all. to let Him romance me. To earnestly seek Him and His romance.
 to live for Him and Him alone and to not give up. 
He gives His all when I never give more than a little bit .
His love is amazing.

 "As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you."

-Isaiah 62:5

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

I started thinking about the fact that it's new years/2012/all of it while I was working in the toddler room today. 

It's a lot.




2012.

Was a year of mourning. Of beginning to learn for the first time, what that means, what it feels like, for me.

As the year comes to a close, I'm still mourning. It's painful. I don't want to be. And it's too much. It's too much that I just don't even want to feel it or to think. It's sad. and it hurts. And just when I don't expect it to, it brings tears to my eyes again, or just plain makes me cry again. It happens more often than I expect. It's raw and deep, and I guess there's a lot of hurt there that I somewhat wish wasn't but even more-so would never want it to not be.

I am broken in ways. and there are things I am more saddened by than I want to admit to myself or let myself feel, but I obviously am. 

Though I am saddened by things, I am thankful for them even more. With every tear of pain or feeling of sadness or hurt, there's even more feelings of thankfulness and beauty. joy. Feelings of thankfulness over what God is doing and Who God is. I deeply trust that God's piecing together every piece of every puzzle perfectly




yes, in 2012 I lost a lot and am still missing and mourning that.

but no matter what, when I think of all God is: the fact that He died on the cross in my place and all He's doing in my life...  when I think of who He's making me and what He wants me to do for Him and with Him, all the things I get to do each day... all I want to do is bow down and scream "I don't deserve any of it."



In 2012 I sure as heck gained a lot.


This year my health and sleep has improved 100-fold.
God has brought me out of and into places I can't even believe.

I gained unshakeable confidence that God has my life in His hands. That I don't have to fear about anything because of that.




This has been the best year of my life with my family and God.
Times with family keep getting better and better and better. I miss the times with grandma. I'm thankful that the good times with her were part of when this special time period started. Like I said, times with family, on both sides, and I'm talking immediate and extended, are just getting better and better. I am so excited for what is yet to come, and the times we've had lately just leave me smiling. I feel so blessed by my family that it overwhelms me, and I want to give back to these people who have given me so much that I could never deserve. Time with them has become more important to me than almost anything. 


I also gained so much love from kids and coworkers and friends (and love for them too). More love than I could've ever imagined and can ever get over. The pictures all over my room and piled high everywhere from the kids are only a tiny bit of the proof. I am loved and needed. and man is it beautiful. I can't even get over how excited I am to continue loving on kids and being loved by kids forever. I also am way too blessed by the best coworkers and workplace ever. ya... I have people who show me God's love in my life big time. Starting with my family and extending to my friends, coworkers, the kids, the cooks at Kise... so many amazing people.


...


In 2012 I learned more fully how to love and forgive myself.

How to forgive myself as I constantly do or say things I wish I wouldn't of, as I continuously am just immature, speak too quickly, or act out of selfishness. I'm learning to forgive myself, knowing the best thing I can do, even if it is always the hardest thing, is forgive myself and move on.

I'm also learning to not be afraid to be me.

Instead of trying I'm learning to just let go.

Be me.
Confidently and bravely be me.

Let God use me as He made me. Be me, and let God shine through my weaknesses and shine in the ways only He can.


I'm coming out of this year more thankful and confident in God than I've ever been.


I'm excited to be me.Someone who is devoted to taking care of myself the best I can so that I can love on kids, my family, and all who I see each day. Someone who spends the alone time I need with God, who dances with Him (either literally or in my heart), and who lets God romance me and cover me in His mercy and grace. Someone who works. Who works as hard as time/God allows each day and does as much as time allows each day with kids and coworkers at my job, spending time with family and others, and then spending time making things for people! Editing photos, making people discs of music, putting together presents for people etc. ... This is who I am and who I am excited to be! This is me. :)


Most of all coming into 2013, I am excited to let God continue to break me, to remake me, to make me new, and make me who He wants me to be. I can tell, thanks be to God, that I've grown up a lot this year, but I still have a ginormous amount of growing up to do, and I know God will help me.

I'm interested to see what 2013 brings. I truly have no idea what's in-store. Each day always takes me by surprise so much as I learn to just let go and let God write it. Each day is exciting and beautiful.


Now, I'm excited to go home. To ring in this new year as we always do, with our family's annual night of playing games for prizes! :D


It's time for one year to end and another to start.
All I can say is thanks be to God for everything He's done, and thanks that I'm too blessed to ever deserve even a tiny bit of. I hope I can learn how to love Him and others better. That's what I want to work on this year. Truly loving and giving, unselfishly.

Thanks be to God for His grace and mercy.

things I love.

Christmas time!


Sitting there beaming my face out watching the preschoolers completely steal the Christmas program (though the school-agers had a really cool Alphabet about Christmas time... "A is for Angel, Z is for Zeal..."). The two songs they sang completely stole the show, and they finished with their big, "Merry Christmas!"

Man... I won't get that day out of my head. Them so excited in their fancy red dresses. More excited than I've EVER seen them!!! Having me read them Christmas books and just so so excited...

then after the program we decorated cookies and made crafts with all the families of the kids at Hope. So much fun. ... And I even got to babysit two little boys I really love that night. ... And got my first Christmas card and letter from them!


... Ya,

what I love are the Christmas praise parties with Kaitlyn Nelson.

Going Christmas shopping with friends.


The feeling of having SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO AND GET READY AND GIVE to others that I can't possibly get even a tiny smidgbit of all I wish I could done.... but what I can do is work my fastest and hardest and take advantage of every shopping opportunity to make and find things for the many people I really want to give to this Christmas...


I love the excitement of the chance to just be with family. To play games with them. Sing with them!!! Decorate with them!! Watch them open their gifts. Watch movies with them. Make cookies with them. ... And just sing sing sing...


I love dancing to all the Christmas songs to Jesus, worshiping Him and imagining the story. The crazy and beautiful story of His birth. The great wonder and mystery of it all. The way He came... I can't even comprehend it or why... but it's fun to imagine it each day.

I love caroling at nursing homes!!

Ringing bells for the Salvation Army with my grandparents.

Going to all the Christmas programs and concerts!

Making crafts with the kids...

Making cards for people!

Finding little things for those cooks who spoil me with hard boiled eggs (just for m) every day!


Driving around looking at the lights (especially in Bismarck!)

Watching kids play in the snow....


Okay, I love it all.


And I also love how this song almost makes me cry. I can never comprehend how great His grace really is and how much I am blessed by God.

I can never thank Him for coming the way He did 2000 years ago.
A baby. To save us all.